Acute anxiety after death of my husband

My husband died eighteen months ago. I hadn’t expected that grief would cause anxiety and loss of confidence but it did. I now know it’s very common
Look after yourself , be kind and don’t expect too much of yourself
Some people find therapy helps
I’ve found doing things I enjoy helps

You really need to see your GP who will be able to prescribe appropriate medication to help you and possibly 6 weeks of counselling.. look after yourself and recognise that all these feelings are normal but you need a bit of help at the moment

Do see your GP.
My father-in-law died last May. His second wife who is 90 years old is suffering with acute anxiety. She is living on her own and can't get out as she can't walk far. She's had countless workmen out checking things. Health anxiety. She worries about everything these last few months. She phones me about it and I've told her to see a GP but she won't because of the phoning up at 8am .Hanging on the phone for anything up to an hour and when she does get through all the appointments have gone. This has happened on other concerns.
She says it's because she's on her own. Worse during the night. She thinks she hears the phone ringing She does 1471 and no one has rang. She hears noises.
I wish she would get to see her doctor. I will keep on at her.
Anxiety is an awful thing. Please see your doctor for some help. You can get help.
Take care.

Thanks for your replies. I will see my doctor. I realise now that I do need some help. Thanks again.

Sending you kindest thoughts

Peer support works really well , from other people going through the same , better in my books than 'professionals' .
But I acknowledge that sometimes the latter can be helpful too - for some.
We lost our adult son and it has been very traumatic. Being with other people who know the sadness - as they walk the same journey - has been a life saver.

I am sorry you are suffering so.
Try asking the GP who can suggest options for you.

When DH died it was lockdown so I couldn't get our apart from walks. A lovely friend recognised this and took me out for frequent walks .
These and Gransnet were lifesavers for me.

I tried Cruse (the club for the widowed) but I didn't find it was what I needed.

After 3 years I am getting stronger. I "talk" to DH occasionally and try to make sense of it all.

I wish you well. Please don't feel guilty.

Firstly I'm sure you did your best for your husband, and I bet he knew that. There's nothing you can do about it now, so that needs to be parked.

Secondly the anxiety thing I totally understand as I've been like that most of my life. My kids say I catastrophise. My only advice is distraction. Turn the radio on, watch rubbish TV, read a book. Perhaps your house is unnaturally quiet, now he's not there, so something noisy?
My condolences. What would he tell you to do (after he'd told you not to be so daft)?

adrisco what you are feeling is normal it's called grief and it's overwhelming. Having pills from the doctors is not the answer . Anxiety comes from the death of the other half of yourself. And you need to go through the grieving process . Masking it will only make it worse plus if your GP gives you a short course of anti depressants all the anxiety will hit like a ton of bricks or do you want to be on anti depressants for the rest of your life.

And before anyone jumps on me I have been widowed for 20 years . In 2001 my husband was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years to live . October 2003 he was terminal and given 4 months to 2 years but we knew Christmas he was coming to the end but he wanted to reach his 47th birthday in February and we promised him we would get him there. And we did he died at home with me and the children 4 days later. My husband died in agony unable to breath on full oxygen I had to tell him to stop and we would be ok . He died within a few minutes. But there is never an ok .We had been together since I was 16 he was 18. 29 years together married 22 years. Our children where 20 and 16 when he died. He was my other half and I was his together we made a whole. When he took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole since. But you have to go through all the stages of grief . I foolishly thought I had to be brave for everyone else but I was 45 what did I know about death . My husband was and still is the love of my life .

When the other half of yourself dies your present and future die to and you have to make a new present and future and it's bloody hard. You go from a couple making decisions to suddenly having to make them all yourself. Our home never felt like home once my husband died it was just a house.

Both children left 2 years after there dad died because I told them they had to live their own lives. I could have been one of those women who guilt tripped their children in staying local but we brought our children up to fly and live where they wanted. My daughter was in her final year at uni when her dad died but she still got a brilliant degree with honours . She came home to see her brother through A levels but only did temp jobs and not using her education she worked very hard getting . And our son when to the same uni. There is a 4 year age gap. They both moved over 100 miles away to the north west.

But I couldn't move as I had both parents and mother in law to look after. Even thought born disabled they needed me . So I helped mom look after my dad he died 2007 . And helped her through her grief. I looked after my mother in law a woman I hated for 40 years until she died in 2015. But hated my father in law as well he died in 1988. Because of the way they treated my husband . They looked after him but never loved him or gave him the attention he needed but he got all that from my extended family. After he died his mother denied she had a son our grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings. For all I hated her I couldn't not look after her she was still my mother in law and my children's nan . Spent the last 2 days by her bedside at the hospital for 15 hours each day. And fought with the help of the nurses for her to stay there when the doctor wanted her move to a home . He brother and sister in law turned up after she died. She was 91 and out lived her son by 11 years.

Had my mom live with me the last 18 months of her life she had breast cancer and dementia meant she wasn't safe to live on her own . But I couldn't put my mom in a home . Unfortunately my mom died 4 months before her body and became violent. Dementia took everything from my mom. She thought I was her mom . But mom never wet or soiled herself and always told me when she needed the commode. Mom died in 2017. I am proud of the fact my mom never had a bed sore as I looked after her skin and moved her often.

There is a point to telling you this and that's it was only after mom died I realised how I had to mask my grief in front of others . In private I could let it go and the rage and anger I feel for my husband dieing is still with me and it's what gets me through everyday even after 20 years. And you must feel the rage and anger as it's part of grief. I got told how horrible I was on another thread on this forum for feeling this way but months later the woman who said it sent me a PM apologising as she was going through it and understood what I meant.

Because of my children wanted it I went to a bereavement group at a local charity . But it was useless. The woman had done a 12 week course and was married . The nearest person to my age was a 68 year-old man the woman where in their 70's and 80's. I don't lie so my children only asked if it was ok. And it was they where nice people but they had no concept of what it was like being widowed at my age . I know one of the posters on here was younger than me and had younger children. Which means it was doubly hard for her.

Talk out loud to your husband everyday I promise it will help. I have shouted at my husband for dieing then I see him with that stupid grin on his face, I have swore at. Screamed and shouted and hit a pillow. But it's all normal it's part of grieving only wish I realised that when I was first widowed I would have saved myself a lot of pain and thinking I was wicked feeling like I did and still do.

My husband was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him and that was some promises and I have kept everyone. The important one is life the best life you can but I couldn't do that until 2019 when I moved to live closer to my children.

But I have a home again and my husband is with me in my mind and heart all my memories I brought with me. I am an atheist so don't believe we will met again . But what gives my comfort is our children and 5 grandson's have part of his DNA and he lives on in them.

Grief doesn't get any easier as the years go by as my husband has missed so much but you learn to cope. But grief can still overwhelm me at times so I have a good cry and feel better .

Grief is the price we pay for loving and being loved in return by the other half of yourself. But I am lucky some people live their whole lives and never have that .

You have to feel the grief but this is my own personal experience and view. And don't bother having a go at me anyone . I know what I feel and know the rage and anger I feel gets me through everyday. And have written the same thing on other threads on this forum.

Everyone grieves in their own way and it hurts but you have to feel it . Love like grief never dies. And as far as I am concerned I am still married and hate being classed as single and always a Mrs .

To all of you grieving I hope one day you find a way to live with it. But remember the love you still have for your other half .

adrisco, you’re only five months from the devastating loss. We are all different and must do what we feel helps us but, I agree with Whiff about the possible downside of reaching for meds to mask feelings. You’re in the very early part and are likely to feel raw, to be re-living as you process your experiences. Guilt, anxiety, fear, overwhelming feelings of loss will be with you.

. Please take it a day at a time, don’t expect too much of yourself. Our GP practice has a mental health specialist. I had one session, which I went to beginning to feel I needed anti depressants. It was very helpful in confirming I wasn’t depressed, I was grief stricken and doing well in the circs

I also found others on gransnet very helpful x

I do think it depends on the symptoms. Anxiety symptoms can be overwhelming and there are physical strategies and medication that can help. The decision can only be between patient and doctor.

Mamie

I do think it depends on the symptoms. Anxiety symptoms can be overwhelming and there are physical strategies and medication that can help. The decision can only be between patient and doctor.

I agree Mamie..

I think it’s a natural reaction and I am sure with the support of family and friends it will get easier for you. It’s been suggested to find distractions don’t isolate yourself get out and about as much as you are able.

You could look for new things to do walking club or volunteering locally meeting new people. Sometimes even people you don’t really know can be very supportive. If they realise you are feeling vulnerable they can be kind and understanding.

Your husband was having difficulties health wise and declining I am sure you did everything you could to support him. Don’t be hard on yourself for things you should have done or said. Your husband would not want you to dwell on this.

If you feel you need to have a talk with your doctor who will advise you on what might help. I hope you feel better for talking to others it does help to share best wishes 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is early in the process for you and everything you are experiencing is common to the grieving process, especially the guilt. It’s two years and two weeks since my DH died and it’s only now that I’m realising much his death diminished me, physically and psychologically. You’ll find the fortitude, as most of us do, to build on what made you such a good, loving team. Don’t be afraid to let your children take the weight (it will help them as well as you) until you have the strength to move forward - and you will have. Small moves at first. One day at a time.

Greyduster 🌻

Thank you all for your replies. I feel better, if weepy, reading them. You all understand. Chardy, you are right - I need distraction. I do feel better when out of the (very quiet) house. And I definitely catastrophise!. Thanks Whiff for your story - you have been through so much. Thanks again everyone.

As the great Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hahn said 'understanding is love'

I'm sorry to hear about your husband I would recommend getting some counselling if you can but do whatever works for you It is such a tough time

What a sad thread. My heart goes out to all going through grief. Didn't someone say , " Greiving someone we have lost is the price we pay for love ". I have probably misquoted,but I think it's generally the saying. I hope all those grieving find some peace.🌹