Grief for my mother

Maddyone your grief is still raw and you want your Mother.
No matter how old we are we still want our Mothers, it shows they have been good ones.
Nobody can be at the bedside every moment of the day, it is just not possible, so do not feel bad about this.It will get better in time for you.

Hope you were able to relax a little in Greece and had time to reflect on your Mum's life. I do know how hard it is, I wrote a letter to my Mum after she died telling her how much I loved her and letting her know how what her GC and GCC were up to. Silly really but it did help - I keep it safe and read it when I feel sad. You will always have her in your heart and will always miss her - but we learn to live around the sadness and the pain does ease with time. The sun ? will shine again - honest !!

I am truly sorry, Maddyone .

Dear ladies, thank you for your very kind posts. I know that what you all say is true, and as you all know, grief takes time to work through and there’s no short cut. Yesterday afternoon was difficult for me because I asked my husband to pick up mum’s ashes from the funeral director and when I saw the box I couldn’t help myself but cried and cried. Anyway the ashes are now together with my dad’s as mum never disposed of them. She asked me to take both hers and dad’s and scatter them in a lovely place in Derbyshire, near to where she was born. Her sister’s ashes were scattered there too, and I believe her beloved dad’s too. We won’t be able to do that till next year though, so for now they’re both in my house.
The kindness shown on Gransnet when posters are struggling is remarkable. It is truly a lovely supportive community, and the vast majority of us have never even met.
Later today my husband and I are going to Greece for ten days. I will be honest and say I don’t really feel like going, but my husband definitely deserves a holiday. He has been so supportive in the practical sense, but he lacks a little in the emotional sense. When his own mother died last year he wasn’t very sad because she was very old and had been in hospital for five weeks, and he regarded her death as the end of her suffering. He feels the same about my mother. I know he’s right of course, but I can’t be quite as practical as him. I miss her. I loved her despite everything. Thank you for understanding.

I’m very sorry for your loss, Maddy. Guilt is the one thing that many people I know have felt when someone close dies, myself included, even when the guilt is not in any way justified. Try not to dwell on what you didn’t do, and take comfort from everything you did do for your mother. Be kind to yourself.

Maddyone, like other people I will miss my Mum forever and still wish she was here . She died in a nursing home having lived three years with us. She was failing and I was at her bedside for 24 hours , the nurse said that evening " you look so tired , why not go home , relax , and we will contact you if we need to. I left at 9pm , arrived home had a hot bath and went to bed. Phone rang at 2am ,Mum was deteriorating! It was 15 minute journey and she had died by the time I arrived. I felt guilty for leaving her that night as I had always thought I would be with her at the end. Don't feel bad about not visiting every day, I had a wonderful relationship with my Mum - she was the best and I was fortunate to have had such a lovely Mum. However when she went into care I didn't visit every day , but she was aways very happy to see me when I did go - about twice a week. It is a very recent loss for you and it will get easier - I promise!! You must now grieve but do take good care of yourself and never feel guilty, you did your best as we all do. Things will begin to feel better as time goes by - thinking of you .

So sorry Maddy. Life is so difficult sometimes. Grief has so many faces and what your feeling is just one of them.This happened to me with my dad, we’d only been gone two hours and had a call from the hospital to say he’d gone. It happens like this so often I’ve come to realise this is how it was meant to be.
Please don’t feel guilty, it was obvious from your posts about your mum that even though you didn’t always have an easy relationship ( who does ) that you cared very much. Please look after yourself now that’s what your mum would have wanted.

I' m so sorry Maddy, I remember you mentioning the loss of your mother. It is very raw at the moment, your mum knew you loved her. Take care

I've lost both of my parents within the last two years. I was just starting to feel as though normal life might be an option again when parent #2 passed away. That wasn't too long ago and I found that the Queen's death and funeral knocked me more than perhaps it otherwise might have done because of this.

One thing I've learnt through this seems to be that for many, myself included, guilt seems to be something that is really difficult in the early weeks of bereavement. I know I felt guilty about silly things, too, like seeing something that I know they would have liked and knowing that they couldn't see it (although, perhaps they did, who knows)

Please know that your Mum knew your feelings for her, she would have understood that you'd had to pop away and, like others have said, may well have waited for you to do just that so that she could slip away without causing you the potential distress of being there. (I know this doesn't work, though)

Sending a hug, and my inbox is always open if you wanted a chat.

It will get better Maddy, it really will.
I know that I’ve already mentioned that my mom died weeks before Diana. It didn’t help matters at all.
You obviously did love your mother a great deal, and of course she will have known this ♥️

maddyone please don't beat yourself up on what you didn't manage to do. Remember what you DID manage and be proud.

It is early days for you, and even though you two had problems sometimes, she was your mum, and you loved her

And you WERE there for her ...visiting regularly and caring for her guests who had come to see her! She would understand!

It is widely recognised that for some at the end of their life, they "wait" until they are alone to take their final breath. I volunteer in a Hospice and it is SO true that that really does happen quite a lot.

Callistemon is wise.

I think it's almost worse when we lose a close family member to whom we weren't as close as we'd have liked to be, as the grief is mingled with guilt. I know I'll feel that when my own mum goes, but there's not a lot I can do to change it.

I can't offer any better advice than you've been given, but I do sympathise, and sincerely hope that you can find a way to be easy on yourself.
x

Grief is the Price we Pay for Love
Elizabeth II.

That is very true and even if you didn't always have an easy relationship with your mother maddyone, she was still your mother and you loved her.

Don't feel guilty, it's obvious you did your best and visiting every day is just not possible. We do wonder if we could have done things differently, said something more meaningful but getting upset over regrets stops us coming to terms with what is a natural part of life. Perhaps she waited until you and the visitors had left before she let go - many people do.

It's early days but in the future I hope you'll remember the more positive times.

Inside Our Dreams
By Jeanne Willis

Where do people go to when they die?
Somewhere down below or in the sky?
‘I can’t be sure,’ said Grandad, ‘but it seems
They simply set up home inside our dreams.’

Maddyone I still miss my mother, who died in 1996. You lost your mother such a short time ago and your feelings are still raw. I will miss my mother for the rest of my life but the grief and pain do diminish.

I'm so sorry about your mother. It's really hard. I still miss mine and she died in 1996!

As for her dying while you weren't there, there have been a number of threads on GN in which it's been said that it's quite usual for someone to wait until they are alone to die. You were there for her when it mattered and she probably wanted to spare you the trauma of being there when she died. Nothing to feel bad about.

Take care of yourself.