Lonely

My friend lost her husband 5 years ago and is still grieving as if it was a month ago her house is like a shrine to him

eight years for me and I realised that I could move on in year 4. I was always busy the previous 4 years, made myself busy, de-cluttering, clearing and going to my haven allotment, always people to chat to up there

Very similar to cabbie, always on my own when walking, national trust, just wanting to go out for a break involves going on my own. I do stop and chat with people who seem in a similar situation but that is transient

I was making progress, joining specialist hobby groups, prior to lockdown but they folded and that left me in limbo. I do go to some general groups here but really nothing in common, nice superficially but not really enough to satisfy that hole left when I was widowed

Home is very much a nest for me, I have worked very hard to make it so. I moved by myself, did all my sorting and packing. Did all the diy, putting up mirrors, pictures, rails etc. The garden too, was a building site and is now a cottage garden but again that is transient and it is all finished. I would love to have my husband to share a pot of tea but such is life. We al have that return ticket and every couple ends up as one.

There are so many lonely and alone people, many are stoic. I am glad it was me that was widowed and not my husband left on his own, I was and still am, the organiser and best at coping. Now I take my place as the centre of my family wheel, the wise woman to my family, albeit without the cottage in the woods which would suit me down to the ground

Yes I'm lonely and pretend to be fine. My husband died 18 months ago but it could be 18 years 18 hours or 18 minutes it still feels the same. I have family and friends and it's nice to feel needed by them but I sometimes well most times I would say I feel like my life is not real and I am 'acting' a part.
I go on holidays to our happy place which gives me some comfort and lovely memories but I don't think I will ever feel whole again.

I don’t feel lonely very often at home, but I do when I am out. I hate walking alone. Going to National Trust places, I feel perfectly safe but still lonely as everyone else seems to be in couples or family groups.
I miss having someone waiting at home for me on my return. There is nobody to check in with, to talk to about where I have been, what I have done.
I have been away on my own a few times before DH died but always with a purpose. Now I struggle with the idea of going away alone. I am looking for ideas of what I will enjoy and feel I can cope with. I have decided it has to be either self- catering or a hotel with evening meals as I do not want to be going out at night to eat alone.
It is years since I have been abroad, as it became too much for DH and unless it is an organised group I don’t feel confident about negotiating airports etc. My energy levels are not what they used to be. Yet I hope I have a few more active years in me.

Yes, four years in January

I feel so sad for those who are lonely, it’s a terrible thing and quite easy to feel lonely even when surrounded by friends and family. I’ve only been retired a year, facilitated by the sad death of my Mum, who I still miss terribly. At 64 (65 in December) I do have a number of health issues, but still able to drive and walk a bit. I’m “blessed” (?😂😂) with three adult children still living at home, 1 son and 1 stepdaughter living away, four dogs and a grandson and a small amount but long standing friends, one of whom lives in Canada, but we have known each other since nursery school, two old friends from secondary school, one friend from college and two from my first job in London, plus two other local friends I met a few years ago. I feel so grateful to have such loyal, lovely friends and even through the many hard times they’ve stuck right by me.

I can only suggest those feeling sad and lonely consider counselling, if appropriate, and then try out some local groups or online courses to fill their days, learn new things and meet new people.

Grief affects us all in so many different ways, there’s no set timescale, no wrong or right, we all handle things differently. I wish you all good times ahead 😊

ah! I so relate to this.. I go to the local church where there are quite a few older people, mostly women, most alone,,

but when asking "how are you" Fine comes the response..

I am not fine.. I am lonely, my dh died 4 years ago this coming month.. I still miss him , a lot... I am not fine, I am lonely, but people can`t cope with it , well that is what I feel,

occasionally someone will let on that they are lonely, but then cloak comes on again, and we are all expected to be fine!

I get it, I do... but... yes, I am lonely, 4 years on.

I've got my husband, family a friends but without my two estranged adult children and two grandchildren, I'm incredibly lonely.

Rileykids I was widowed in 2004 aged 45 my husband was 47. Not a day goes by I don't grieve for the love of my life . We had been together since I was 16 he was 18 . Couple for 29 years and married 22. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died .

I was born disabled also have a whole in my heart. My fit healthy husband got grade 4 malignant melanoma and after the cancer removed he was given 5 years to live . He lived 3.

He was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him that was some promises but the main one was live the best life you can. But after he died had both parents and mother in law to look after even though I was ill myself. I couldn't live the life I wanted until after my mom died in 2017 the last to die. I moved over 100 miles to the north west in 2019 and finally live my life to the full.

My husband died at home I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He had 6 tumours and couldn't breath on full oxygen. He died a few minutes later. But there is never any ok.

Half of me died when he did and haven't been whole since. I call the first 10 years of widowhood early days . Don't ever expect the grief to end you just learn to live with it. But even now it can overwhelm me . But the rage and anger I feel about him dieing gets me through everyday.

Don't try and be brave I thought I had to be and I was a fool. If you want to scream,cry,swear ,shout or hit a pillow do it. But don't hold the grief in. I thought I was wicked when the rage and anger hit me but it's part of grief. Like I said it gets me through another day. I talk out loud everyday to my husband I have shouted at him for leaving me , swore at him when my house sale fell through twice and when my son decided to dump me as his mom I raged at my husband. But every time I see him with that stupid grin on his face and imagine him saying feel better know.

This is just my experience. The phrase I hate is late husband as he was never late in his life. I said he's dead. But to me I am still married . Love and grief never dies and in my case I don't want it to.

I love my husband he was my everything my rock. My love for him has never faulted and I wouldn't be me without him still with me. I am an atheist so don't believe we will be together . But my husband lives on in our children's DNA and in our 5 grandson's. And that gives me comfort.

But like I said this is only my experience. I am now 65. I live my life for the both of use.
I am on several threads on this forum . Hopefully some of things I have said here or written on one of the other threads had helped someone.

My DH died in 2008 and it took me almost to year 4 to start feeling there was some sort of normality returning to my life. I don’t think you ever really totally stop grieving, you just learn to build a new life around the grief and at some point I seemed to be able to just tuck him into a corner of my heart for safe keeping.
Even now after 15 years, every now and again out he pops and the tears can suddenly flow even though I have been in a new relationship since year 5.
I think you sometimes have to force yourself to do things that enable you to rebuild a totally shattered life but it is often one step forward and two back I found. Don’t give up and keep putting one foot in front of the other and I am sure you will get there 💐

I am sure there are others, It will be two years in January since DH died and I have found this second year much harder. Accepting a new normal I didn’t choose is tough.