Gransnet forums


today is a bad day.

(11 Posts)
Dawn62 Tue 20-Jun-23 17:45:58

Hi sorry just having a real sad day,and have felt weepy most of it.If you have ready my previous posts i lost my dad in oct,i am struggling as i am trying to sort out his business,haven't even started probate yet,support mum and live with the constant hate for my sister who lives with mum.My sister again last week did not speak to mum for 9 days after another screaming match over my late dads car she wants it mum says all her memories are with dad in that car,it is now decided it will be kept until the first anniversary then sold and money shared with my and my sister and that was mums choice,because after my sisters 4th meltdown since dad has gone i said i don't want her to have it why should she her and dad didn't even get on so she has backed down for the minute on that,but she as mum says bickers with her all day she is very controlling and mum just wants a quiet life she hates fights but my sister is now speaking again to mum so it goes for how long,it just gets me down her and i do not speak,she stays out of the way when i am there,but all day she is in my head along with all i have to sort for her as she said to mum this week get 50 percent of everything never mind we lost our dad and that is my down day,i miss my dad so much,mum and i talk about him all the time i talk with my husband all the time about dad,i go over and over the last weeks of his life nothing makes sense,i can't talk to my 40 year old son about dad yet because my dad loved him so much and it just hurts plus the great grandchildren of my sons age 5 and 3 they will never remember dad,but inside right now i just want to scream but if i let go i will never stop,i can see dad in my head so clearly we were so close and he was my hero.Sorry jumbled message just felt the need to do something.

Shelflife Tue 20-Jun-23 18:39:11

I am sorry you are having a bad day Dawn.It seems you have a complex relationship with your sister and I imagine that is adding to your distress. Why not speak to your son , he too may want a listening ear. I sincerely hope that posting on GN will help ease your pain. Don't be afraid to ' let go' perhaps in the privacy of your own home. Counselling is an option too , make an appointment with your GP to speak to him/ her about this. Good luck and I do hope that as time passes you reach a state of acceptance.💐

Allsorts Tue 20-Jun-23 18:45:03

Sorry it’s very bad day for you Dawn. You’re missing your dad and so much to sort out. Hopefully your sister will move out as your mom doesn’t need her antics. It won’t hurt for you to take time out, go for a walk, change of scenery, talk to your son, he will understand, everything won’t fall apart if you do that.

DiamondLily Sun 25-Jun-23 09:15:11

I'm learning that bereavement brings "meltdown days" out of nowhere.

I lost my DH in April, and one day can sort of be ok, then out of nowhere, grief whacks in again.

Any other stress can also trigger it.

I guess it's a process to go through. I don't want counselling, as I've got friends and family if I just want to offload, but it's hard.

Best wishes. 💐

LRavenscroft Sun 25-Jun-23 11:08:03

How old is your sister and does she have any diagnosed 'issues'? Does she have family as in husband/children or is she on her own with your mum? Has she always been like this? I ask these questions as if it is identifiable behaviour then it has to stop for you and your mother's sake. No one needs this despicable behaviour. Do you have a strong personality and would your mother mind if you blasted your sister out and told her exactly what you thought? Could you get a lawyer to deal with the situation of the will/inheritance? If your sister is allowed to get away with this, it will not get any better. As it stands, it really is all down to your mum. You do not state her age but if she is minded to she must speak out to your sister and be prepared for estrangement. If, however, she is ill and depressed and elderly, why should she have to put up with your sister's nonsense? A outside party would be advisable to sort the situation. I know what I am talking about because we had a similar situation in our family and I did not hesitate to employ a lawyer who set out on paper exactly what was permitted and what was not. They person involved had to abide by the lawyer's letter or else. Good luck and I hope you manage to resolve this situation but please do stay strong for your and your mother's sake, if you can. Just think what your dad would have wanted.

maddyone Sun 25-Jun-23 11:19:52

Oh Dawn, what a terrible time for you. I lost my mum last August and I can relate to everything you say, especially about your sister. My sister made things very difficult. I no longer have anything to do with her and will be happy when mum’s estate is finally settled because I never want to see my sister again after that. Like your sister, mine has always been difficult, for years she has been difficult, and she was awful during the period around my dad’s death some seven years ago. Like your sister, she had regular periods when she refused to speak to our old and failing mother and then came over all concerned at the actual time of mum’s death. She’s done absolutely nothing towards clearing the flat or sorting out the estate but rings the solicitor every week demanding to know when she gets the money.
I wrote a thread a few months ago when I said I felt broken by my mum’s death so I know how you feel.
I can’t offer much advice. It’s difficult for you with your sister living with your mum.
Try to keep your chin up and time will gradually help.

Cabbie21 Sun 25-Jun-23 11:28:11

As you have a 40 year old son, I guess your mum must be elderly. She should not have to put up with this sort of behaviour from your sister. I wonder why she lives with your mum? It sounds as if she has long-standing problems. Some outside help would be useful, whether that is legal or counselling, I am not sure what is most needed.
Sorry if this is insensitive at this time, but has your mum made a will? Does anyone have power of attorney for her? I only ask, to help avoid further trouble from your sister down the line.

There is such a lot to do when someone dies. It will take me two years to do it all, I reckon. My husband died at the end of April. Keeping busy helps me.

Dawn62 Mon 03-Jul-23 08:35:39

Good morning,thank you for the replies.Today would have been my parents wedding anniversay 62 years,i will take mum out later,she told me she is trying to see it as another day,we talk all the time about dad but mum is also quite private and i respect that,unlike me who was like my dad she is not very good with feeling,i will just as i know dad would expect of me be there for her.I have my husband who is also my listening ear and i thank god for him.My sister is 58 and has never worked never married or had kids,at one point she went 8 years without speaking to my parents and they have always lived together in the same small terrace house we were brought up in they just managed to avoid each other,then as she still does one day she just talks and mum thinks that is ok because she has always been like that,at the moment she is talking to mum in her controlling way although mum just gets on with it 2 weeks ago she hated mum and thats how it goes think this is her 4th meltdown since dad passed in oct,i hate her so much and mum knows but i don't want to add to the stress mum has so i try not to talk about her,mum my say she said this or that and inside i am screaming,maybe she thought she could control me as well never happening,after mums day that door is closed and good luck to her.So my mum lives this mad life style after losing dad i feel sad for her but also annoyed if that makes sense,all the while i am trying to wind my dads business up he was still working the morning he went to hospital at 83,i am so proud of him,a few times last week when i was having a problem i thought dad will know what to do and then i remembered hes not there,i dont think i will ever accept it,i know now he did everything for mum to the point she did not even know where her state pension went or how much it was so on top of everything i am trying to sort her bits but she doesnt really care i think she is not far behind dad,she keeps saying once the business is sorted she wants to make a will so my sister and i never have to meet and then she can relax,she doesn't want to leave the mess i am trying to sort now.
I keep think end of the year and then maybe give myself some time to think of dad rather than everytime i get myself in a state blocking it out because i do not have the time.Another babble sorry and thank you.

maddyone Mon 03-Jul-23 13:27:12

It’s okay Dawn, unload here whenever you want to. You have got a huge amount on your plate at the moment so it’s a good thing you’ve got your husband. I know that feeling of thinking I’ll tell mum/dad and then the sudden rememberance that they’re no longer there. It does recede with time.
Keep plodding on, you’ll get there in the end. Your sister sounds similar to mine but unfortunately your’s lives with your mum. You definitely need mum to make a will because if mum owns the house and you both inherit it, you’ll have problems getting sister out. If the house is rented, it’s different. Good luck.

Pjcpjc77 Mon 03-Jul-23 13:34:47

Try not to let all this take over your grief. Births marriages and death bring out the worst and best people.

Babamaman Mon 10-Jul-23 14:25:05

Dearest Dawn
You are entitled to bad days. But please get help - your sister sounds difficult and unreasonable - speak to your doctor, speak to someone please - tomorrow will be a good day ❤️