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Their daddy died

(18 Posts)
Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 21:46:48

Two of my grandchildren who are 8 and 9 have lost their daddy.
( Their was ongoing battles and no co parenting well between the parents and my daughter has them full time now but they did live with dad for 4 years ) .
When we told them, it still haunts me, he was their superman and altho the whole situation was a difficult one, their sobs I will never forget and the youngest ones prelongated noooo.
I just find it so hard for them and the youngest is really struggling and has melt downs that in all my years I've never seen before. She is confused and has challenges processing it all bless her. The eldest struggles in her own way and outwardly is coping better. I think the transition from dad's to mums and dad gone is just so much at tender ages. They were and are young carers for both parents as well.
Mummy has helped them do a memory box and their daddy's mum had a necklace done with dad on it for them and turned some of his clothes in pillows for them.
They've a half sister who helps too as she is 17.
I know waves of emotions will come but any ideas on all of this, particular when the wee one has a full on melt down on please.

Smileless2012 Tue 21-Sep-21 21:54:14

I'm so sorry Neen what a terrible tragedy for those children to have to try and come to terms with.

Is there any help available in terms of bereavement counselling for children who've lost a parent?

I don't have any experience of this but think that as long as the children are able to talk about their feelings in a safe and loving environment they'll eventually be able to work through the grieving process.

Your D's idea of a memory box is an excellent one and you being there for her and your GC is the most important thing you can do.


Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 21:56:17

Yes Smileless2012 Nelson's Journey are involved and thank you.

Hetty58 Tue 21-Sep-21 22:03:58

Neen, generally, children cope with grief a lot better than adults. I am very concerned about them being carers at such a young age, though. Surely, they need a lot of help and support with that?

Grammaretto Tue 21-Sep-21 22:12:35

How very sad to lose your daddy when you are so young. I lost mine aged 5 and it was awful but we all got through it in time.
I remember my DSis who was a bit older, begging mum to promise not to die.
Mum replied that she couldn't promise but she would always love us and I have never forgotten that.
I hope the DGC can have some counselling help. As for the tantrums. Can you do some things together which will distract her?
Drama, music, art or dance maybe?

crazyH Tue 21-Sep-21 22:13:25

So sad, so sad…….Neen, my heart aches for the little ones, their mum, their big sister, the entire family and you. Nothing I say will help ease the pain. I’m sure their GP or other Health workers will give the family, all the support they need, to cope with this. You need to be strong for them flowers

Luckygirl Tue 21-Sep-21 22:36:16 I am told that this organisation can be very helpful in this sad situation.

BlueBelle Tue 21-Sep-21 22:37:29

My grandkids Daddy died when they were 6 and 4 Yes I can still remember their sobs they are 20 and 18 now and well adjusted hard working hard playing young people Their mum has done an amazing job all alone
Winstons wish helped a lot, and helped give my daughter ideas to deal with it all at the time . The older, my grandson used to go and sit under the table at school they allowed him to go out the room if he felt sad
I still feel sorry for them as all their cousins have mums, dads and two sets of grandparents these two literally have their mum and me
I think my daughter has found it hardest with the lad having no male role model or male connections

Doodle Tue 21-Sep-21 22:43:38

Neen I am so sorry for your family. How sad these young ones have lost their dad. I too am concerned about them being Carers at such a young age. I think more support and professional help is needed.

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 22:43:46

Thank you . I'd not heard of Winston's wish x

grannyactivist Tue 21-Sep-21 22:47:17

I’m agreeing with others who say that Winston’s Wish is a very helpful resource.

25Avalon Wed 22-Sep-21 09:12:40

If you go on the NHS website Children and Bereavement, you will find lots of advice for treating bereaved children plus several links to organisations that specifically help such as Child Bereavement UK. Winston’s Wish is included in the list.

CafeAuLait Wed 22-Sep-21 10:53:27


Neen, generally, children cope with grief a lot better than adults. I am very concerned about them being carers at such a young age, though. Surely, they need a lot of help and support with that?

I'm not so sure about that. They might look like they are but there is a lot going on under the surface. Sometimes that doesn't come out or to a head for months or years.

Neen - my children went to a group for bereaved children. There they could have a fun day with children who were also bereaved. The children quite freely talk about who they lost and how. At the end of it, they had a rememberance moment. It helped them to know they weren't alone in their experience.

Counselling helped to some extent. We made photo books with pictures of the person who died. I found that it took about a year and a half before it really got harder for the kids for a while. Things have got better but it's always going to hurt.

Neen Wed 22-Sep-21 11:53:56

Thank you all. They do go to young carers and altho no face to face with Nelson's journey yet, they are in touch with them. I've past Winston's wish on to mummy as well. Neither of us had heard that. I've the wee one on Saturday for swimming and lunch x

Omaoma57 Wed 22-Sep-21 12:02:38

Sincere condolences to you Neen, My darling son-in-law also died recently leaving my daughter and two grandchildren bereft! What to do for the best is still a daily struggle and being there when he passed away will never leave me…I sob remembering that day! We now visit regularly even though we have a 4 hour car journey to contend with. Moving is not an option …hoping that the future will get easier xxx

Neen Thu 23-Sep-21 23:51:24

Omamoma57 gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss too. Please remember self care in all of this x

Hetty58 Fri 24-Sep-21 00:20:33

We lost a husband and father when my four were young. CafeAuLait, they still had me - and each other, and each grieved in their own way.

I felt no need for special groups or counselling. I think, perhaps, the children (like mirrors) tend to reflect how well the surviving spouse copes. Life goes on and we have to gradually adjust.

I was very matter-of-fact about it, as, although it's a personal tragedy, of course, people die every day. They stayed home for a week and the older ones, the teenagers, found things more difficult than the little ones but I expected them to cope and adjust - and they did.

When somebody dies, we just crave normality - so carry on with the usual routine as far as possible.

BlueBelle Fri 24-Sep-21 07:18:09

Because you do not agree with counselling or groups hetty doesn’t mean that they are not very helpful to most children and most parents It’s always good to listen to others advice on how to do things when children face trauma
I m afraid being ‘matter of fact’, your words, about a husband and father death is not usually helpful to children, grief needs to come out and not stored deep down
It worked for you but it wouldn’t for most, grief needs to be accepted, not hidden and buried with the stiff upper lip it’s much more helpful for later mental health to work with it at the time of the tragedy