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How to Help Daughter

(7 Posts)
WorkingGran1964 Wed 07-Feb-24 12:07:05

My DSIL passed away after a long illness a few weeks ago.
My DD cared for him whilst working and looking after 2 DC.
She's finding it hard and I am not sure how to help. How much to do, not do. She won't ask. I've made some meals, stayed over a couple of times. There are a lot of willing F&F if needed.
Naturally, she mostly doesn't want to talk. Sometimes she's understandably snappy.
I will help the kids get cards and presents for Mother's Day. I know Valentine's Day will be another hard one. Should I buy her some flowers, which she has had a lot of over the last few weeks anyway. It will probably make it worse I guess if I did.
It's not from him and nothing can ever make it better.
What did other Mums/Grans do?

silverlining48 Wed 07-Feb-24 12:11:55

It’s so raw, so new and despite your son in law being ill for some time, it’s still a shock.
Give it time, space, its early days. She knows you are there for her. I am very sorry.

Omaoma57 Wed 07-Feb-24 12:17:37

My DSIL passed away after a short illness three years ago during covid…in another country! Went over and did what I could…huge hugs to you and your family…its not easy….my DD is still very snappy with me but I love her unconditionally and know her grief is real and that I am the one person who is there for her! Listen if she wants to talk, help with the mundane, be present! One of her favourite gifts from a friend was the book …why mummy swears…not sure of author. Message me if you want to unload…its hard as your grief is real too ….

BlueBelle Wed 07-Feb-24 12:28:39

My daughters partner died when my grandchildren were 4 and 6 I just tried to do whatever she asked in the way of child care and what to say to them I don’t think flowers for Valentines would be helpful unless it’s something you ve always done
My daughter got help from a group called WAY
(widowed and young ) obviously not straight away your daughters bereavement is very recent but later it may prove helpful just talking to others in a similar situation She made some friends she is still in touch with and later there was days out and short holidays etc it’s helpful when you ve got that horrible choice of wanting to do something but not alone
She also used Winston’s Wish for help with the children and advice on how best to help them with the loss of their Daddy
The first year was awful and the youngest a little girl ate very little apart from noodles, the 6 year old was given permission at school to go out of the classroom if needed (he did sometimes sit under the table) so if the children are still school age do help your daughter with talking to the teacher/ head about best ways to help
But my main advice is talk to her tell her you understand how heartbroken she is and you’re there for anything she wants even just a cuddle and when she wants to talk about anything at all you’re there to listen however if she doesn’t want to talk that’s ok too not a lot more you can do ….be there, offer anything but don’t take umbridge if she refuses
Just be there
💐big hug, it’s a tough time for everyone

WorkingGran1964 Wed 07-Feb-24 17:29:08

Thank you everyone for the kind words x

VioletSky Wed 07-Feb-24 17:33:00

You can't take this pain away no matter how much you want to

Being there for her is all you can do and it sounds like you are doing a great job

GrannySomerset Wed 07-Feb-24 17:41:33

Your presence with the children will relieve the pressure a bit and give your DD space to cope; nobody can really assuage her grief, but knowing the children are in a good place will help her enormously. She may or may not want to talk but you will know when she needs a sympathetic ear - not something anyone can force on her. She knows she is safe in your love which is so worthwhile.