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Bereavement

To feel guilty about what happened in the past

(24 Posts)
Itsawelshthing Sat 07-Aug-21 16:56:25

I just found out that somebody I used to go school with has passed away. I never even gave him a second thought for many, many years until my friend told me. I am not on Facebook so I would've had no idea but they are doing a collection for his funeral.

He used to be quite nasty to me years ago at school and when I was at a friend's party and she invited him, all he kept doing was leaving me out of everything, taking the mick out of my speech impediment and hearing problems and just being downright nasty to me.. All for no reason. I'm talking years ago now and I should just let it go but a few years after, he tried to add me on Facebook when I used to have it back then and I just kept rejecting him. He kept trying to add me but I didn't want him on there because why would I want a bully on my friends list?

But now I found out what happened, his friends have said what a nice, kind and decent person he is. I feel like maybe I should put a donation in, but everyone who has are all from school, whom he get on with and nice to but to me, he treated me like dirt.

I am feeling sorry for his friends and family but for me he ruined my confidence and self esteem, however maybe I need to just let it all go and should just donate towards it.

Bellanonna Sat 07-Aug-21 17:09:51

If it were me in your position I would definitely not donate. He has been very unkind to you and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Ruining your confidence and self esteem is no trivial matter.

Oldbat1 Sat 07-Aug-21 17:10:44

Sorry but I’m not sure why you would want to donate to his funeral? Obviously you’ve had no contact since school days. You probably wouldn’t even have recognised him. Donate to a worthy charity if it makes you feel better. (I’m like an elephant and would never forget nor forgive bullying).

B9exchange Sat 07-Aug-21 17:13:25

People do change, and you could look at it that he wanted to make contact through FB to apologise for his behaviour. But you will never know, and as you don't hold any fond memories of him, I would see no reason to donate. You don't have to explain why, just don't give anything.

Itsawelshthing Sat 07-Aug-21 17:18:04

Maybe he was trying to but he could've messaged me instead on there and apologised but he never did. He saw me many times when I used to go clubbing with my other friends and he never once apologised to me then. I shouldn't be feeling guilty but that's probably because I care about other people more than I care about myself.

Mildmanneredgran Sat 07-Aug-21 17:30:09

I absolutely agree with the above posters. The impact of what he did is still bullying you, from beyond the grave (dramatic!). Please don't feel that you should feel guilty - that's how bullies make you feel. You sound a lovely caring person - spend your time and energy with people you love and who love you.

I'm not being light hearted about the dramatic comment in the first paragraph, by the way. I was bullied mercilessly by one person in my junior school and I have never been able to shake it off.

Nortsat Sat 07-Aug-21 17:36:57

He sounds awful. Just because he was nice to others and they didn’t see through him, doesn’t detract from how awful he was to you.

I think you’re a very decent person, to even give him a second thought ... but my advice is to forget him and I definitely would not send a contribution to his funeral. Spend the money on a small treat for yourself instead. I advocate wine, chocolate or flowers😎

Blossoming Sat 07-Aug-21 17:41:48

No, why commemorate your bully? I know we don’t want to think ill of the dead, but he behaved very badly.

Calendargirl Sat 07-Aug-21 17:50:28

No, don’t donate.

He maybe wanted you to be his ‘friend’ on Facebook to carry on the bullying, and keep running you down.

M0nica Sat 07-Aug-21 18:09:09

I do not understand what there is to feel guilty about. Some one who bullied and was nasty to you at school and then tried to do it again on Facebook has died and lots of people he was nice to are having a whip round for flowers and have asked you to contribute.

No one is all bad or all good and some one who bullies one person will be nice to another. To you he was a bully. Leave it at that and do not contribute. Leave that to his friends, you are certainly not one of them.

HolySox Sat 07-Aug-21 18:13:17

"his friends have said what a nice, kind decent person he was" Not your friends but his friends. Sounds like things haven't changed much since school?
He might have turned out nice, decent, kind ... but that wasn't the person you know. Maybe his Facebook request was genuine and he wanted to open a dialogue, maybe just wanted to increase his 'popularity'. I think he probably didn't realise the hurt he caused or if he did he should have made a bigger effort to make peace with you. At the end of the day you have no obligation here. Maybe forgive him in your heart and then accept a chapter in your life has just closed.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 07-Aug-21 18:45:29

Couldn’t agree more with what others have said. He treated you badly and has never apologised. He could have messaged you if he wanted to apologise. I really don’t see why you should feel any guilt about this. Don’t contribute and if anyone asks you why tell them how badly he treated you. You don’t owe him so much as a kind thought. I was bullied at school and know that it never leaves you no matter what you go on to achieve in life.

JaneJudge Sat 07-Aug-21 18:48:54

It is sad as presumably he is only in his 30s but you don't really need to think about it or donate any money.
Just move on smile

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 07-Aug-21 19:25:03

Can I just ask how long ago this all was? You sound like you could be younger than most of us, which is why it might feel more raw.
As regards the name calling at school. Was it typical kid stuff, or worse?
With the party, again, young people can be strange in how they interact. Could it be he fancied you, felt awkward, and then ended up saying the wrong thing?
Please don’t think I’m making light of something that was serious. I wasn’t there, so only you can make the final judgment. I’m just trying to give you a different way of looking at it.
As regards the donation, I really can’t see the point, as whatever his intentions were behind his actions, you actually were never close.
Don’t stress over something long gone, focus on what’s important now.

CafeAuLait Sun 08-Aug-21 00:22:23

I wouldn't donate. Many people from school have been relegated to the past and that's where they belong. Just because we had to go to school with a group of people assigned to our class because of nothing other than age, it doesn't mean we need to have a lifelong bond or any responsibility to them when we are grown. Maybe this man became a better person, we can hope so, but you don't have fond memories of him. Decline to donate and move on.

If anyone came after me to donate to an old school acquaintance's funeral now I'd think they were surely joking.

Zoejory Sun 08-Aug-21 00:28:30

Entirely up to you, itwawelshthing

I'd donate a small amount which might give you a feeling of not stooping to his level.

It really is entirely up to you.

Luckygirl Sun 08-Aug-21 09:29:48

It is sad when anyone dies. But dying does not suddenly make them a good person - bullies and unpleasant people die too.

It was he who treated you badly - what do you have to feel guilty about? You did nothing wrong.

Everyone refuses friend requests on facebook from people who we do not know well or do not have a relationship of some kind with; or indeed have been given grief by.

There is absolutely nothing you have done to feel guilty about. Move on and enjoy life.

timetogo2016 Sun 08-Aug-21 09:39:24

I agree with you Bellanonna.
Why would anyone give anything to someone who was clearly not a nice young person.
He may have changed,but that doesn`t undo the hurt he caused to Itsawelshthing.

BeverleyJB Sun 08-Aug-21 09:42:03

You were the victim, he was the bully - and from what you say, bullied you consistently not on just one isolated occasion. As others have said, if he really regretted what he did and wanted to apologise to you, he had ample opportunity to do so (via Facebook messenger or otherwise.)

There is no reason why you, the victim, should in any way feel guilty for failing to assist this bully in making amends to you. If he was nice to other people, so what? It isn’t your fault that he was two faced.

If you feel the need for something good to come out of this, as Luckygirl says, enjoy life and move on and maybe make a small donation to your favourite charity.

Shelflife Sun 08-Aug-21 10:02:22

Luckygirl

It is sad when anyone dies. But dying does not suddenly make them a good person - bullies and unpleasant people die too.

It was he who treated you badly - what do you have to feel guilty about? You did nothing wrong.

Everyone refuses friend requests on facebook from people who we do not know well or do not have a relationship of some kind with; or indeed have been given grief by.

There is absolutely nothing you have done to feel guilty about. Move on and enjoy life.

I can well understand how you feel . I was name called at school by a boy whose mates then joined in . It was relentless!
A very personal remark about my breasts. I have never forgotten it. It was a major factor in me leaving school early. I never told anyone. Sounds silly to still have massive resentment after all this time. However it does illustrate the devastation that bullying causes. In your position I think I might tell his friends what happened and how it has affected you. It’s neither here nor there whether you donate or not. If you do it may help you to finally put it all well behind you. If you don’t then that is ok too , he caused you great distress. Whatever you do please endeavour to enjoy life and who knows he may well have always felt very guilty for what he did. Life is beautiful - enjoy it ! I wish you well and send you strength. All will be well .

Daisend1 Sun 08-Aug-21 11:41:20

Itsawelshthing
Why feel obligated to a now deceased person because you happened to have known them .
This same person , who had caused you untold distress the memories of which to the present day remain in your mind?

Newatthis Sun 08-Aug-21 12:28:39

Let it go - it was a long time ago. He probably didn't give (what he'd done to you) a second thought. Don't feel guilty about donating. Sometimes people ar elevated into sainthood when they die.

Itsawelshthing Sun 08-Aug-21 16:12:32

Decided not to donate and just to forget about it now...well try to! I read the comments and everyone saying what a kind, genuine and lovely person he was but they had no idea how much he treated and spoke to me like crap.

Luckygirl Sun 08-Aug-21 21:20:30

That is good to hear. Let it fly!