What to do

Glad you decided not to go. Think only happy funny things about your mom. Remember as she was and that will help you cope. Also whatever emotion you feel is the right one. Scream, shout, cry ,hit a pillow if it makes it easier for you. I only wish when my husband died aged 47 I was 45 feeling not just of loss and sorrow , but anger and rage where all normal emotions to grief. Had to learn that myself. It's been 17 years if what I have learnt helps one person then something good came out of an awful time. Grief for my husband has never died. But coping gets easier as the years go by. But the grief deepens as he has missed so much. I still love him as much to day as I ever did. And that makes me happy.

So be happy for the mom you remember and love.

I'm sorry to read of your loss - losing a parent is so hard, they have been there always, and it knocks away a prop from your life. It's difficult to decide whether to see your loved one; when my Mother died I chose not to go to the chapel of rest as I had been with her the day before she died. However, the next day I got a bus as I felt too wobbly to drive, and as the traffic moved along the high road, something held it up. I looked to my left, and there, in the quiet side road, was the chapel of rest where my Mother was. The bus was stationary for several minutes, and I sat feeling calm while looking at the building. I had, in a way, been with her again for that short time. I hope whatever you decide to do is peaceful and right for you.

Thank you all so much for your many responses to my message. It’s a great comfort to know I’m not alone in my thinking. As several of you have said I do feel like we “lost” her a while ago and do wish to remember her as she was. Therefore I will not go and see her. I do have a brother who lives closer than I do to Dad and I think he would like to go so they may go together.
Incidentally when my beloved Grandad died I went to see him at the funeral home. He died from lung cancer but looked very peaceful. The only thing about it that upset me was that he hadn’t had a shave and had bristles on his chin. Never seen him like that before. A small thing but it’s always stuck with me.

My mother told me not to see her after death. She is still here, but I've never forgotten what she said. Remember me as I was, she said. I saw my dad and then wished I hadn't, but at the time felt it was needed to say 'goodbye' and to believe he really had died.

It’s a very personal decision only you know the answer to. I didn’t get to see if my dad when he died and I’m grateful I only have a happy memory of him.
Perhaps accompany your dad to support him but wait outside.
So sorry for your loss, hold on to your happy memories.

My dad died very suddenly when I was visiting my DD in Australia.
We came home and arrived the day before the funeral. Drove home to Norfolk , had a few hours sleep then set off for Lancashire.
I went to see him the next morning just before the funeral. I said goodbye and made sure he was dead. That sounds very odd but I needed to know he wasn't ‘there’ any more.
I have never regretted it but I wouldn’t be able to advise anyone else either way.

My sincere condolences on your loss. As said many times in response to your original posting, everyone sees the choice differently. My 2 sisters and I were with my Mum as she left us. My sisters did not want to visit her in the Chapel of Rest, I did and spent a while chatting as I would have anyway, about the bulbs coming up in the garden, that we'd been looking after the house for her, etc. No, Mum did not look as she had always done, her illness from dementia and the gap between her passing and the funeral had left their mark, but I also have a lifetime of happier and earlier memories so this is not the lasting memory I have of her. Whatever you decide, it will not be wrong, and I'm sure your Mum would support your decision, if you had been able to ask her. Maybe this is a lesson to us, to talk with our families about our final wishes, including the decision about any final 'meeting', where any choice is possible. In sympathy.

My sister and I were with our mum when she died. We had kept vigil through the night between us in a side ward at the hospital. It was a privilege to be able to stroke her head and murmur our love for her. She looked peaceful and slipped away without distress, just a little pulsed oxygen and a slight tranquilliser to assist her passing. I think pneumonia is known as the old people’s friend.

We had discussed dying a few months earlier, when she was well. We were sharing a bottle of wine as you do.

She made me promise that no-one was to view her once she had gone. ‘And make sure the lid is screwed down tight!’.

Did as you asked dear lady. x

It is such a very personal thing to do that only you can decide. My mum died just after Christmas five years ago. Even though she was in her 90s her death was sudden and unexpected. I had only seen her earlier that day so there was no great physical deterioration to shock me. I had never seen a dead person before and didn't know what to expect. But I had chosen the clothes she was put in. I was very apprehensive the first time I went to see her. But I am so glad I did. I sat and held her hand and chatted away, telling her off for dying and "discussing" the funeral plans with her. I went to see her several times as she was only minutes away. My AC went to see her as well , as did my elder brother. The last time I saw her , I placed a copy of the funeral service in with her. I felt incredibly sad that last time as I knew I would never see her again.

My real dad died 2 years ago after having dementia for a few years. I hadn't seen him since he'd gone into the care home due to the distance (I live in Somerset & he lived in Norfolk) & I had health problems. My younger half sister who lived close by & was with him to the end advised me & my other sister not to visit him at the funeral home as he looked nothing like the dad we remembered (he'd lost a ton of weight) My sister & niece did visit as wanted to put things in his coffin & regretted it, haunted my sister for quite a while. My dh went in my place to put my bits in the coffin as I couldn't face it & when he came out dh said I'd made the right choice & I remember him from dd's wedding, healthy & happy surrounded by his 3 daughters. (Actually had that pic framed for my sisters)
When my darling sd died in December from Covid related pneumonia I was desperate to see him but because of the circumstances (covid) he has to have a closed coffin so none of us was allowed to visit him ?

I went to see my Dad and have always regretted it. His face was set in a way that I only ever saw when he was cross with me. And you can never "un-see" it.

I didn't go to see my Mum. As the undertaker said: "She had been very ill, and we can't improve her".

Don't go and don't feel guilty. My love and prayers go out to you.

I'm so sorry. It's such a personal thing as to whether you see your mother at the undertakers and some people do find comfort from it.
I saw my mum in her coffin and that is the last memory I have of her and I wish that it wasn't. I swore then that I would never go to see anyone else who had passed away. I would prefer to remember them always as they had been.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I lost my lovely mother almost 2 years ago, my sister and I were asked if we wanted to see her, we declined as we wanted our memories of her how she was and not in illness, I felt that her soul had departed and it was a shell that was left. My brother went and said she was all made up and very young looking! We did ask that she would be made up for her funeral as she didn't go anywhere without her ' face on'!

I wouldn't go. I went to see my Mum not by choice but because my eldest daughter wanted to so she could put a teddy in the coffin "for company", and to say goodbye. So I went to support her. It didn't help me as she didn't look like the person I knew; it was upsetting. My daughter however found it comforting. Her two siblings chose not to go.

I am so sorry for your loss and all that stems from it. For me, life is for the living and I am not comfortable with dead bodies. I can do everything that needs to be done, no matter how horrid, to ensure a living being gets the best care but the moment they are no longer with us, I hand over to my sister. She is terribly squeamish with all the stuff that needs doing before death but appears to enjoy preparing the body for the funeral. It works well for us.

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing my mother was like nothing I could imagine, it's best if you want to remember her as she was. When my favourite aunt died, my Mum said don't go to see her. She was adamant that I should not. So reluctantly I agreed. It was only when a friend died, and another friend wanted me to go and see the body that I realised what my mum had meant. I didn't see my Mum after she had passed. Cherish your memories as she was.

My darling Dad died about 18 months ago and I and my sister sat holding his hand as he drifted away. We kissed him, hugged him for the last time his body still warm. We prayed and then called for the medical team to do what they needed to do before we left him for the last time at the hospital. I'm crying as I am writing this because he had the best ending and that was the very last time we saw him and we choose that to be our last memory of him too looking at his very beautiful peaceful face. Memories of happy times are with me too. Many a time I have chosen not to at the chapel of rest days or some time later because of being fearful I would always remember them that way. Thank you for reading.

Something no-one else has mentioned and I wonder if it was just me? My dad died suddenly in hospital in front of the family and the look of pain on his face haunts me still. I accompanied my mum to see dad in the chapel of rest. He looked very peaceful, which was a great comfort. But the overwhelming smell of what I assume was formaldehyde stayed in my nostrils for days afterwards and even now makes me feel nauseous thinking about it. That was the lasting memory and for that reason I couldn't visit mum when she died three years ago. I've never regretted it, I just remember her how she was - well and happy - the last time I saw her. My condolences to you.

My advice is don't. I don't know if you have seen a dead body before or even watching some die until their last breathe. But it's not some thing you ever forget. It is harrowing. I saw both my parents after they died and watched my husband die.

You do not want those memories. Remember your mom as she was. When she was your mom. You say she had dementia my mom did and she lived with me. My mom died long before her body did. I grieved for my mom while she was alive.

It will break your heart even more seeing her body. What was your mom has gone. Your mom lives on in your heart and mind. Look at photos of your mom and remember happy funny times. We all have mom stories remember those and talk about her and to her. I promise it will help. Seeing her body won't.

If you haven't seen a dead body before it's not like on TV . The funeral company can do things to make her look ok. But you say you haven't seen her for a year. She will not be as you remember.

If you do decide to see her body remember you can never forget it. Once seen that's it no going back.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am sure your dad will understand if you say, you would rather remember your mother living than see her in her coffin.

I saw both my parents, after they were laid out but before the undertaker came with the coffin.

I was really glad I saw my mother - she had been very puffy in her face latterly due medicine, but that had gone and she looked much more like herself. My father looked so peaceful that it was consoling.

But, please do whatever you feel most comfortable with.

I have no idea what the restrictions in your area are about this or funerals, so perhaps you should check that.

I saw my Father in Law after he had died in hospital. We had been taking it in turns to sit with him while he was ill. The staff left him in exactly the position he had died in when they called us back when he died. It was horrific. Later in the chapel his eyes were open and the staff were laughing as they walked us down- this is a few years ago.We should have complained.
My lovely Mom died at home two weeks ago. I had taken a pic of her to show my children that she was tucked up in bed. She died the next day and looked just the same. I felt no need to visit her in the chapel - apart from dropping off her favourite twin set and some photos and mementoes from family for the coffin. I chose photos from when she was at her best for the order of service. You should not feel bad for not going to the chapel - all that made your Mom your Mom has gone and those are the bits she doesn’t need now. Just support your Dad - it’s after the funeral that’s the worst

Please accept my deepest sympathy.
I didn't go to see my mum who died with dementia at 94. Neither did I see my dad who died of a heart attack on his way home after visiting me.
I wanted to remember them as they were. I believe their spirit has left and gone to a better place and all that's left is the shell.
My mum always went to see our deceased family at the Chapel at Rest. She regretted seeing her best friend, she looked awful she said.
My brother saw my dad but said he he didn't look our dad.
Do what you you feel happiest with.

I held my Mum's hand as she took her last breath , it was a
privilege to be there with her, very special. Its not how I
remember her now though.
When my sister came I didn't go with her to see my Mum
as I felt she needed the privacy. She said afterwards she
was so glad of that time alone and Mum had looked beautifull.

So sorry to hear about your loss. My Mum passed away at home last year she was found on a garden chair by her carer .Sadly she d been asleep for a quite while before when I arrived there after the phone call, she looked so peaceful with a newspaper on her knee .I gave her a hug but she’d left this world I felt as though I d already said goodbye a couple of days before when she was smiling chatty and laughing .
My sister who has had much support from my Mum when she was a child had nt seen Mum for many months due to Covid restrictions .She wanted to see Mum at the chapel of rest I felt because of her vulnerabilities that I should go and support her although I was nt sure .We both arrived at the chapel of rest and my sister sat next to Mum for a long time and chatted to her .I stayed outside but in the end I decided just to go in briefly to make sure my sister was alright .I looked at Mum again and wish I hadn’t she was nt my Mum .I ve never forgotten it .
My sister coped with it all but I’d said my goodbyes a week before.
My advice is don’t unless you really feel you must ,follow that feeling that my sister did .