Death

My husband was transferred to a hospice from his hospital bed on the Friday evening. He seemed quite happy and cheerful at the time. A few of us went to visit on Saturday afternoon, but he wasn`t very talkative or responsive. I was being collected by eldest son and his wife that evening, to go back again, but as I was getting ready my younger son rang and said he and his wife were at the hospice, having had a feeling, and he said the nurses said if we wanted to see him we should get there as soon as possible. In the end there were quite a few of us there, me, 4 of our children and partners, plus one of hubby`s brothers and his partner. I sat at the side of him, everyone else around the room, for about an hour and a half, then about 10 minutes after daughter 2 and her husband arrived, after leaving a theatre queue 30 miles away, he died. I think he was waiting for her, as we kept telling him she was on her way. The hospice staff left us alone with him for about 15 minutes, then asked us to let them do what they had to do. We went into the guest lounge and made cups of tea, and after about half an hour we were called back in to say our goodbyes. Then we all left, as I had to go home and tell our eldest daughter. It doesn`t feel like 5 years.

My OH had a lucid few hours during his dying - we all found it very hard, as the main reason we had all chosen not to treat his pneumonia was because his life had been a misery because of paranoia on top of his total physical incapacity. He was living in terror. But there he was, as we thought, dying and he was taking in a lucid way, asking for music he wanted to hear, telling us he loved us. But there was no way we could turn the clock back and stop the dying process. It was very hard.

I sat with him for some time after he died, talked to him, reassured him - before I rang the children. They then had their quiet time with him.

My grandma had been unconscious for a long time and I was sitting by her when she suddenly sat up and said "What am I doing here? I must go home." Half an hour later she was unconscious and slipped away. Weird.

So very, very sorry Anniebach and Aldom. Sincerely.

If my son had been with his fiance, she would not have died.
I was with my mam in a hospice when she died, having Pancreatic cancer. Not an 'easy' death. Something that still haunts me.
Like BlueBelle I wish I could believe, without doubt, there's something else something else. I try to keep an open mind.

While I do agree with MayBeMaws post, and both times I did this, I wouldn’t say it would be for everyone, I think you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you

To me the various different reactions to this post, all of which I respect as everyone has a right to their own opinion, prove how very necessary it is that we talk about death as a subject.

Whatever else it does, a post like this confronts us with the issue and gives us a chance to hear other peoples' views, so thank you all of you.

Marydoll the same happened to me. My beloved Gran died alone. I could have been there but I was pregnant so nobody told me she was dying. My mother was trying to protect me I suppose. For over 40 years I haven’t been able to forgive my mother or myself. To be with someone when they die is at it should be. I still cry often. The words of the OP are wonderful. I just wish I’d had that chance.

Anniebach

If I had been with my darling daughter when she died, she wouldn’t have died.

Me too Anniebachif only I could have been with my son he would not have died.

Thanks for your kind comments. We travelled to be with her family when she was first put on the ventilator. It's about 100 miles so around 2 hours from our home.
Working in care years ago I know people often appear much better a few days before they die but her daughter seems to think doctors are mistaken and she's going to be ok now. They found she's had several minor heart attacks recently and thinking about it she used to tell me she kept waking up on the floor but didn't remember falling
It's difficult as I can't tell her daughter and my BIL that this is terminal, as they really think she's getting better. The doctors have told them in plain language but they don't believe it. Perhaps they don't want to and are in denial.
I can't visit her either as hospital policy is one nominated visitor for 1 hour a day. Staff are excellent there though and she's never alone

Hey Sazzl I'm so sorry to read about your sister - are you living nearer to her now you've moved, or further? I wish her a pain free and comfortable time until it is time. xx

Sazz1 please be prepared in my judgement people often have a little spurt (seeming better) before they die My Nan did just that after being almost unresponsive she ‘woke up’ and asked for some food I made her soup and she sat up with me holding her and feeding her I was so happy I thought she’d turned the corner, but not to be, very shortly afterwards she died in fact after I d left the room to sort the children out I lived with guilt of not being with her for years and years

I sat with both my patents in shock and disbelief although they were both old so why in shock I don’t understand and they both suffered it was not a peaceful experience
The chances of me dying alone is high, because I live on my own but it is what it is

I wish I could believe there is something to journey to but I think life is over when it’s over

Beautiful wise words. ❤️

I think it's more for the benefit of the person who is with the person who died, a chance to absorb the enormity of what has happened and to come to terms with it.

Those people who dismiss it imediately because they have no faith are, I think, missing that part of it. They may well wish to argue with me, but all I ask is that they perhaps just try a different point of view.

And, of course, not everyone will find it helpful, with or without faith. Many will, though.

My sister is dying at the moment. She was on a ventilator after being resuscitated last week. Its not Covid but heart failure and infection The doctors brought her off ventilation and put her on oxygen. Then she had a massive heart attack. They found her heart is seriously in need of urgent surgery but the anaesthetic would kill her so can't operate.
Today she's sat up eating breakfast, off of oxygen and appears to be recovered. Her daughter thinks she's better and will be fine. But she has heart failure and several other medical problems so doctors have put DNR on her notes. It's just a matter of time really.
Can't relate to the OP as people I've been with haven't died peacefully and I don't think she will.

It doesn’t sit right with me either.

I found what she wrote beautiful, but I also understand that many people have a alful death, and not everyone feels like that.
I think it said alot about Phoenix herself, she was calm and prepared, and slipped away peacefully, and not alone, leaning her friends and loved ones prepared.

I suppose it is like birth. So many different experiences. Some horrendous, others good.

So far I have been lucky, if that's even appropriate, in that my Dad and my Uncle slipped peacefully away, and they had known I was with them.

In fact my Uncle had been with just my cousin, his only child, at deaths door for several hours. I got there as soon as I could, and he smiled at me. Within 10 minutes he'd gone, so very quietly. I think he was waiting until his daughter had someone with her.

This is fine if the death is expected and I envy those who have that opportunity to take in the moment. In my case, by the time I got from my bed to the bathroom where my DH had collapsed, he was dead. How I wish I’d had the luxury if time instead of spending 25 minutes giving him CPR until the paramedics arrived and told me what I already knew. There was no sacredness or comfort in that bathroom, no last words or telling to let go, just sheer panic, shock and disbelief.
(*annsixty*. I’m so with you on ‘passing away’)

Sorry, not for me either. I was with DH when he died, but it was only a relief that he’d gone so quickly after the final diagnosis.

I am sure this post will give comfort to many.

As an atheist, it does not offer me any.

I have been alone at the peaceful death of a loved one and believe we must all find our own way of dealing with it.
My concern was telling the rest of the family, in the best way possible.
Putting the kettle on was not a priority.

Though as I said, we all cope differently and each death is different. I am glad that other GNs are finding the words helpful and comforting.

If I had been with my darling daughter when she died, she wouldn’t have died.

Not for me either, sorry.

It does not resonate with me either.
It seems an almost romanticised view of death.
Although expected, I was shocked by the moment of my H’s death and needed confirmation that he had actually gone.
I was alone with him and frankly needed someone with me at that moment even though it was two nurses I didn’t know.
Would also like to reiterate for the hundredth time, people die, they do not pass away.
Just a little “thing” of mine.

Urmstongran

As a Humanist, this doesn’t resonate with me at all. If you keep a calm space around their body, and in the room, they're launched in a more beautiful way means nothing to me. I sat with both my parents at the end of life. I’m with you on this topic Hetty58. To each our own.

Me too.

This doesn’t take into account the feelings of others in the room and I had no wish to prolong their agony any more than I wished to put off what needed to be done.

Maw thank you so much for sharing this perspective on being present with death.
Others may have different experiences: death, like birth, can be calm and ecstatic or messy and distressing. Or somewhere in between........ I have had the privilege of being there and holding space for many, many of both experiences. Your friend has expressed beautifully the need to accept and most importantly, take time