Gransnet forums

Bereavement

miss my dear mum

(21 Posts)
whogoesthere Sat 12-Mar-22 16:05:32

My mum passed away suddenly after being ill for a while, ``its two month now but I still think about her everyday and miss her terribly.Added to this I now have the responsibility of looking after my dad which is getting too much. I have 2 sisters and as they both work I have to do the majority of the caring.
any advice.

Septimia Sat 12-Mar-22 16:50:41

I still miss my mum from time to time - and it's over 25 years since she died.

Can you get any outside help with your dad? When FiL came to live with us (it didn't last long, he was ill and then insisted on going home) we were able to have a nurse come to to bath him and various other help. Check with Social Services and other agencies. If you proceed carefully you needn't commit to anything you don't want.

Blossoming Sat 12-Mar-22 17:04:24

So sorry for your loss whogoesthere, it’s 26 years since I lost my parents and I will always miss them, It does become less painful with time.

I would start looking into outside care for your father asap, you should ask your local social services for a care assessment of needs. You must look after yourself too.

grannypiper Sat 12-Mar-22 17:10:53

whogoesthere So sorry to hear about your Mum, it is early days and of course you will always miss here but you will find a way of coping. You must talk to your Sisters and tell them that they will have to help with your Dad, it can't all be down to you. Look after yourselfflowers

Visgir1 Sat 12-Mar-22 17:15:14

My condolences.
I had the reverse, Dad was basically Mums carer. After he passed away my sister and our families tried very hard to care for her, we were both working so were our OH's. After a few months it wasn't working out well, and she was unhappy, about the demand on us.

Long story short we had to get help. The best will in the world it becomes difficult 7 days a week.

We got Social Services involved, they assessed her, she had a Care package put into place. She already had a cleaner so at least that was sorted.
Due to her having above the limit of personal income and savings (not a huge amount but enough) she had to contribute to her care package each month. Which to be fair was OK.

We eventually got her to downside to a One bed flat in a McCarthy Stone complex.
It took a few ups and downs but we got it all sorted out in the end.

She passed away 18 months ago, happy in her little flat 6 years after Dad died.
The only thing we needed to do was getting her groceries and spending quality time with our precious Mum, good luck and remember the carer needs care too.

Hetty58 Sat 12-Mar-22 17:16:27

whogoesthere, it's only two months, so very recent. I'm sure your father will be missing her dreadfully too. As others have said, shout for all the help you can get, through social services and your GP.

M0nica Sat 12-Mar-22 17:58:52

It is in only 2 months, as others say, you are still right at the beginning of the grieving process.

My sister died 30 years ago and I can still get caught out now when something suddenly brings back memories of her.

GrannyGravy13 Sat 12-Mar-22 18:17:43

We miss my mum so much, it’s five years next month.

It does get easier, we can smile with our memories now.

cornergran Sat 12-Mar-22 23:28:04

Such early days whogoesthere, I’m so sorry for your loss and the worry you have about your dad.

Caring for someone is incredibly hard on the carer. It’s understandable you need help, especially as you are grieving. Your Dad will be grieving too, so will your sisters, each in your own way. Would it be possible to have a chat with your sisters about a more formal arrangement? An assessment of your dads needs would clarify for you all what support he needs.

My Mum died over 30 years ago. I still miss her especially when times are hard. Please look after yourself, allow time to just be as you are on each day. Early days yet.

crazyH Sun 13-Mar-22 00:01:33

So sorry for your loss who goes there. I’m the youngest of nine. So, all, parents and siblings have gone. Although I have a family of my own, I still miss my parents, especially my sweet Mum. Dad passed away when I was 14, and my much, much older brother took on that role. I miss him too and just like cornergran, I miss them when I’m going through a difficult time 😭

DillytheGardener Sun 13-Mar-22 00:02:38

No advice, but didn’t want to read past and not say how sorry I am for your loss thanks

Sparklefizz Sun 13-Mar-22 08:26:18

So sorry for your loss whogoesthere. It's very early days and you have a lot to cope with. Be gentle with yourself. flowers

It's been 27 years since my Mum died, and although I'm glad she hasn't had to cope with the pandemic and restrictions, there are so many things I have wanted to say to her.

Kim19 Sun 13-Mar-22 08:36:40

wgt, 🌷, of course you miss your Mum. It's very early days for you and WELL DONE for looking after her so
lovingly. I regularly think of my Mum with a kind of longing and she's been gone a long time. They're just an integral part of most of us, thank goodness. Look after yourself. She would want that.

GrannySomerset Sun 13-Mar-22 08:40:13

The recent death of DH has brought back the pain of my mother’s death over sixty years ago. I think of her most days and still miss her. Two months isn’t long and you will still feel very raw - I know I do. The advice about not trying to care for your very lost father on your own is sensible and I hope you can put in place the support you all need. Easier said than done, I know.

nadateturbe Sun 13-Mar-22 08:44:38

So sorry whogoesthere. It's very early days. It will get easier but it will take time. You will never stop missing your mother. I still cry ten years later and wish I could tell her things. Mums are special people. But I promise you, you will feel better. flowers

You should contact Social Services about getting some help with dad.

Shandy57 Mon 14-Mar-22 16:24:38

So sorry whogoesthere, it's not just missing them, it is what they are missing. My Mum died in 2000 and I think about her every day. Luckily I still have her young sister to talk about her with.

I agree it is a good idea to get some help with your Dad.

Take care of yourself, when my husband died I wrote in my diary every day, it did help a little.

Grannybiz Mon 21-Mar-22 18:41:21

I miss my mum so very much. Its a heartache like no other, its been 3 years I still have days where I sob for her, be kind to yourself and grief comes in waves, mums are irreplaceable I will always always miss mine ❤

Liz46 Mon 21-Mar-22 18:49:34

whogoesthere, maybe Age UK can give advice. If he hasn't claimed Attendance Allowance, they can help with that. Unfortunately I found that social services were useless when I was trying to look after my mum, who had dementia.

nadateturbe Tue 22-Mar-22 01:44:21

Grannybiz I feel exactly the same. flowers

PECS Tue 22-Mar-22 08:24:18

Gosh, two months is no time at all. My mum died in 1984 & there are still days when I still miss having her around.

The death of a parent is hard. I don't think I properly mourned & grieved for mum because I was busy with work & 2 small children and then had to be sure dad was OK.

I think caring for your dad needs careful thought. Are your sisters quite local making it possible for them to do some care? If it is too much for you then maybe an honest discussion with dad & sisters about arrangeing a care package is what is needed? Not easy but better done sooner before resentment and habits set in.

Nannashirlz Wed 23-Mar-22 18:28:15

I lost my dad 26yrs ago and still have days when I have a good cry. His birthday Christmas Father’s Day etc. Two months is nothing you need to give yourself your time and your siblings need to also give you that time. Just because they work doesn’t mean you have to take most of the burden of looking after your dad. He’s there dad too. You need to have a family meeting and discuss his care between you and don’t forget your dad is also grieving.