Is it ok not to attend the funeral of a brother?

Sorry for your loss. It's fine. If you are happy to do so, you can offer your sister's condolences to his widow. Not all families are close and not everyone is in a position to attend funerals a long way from home.

I thinks its fine for her not to go

I agree. It is a long journey at 81, and not really straightforward either from Wales.

I have known family people who have felt that they could not attend a funeral of a relative, and they did not. Instead, a peaceful day was spent remembering, either at a church or quietly at home.

Thank you all, such a lovely group of people you are I really appreciate your support.

I don't think going to a funeral is necessary, people grieve in their own way

If they weren't close, it would probably be more her coming to support you... So let her if she wants too but I think you have handled this beautifully

My DF and his sister were close but lived 500 miles apart. When she died he was already quite frail and, despite my DH offering to drive, my DF felt the journey was too much so did not attend the funeral. Everyone understood.

I think what you plan happens a lot Tanith. As we grow older and lose our stamina and fitness and faced with long journeys, cannot consider them, no matter how dear to us the dear deceased was.

Perhaps watch/organise a live stream? We did this for dh mum funeral. Sad time - sorry.

Tanith, condolences on the death of your brother.
We have a similar situation, as my lovely sister in law's funeral is to be in a couple of weeks.
It will be a drive of over 4 hours, and although we have been offered a lift by our daughter, I feel that I am unable to attend, due to my total lack of stamina these days, and I know it will floor me.
So, to my great regret I have decided to stay home, and hopefully be able to watch on line.
Your sister must do what she feels most comfortable with.

Absolutely fine. However if your sister wishes to feel involved most funeral directors will now arrange for live streams or recordings. When both my mum and my aunty died we live streamed the funeral to their youngster sister in Canada.

Sorry for your loss

My sister may well be similar to your brother silverlining. She has been difficult and unpleasant for a number of years, but I hosted her when mum died and for mum’s funeral because she lives over 200 miles away. She was then extremely unpleasant over the will and inheritance. I don’t feel I want to go to her funeral but if it would support her adult children, particularly her daughter who I am very close to, then I would go.

My daughter lives in New Zealand and sent a lovely little resume of her memories of Nana which my niece read out at the funeral, and both my sons spoke too. My daughter cried because she couldn’t make the funeral, and I offered to pay her fare, but it wasn’t money that stopped her coming, it was the difficulty of the flights from such a long distance.

tanith I think it’s fine for your sister not to go to the funeral. She is 81 and the journey is difficult. The suggestions on here are useful. You can go to represent the family and support your lovely sister in law, who I’m sure will appreciate you being there.

My husband’s older relatives who live at a distance did not attend his funeral. Only one had health problems. They watched the live stream though.

It is entirely up to her whether she chooses to or not. It is a long way but she has to make that decision for herself.

Condolences Tanith

I think it's her choice. It's an awfully long way.

Of course it is ok, your sister is 81 and it is a long way for her to travel regardless of how she gets there.

Condolences Tanith

Other than my dh and children I have no one other than a brother who I am not close. I was thinking the other day would I want to go to his funeral should he pre decease me, weird I know but I was. I decided I probably wouldn’t.
He has been rather unpleasant over some serious issues the last 15 or more years so think it woukd be hypocritical if I did go and certainly don’t think my sil would miss me.
It’s a pity things aren’t different.
So no I am sure there won’t be a problem if your sister doesn’t go. A card to his wife, flowers maybe, should be fine.

Thanks everyone I don’t think she will regret it she asked what I thought about her not coming and that’s when I said I thought it would be fine.
I did the trip on the train last October it entails 3 changes of train ( she lives quite rural) and a bus ride it was not an easy journey for me.
I think my SIL will understand. Thankyou.

Perfectly fine to miss the funeral.

I think the idea of including her by zoom is very thoughtful if she wishes to do that.. otherwise it is fine to miss the funeral IMO

If she feels she might regret not going then could she take the train and stay with you for a couple of nights?

If not, I'm sure that will be fine.

I’m sure all concerned will understand Tanith as it such a long journey for your sister to make. It will be fine.
My condolences.

Depends entirely on what your sister thinks and wants ‘deep down’. If she really wants to go to the funeral and would regret it afterwards if she didn’t it would it be good if this could be made possible for her. ‘Be there at the end’ is a powerful message and IMO a mistake to deflect people from doing what they think is right.
If she isn’t bothered about it of course no problem.

I'd be fine with that too