I don't really know if I should feel bad about this, but my mom called me and said my grandma was in the hospital and it didn't look good. This would be her third hospitalization in just two weeks, so mom said it was probably going to happen soon.
And yet, I can't feel sad, or even cry.
My grandma has dementia, along with diabetes and other things, and my mom takes care of her, since none of her children want to do it. They love her, I'm sure, but they have never really wanted to take care of her, and I get why. It's hard, it has been even harder the last two years, I have watched my mom deteriorate herself, losing so much weight, all just to take care of my grandma.
We live with her, in her house, it was an exchange done by my aunts and uncles, we get to live in the house, they get to not take care of my grandma anymore. If she dies, we will probably get kicked out as soon as a week after, or even less, because that's how they are.
We would have to rent, and would be very limited money wise for the rest of our lives, or at least until I get a job after finishing college and can help my parents.
And yet, somehow it feels liberating. My mom would have time to rest again, and to take care of my sibilings, and she could go out with her friends like she always says she wants, my sibilings would stop having to worry about taking care of my grandma at their young age.
It feels wrong to write it, to even think about my grandma's death at all, but I can't help it. I feel guilty that I'm not crying or feeling sad because I love my grandma and she may die, but I cannot help but think about my mom, and what this might mean for her.
I don't know what else to do, is it wrong that I feel this way? Am I a bad person?
carmilla Thu 16-Mar-23 00:53:24
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