Shouldn’t I be better by now 3 and a half years after losing my son

I understand what you are going through I lost my daughter 2 years ago family are tricky they don’t know what to say. In our area we have an over 50’s group on Facebook you meet different people for lunch maybe you could try a group like this. Let your family know you would like inviting next time they may not realise you feel left out

hamidch

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Aldom

Marketkat lovely to see you here today. It's just turned five years since my beloved adult son died, suddenly and tragically. I recently came upon these words which I feel describe how I feel and where I am now. I wish the best for you.

'We don't' get over ' or ' move on ' from our trauma..
We are forced to make space for it.
We carry it.
We learn to with it.
And sometimes we thrive in spite of it.'

Thank you 🙏
The best to you too. X

Correction : We learn to live with it.

Marketkat lovely to see you here today. It's just turned five years since my beloved adult son died, suddenly and tragically. I recently came upon these words which I feel describe how I feel and where I am now. I wish the best for you.

'We don't' get over ' or ' move on ' from our trauma..
We are forced to make space for it.
We carry it.
We learn to with it.
And sometimes we thrive in spite of it.'

I’ve come back to reread all the replies, thank you all. I hadn’t realised 9 months had passed since I put this up. On the holiday in question, my two sisters fell out and haven’t spoken to each other since! Ive had a conversation with one, not heard from the other, I don’t feel the same about them now, I can’t be piggy in the middle. To answer some of your questions, I have two other older children who are married and live a distance away (not to far, I see them semi regularly). Coming up to 5 years in a few months since i lost my youngest son though, he is always in the forefront of my mind and I miss him immensely. X

My youngest child (a son) died aged 25 years old. Twenty years ago now. I experienced, shock, anger, grief and all the rest. On the night after he died, I was listening to a radio phone-in and (I was in tears throughout), a poor man phoned in, his voice quite desperate. His 16-year old lad had killed himself some five years earlier and the father was still in the first stages of grief. He still could nots work , his marriage had fallen apart, he was still on anti-depressants - he was still desperate.

Listening to him and crying for him as well as myself I did determine that this would not happen to me. My lovely G had died, but the last thing in the world he would have wanted was for me not to have a life!!!

Okay, I was fortunate, there were five other very supportive children I can well remember a few months later, one day feeling very, very low considering doing something silly to myself and the thought that stopped me then was that I could not cause further trauma to my children.

Time is immaterial, I still have the very bitter little poem that I wrote on the second anniversary of his death commenting on what folks kept telling me 'that time heals'. Yes, it does - to an extent, lots and lots of time.

People find it embarrassing to talk to a person who has a tragic death in their family, particularly that of a child. A Committee I was on delayed their meeting so I could still attend - not that I was eager. When a lady on this phoned me the night before to ensure I was attending, I told her probably not, that I was now the worlds prize bore as all I wanted to do was talk about my lovely boy. Her reply 'come along and bore us' was one of the nicest things anyone said to me!!!

I worked with a lot of young people, and before I came back they went in a delegation to the boss to ask how they should treat me. Sadly, another staff member had lost her younger brother some years earlier and remembered her parents just wanting to talk about him, and she told them to encourage me to talk about him.

Not sure if the poster has really had the opportunity 'to bore people' with continuous talk about her son. Think this is important. Neither does she mention if there are any other children. I think her sisters just do not know how to cope with her understandable grief - they are not being nasty, just trying to defend their own feelings and concern.

Take as long as you need, talk about him to everyone and to yourself. BUT....do not let the loss of his life stop you continue to live yours.

pandapatch That was so very real. I've never lost a child but this resonates with me because I lost two much loved brothers.

Marketkat Could the problem be with the way you are dealing with others? Maybe you are giving mixed messages because you are grieving and others don't know what to do for the best. Most people don't understand how others feel if they have never been in that situation, although they may believe they do. Most of us would have difficulty imagining the depth of the grief if we haven't been there. Your sisters may be suffering all sorts of embarrassment and guilt about wanting to help you and not knowing how to.

As you have been on holiday before I assume you are friends and like each other. If you would like to stay friends why not ask them nicely about the holiday when they return, be interested and then just say 'It sounds lovely. Please invite me next time, I think it would do me good to get away for a bit'. They may explain why you weren't invited this time.

Be kind to yourself and try not to judge your friends and family too harshly. Counselling may help if only in giving you someone you can talk to who won't be afraid to ask you questions and allow you to talk about your feelings.

pandapatch

There are no rules or timetables for grief. My son died almost 4 years ago, aged 34 after a long hard battle with paranoid schizophrenia. I love and miss him every single day but get some comfort from the fact that he is at peace and flying free. So many people just don't know what to do or say. Please do get in touch with compassionate friends, either through that telephone number or this link

www.compassionatefriends.org

There are lots of people there who really do understand having been there themselves and I have found them a wonderful support.

I can't remember where I first saw this but it really resonated with me

Grief is Like Carrying a Stone in Your Pocket

“The best way I can describe grief as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket.

When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.

Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone, or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain.

There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts.

Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.

But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do.

You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.”

Hope you find something there that helps - sorry for the long post

Loving kind post. The stone analogy is very good.

Give yourself time, much more time, grief doesn't end - it softens.

The days I struggle most are days I don't focus on my prayer beads. Perhaps prayer beads, always ready in your pocket, might help a little.

Your sisters are wrong.

Marketkat I can’t offer any more compassion or support than already given but, what your post has done for me is to put into perspective how my darling mum must have felt when my youngest brother died, aged 17, many years ago! My ma is in her 90s now and I’ve just had a few days with her after a longish gap due to health issues etc at home!! This ageing malarkey isn’t easy!! On good days we can talk about his death with a few smiles but some days emotions feel very raw, even after all of these years. Sometimes she drives me nuts and still treats me like a 5 year old, but she deserves love and compassion and you have all helped reinforce that! Thank you GN’s xx

There are many lovely, sensible and kind pieces of advice on here Marketkat which I hope will help you, do allow any amount of time to come to terms with your loss.
Joining a social group is always a good thing, hopefully you will extend your present circle and enjoy a new hobby at the same time.Art classes are known to be therapeutic and a book group usually fun and thought provoking.Losing a child at any age is a terrible thing so be kind to yourself.

I for one never know what to say to someone after a bereavement, especially one like yours. I'm sure that I'm not the only one to feel like this. Perhaps have a chat with your sisters on one of your "better" days and just explain how you feel in a calm manner. perhaps they just felt that you wouldn't want to go. You'll never know, unless you ask them.

pandapatch That was lovely. Do I have your permission to copy if for my daughters as I felt it might help. We lost their Dad my husband in February 2021 and that struck a very familiar note.

I am so sorry that life is so difficult for you at the moment. Bereavement is so hard and we all take our own time and our own paths for dealing with it.

You have had lots of good advice and contacts from everyone and I hope they will be helpful to you.

As to your sisters - I have found since losing my husband that there are those who can deal with the grief of others and those who can't, and I try to be neutral about that and not apportion blame or feel angry or upset. I have just come to accept that this is how it is. I don't like it in some instances, but I try not to be upset by it. It is hard.

This is a difficult path for you. Please turn to those organisations and others who are there to support you.

Please get bereavement counselling ! There is no time - no one should judge you, I can’t imagine and would hate to be in your position. Please get professional help and find a support group. You deserve it.

Our Son died aged 30 of a heart attack in 2007. Please be gentle with yourself, you are allowed to mourn him for the rest of your life. It will get easier though and the advice you have been given here is all good. One thing I found really useful was taking about him with others, his and our friends that still helps me loads. Sending love and hugs. x

Marketcat It takes whatever time it takes, and there is no ‘should’ about it . We are all different and losing a child has to be the worst sort of grief.
There is lots of advice and support on here, I hope it helps, just a bit. Sending a hug and

Marketkat

So sorry about your loss, must be so devastating to loose a child no matter how old they are , so can understand how you are grieving ... 3 years to some isn't long to others it is long ... everyone is different ... have you thought of counselling ? It will help to talk to people you can express how you feel , you won't be judged at all, as they are there to help ... I am no doctor but seems like you are depressed aswell , speak to your doctor he/ she will understand how you feel ... even write down how you feel then easier to tell them ... I can understand the way you feel about your sisters, would have possibly done you the world of good & probably what you needed a holiday ... not the same I know , but when I loss my dear husband (had 3 cancer surgeries 6 weeks later ... may I add not life threatening) I could count on one hand the ones who bothered ... people told me people don't know what to say ... I said rubbish ... even if they said hello ... please think of getting the help you need, there are people out there to help you through it ... I will remember you in my prayers ... God bless

Marketkat it doesn’t help you but I did shed a tear for you I feel you need a big old hug
I think your sisters don’t know how to handle your grief or they are totally selfish and don’t want you to spoil their outing

May I ask if you’ve had any bereavement counselling and (this will take some courage p) or have a group near you that you could join When my daughters partner died she joined I think it was called ‘young and widowed’ ( but there would be other groups obviously you’re not widowed) and found it very helpful and has made two friends she is still in touch with eleven years on For some people it will prove very helpful just to talk to others in a similar situation other people don’t want to and prefer just to keep their grief private but it’s worth thinking about
Please don’t be on your own try and make new friends we can never have too many and do come on here for a chat a virtual hug or some support We re not a bad bunch on the whole
Xx

You’re all so very kind, Thank you.
I’ve got lots of good advice, I’ll do my best to move forward now, my son was everything to me., I know it will be hard but I’ll do it for him, his smile was infectious, we had a great relationship. Life won’t ever be the same, but I’ll do my best with it. X

MarketKat ?

My sincere sympathies Marketkat nobody should have to bury their child.
We did, 49 years ago - he was a baby of 4 weeks but the grief was 100% regardless of age or length of life.
You need understanding people around you, not those who either leave you alone or ignore your grief. Being left out in this way by your sisters is IMO unforgivable and when you feel able you should try to explain to them that despite not wanting to join in everything, it is hurtful to be left out in this way. It won’t be an easy conversation, they may be defensive or even turn the argument back on you. They have presumably no experience of this sort of loss, and believe me, if you haven’t lost a child - from miscarriage through to adulthood- you can have no real concept.
Bereavement counselling does sound as if it might help you to come to terms with your emotions. You never “get over” this sort of loss, but if your life is to go on, you must be able to face forwards -not leaving him in a past life- but bringing his memory and that of the good times with you. You are still his mother, nothing can change that and despite your pain and suffering I hope there were many good times to sustain you.
Do look for help, you can come through this and strengthen yourself to go on.

I lost my son many years ago and mourning took a long time. Now I feel sad about it but it does not impinge on my life. I suggest talking with a bereavement counsellor may help.

I can't read this thread without saying how very sad I am for any parent who loses a child, no matter what age. My heart goes out to you Marketkat, and all others who have gone through this. I hope you can find peace somehow.