My ex died

Im sure it’s a normal reaction to mourn the loss of someone once close. Especially if there were good times. I think we get nostalgic as we get older and it is a shock when someone we know dies even if we haven’t seen or heard from them in years .

Perhaps you had retained some hope during all those years when he still lived, that you and he may revive at least some of the relationship. Your mourning is as genuine as can be, and I hope you weather it. Mourning is grievous and I respect your feelings.

That could have been me writing that whywhywhy Mine made three children with me, that were totally ignored his entire life, no money, no presents, no interest, he also went off to USA where he remarried and had two more children he was also found by a son he didn’t know he had and who was born a month after my last child !!! No idea if there were more

He also divorced the second wife or rather she divorced him When he got old and ill he wanted to come home to visit me and asked my eldest to be a go between I am normally so soft I bend over backwards to please people but I could never open myself up to him and the abuse again so I stuck firmly to no He died a year or too after I don’t think I felt a lot at all it was like all my tears had long been dried up I had cried so much over him there was none left.

I think with any relationship that was deeply important, no matter how long it lasted or whether, you were married, to hear that the someone who was once the object of your affections has died, can affect one deeply.

Long ago and far away I fell deeply in love with someone, but it was not to be. By chance a few years ago I heard he had died and I read an obituary published in his professional institutes journal, which showed that my memoriesof him had not embellished him and until the day he died, he was the person I remembered. I mourned him for some time and still think of him now and again.

Mourning him, even though I fell in love again and have been married to my DDH for over 50 years.

Of course you will mourn someone you were married to for eleven years and who fathered your son, even if the relationship did eventually fail.

I think it would probably help a lot to go to your favourite place and maybe make a little shrine with his photo and some flowers/shells or whatever was special to you.. Sit with his memory... remembering all the good times and then say goodbye and let him go...
You can then hopefully move on knowing that you did love him and have now said goodbye....

Hi I totally get it my ex died last year at 44 years old we were together for 22 years and had 2 kids now 26 and 22 we had split in June 2019 hadn’t spoke in a year and we had both moved on with other partners.I think about him everyday and visit his grave often and I’m still grieving and get bad days of feeling sad down and depressed and I really feel for my kids.My Daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 13 wks ago and I think of what he’d be like with her madly in love with her and what he’s missing out on.My kids have done him proud and always have done and gave him a beautiful send off I’m considering going to speak to someone cause I live everyday of feel nothing but guilt and he’s in my head everyday and I do miss him.

Thank you all so much. You are so understanding.

He was a part of your life and gave you happy times and your son so it's natural to feel a degree of grief. Perhaps there is a 'What if' in there somewhere too, dragging back into your mind the family life you hoped you would have. It will calm down. You are not pathetic. You are a human being and sound like a nice one too.

Thank you.

I think you are mourning the man you loved, he ceased to exist sometime ago when he either changed or revealed who he really was. The young man you loved was real to you either way and he has died. I think it is understandable, I had similar feelings but mine were overshadowed by my concern for our children who loved him

All I can say is the old cliche, time is a great healer, was true for me. I can now look back to the young man I fell madly in love with and forget the hurt and pain he caused me when he became cruel and selfish. I hope you get there.

Thank you for all of your replies.
I’m considering going to one of our favourite places in the past and saying goodbye. Life was great at first with him but I had to leave after 11 years.
Thankfully I do have a very kind and understanding husband now.

I agree with V3ra. You are mourning what might have been. I often wonder how I would feel in the same situation. I hear that my ex is not in the best of health; and also wonder what might have been, but reflect on the life I have had since he left and I know that I've had a far more rewarding life than I'd have led with him.

I have heard it said that grief can be worse if you didnt get on well with a former spouse who dies.

I dont know how true that is.

This is really very normal - he was a huge part of your life for awhile, and as you have a child together, there would always be some sort of connection.
Part of it will be mourning the man you loved.
Let yourself be sad for a bit, look after yourself and do some nice things.
I don't know if this would suit you, it wouldn't be for everyone: go to a place where you were happy with him, and say goodbye quietly. Then look forward.

So sorry for your loss.

He is the father of your child, grief does not have to have a reason

V3ra

I think you're mourning the life you thought you'd have, and should have had, but he took it all away from you with his poor behaviour. And now he's dead there's nothing else, and no chance to ever talk to him or do anything about it. So hard.

I think all you can do is take a deep breath and look forward, concentrate on the good people in your life.
No more looking back, no more regrets.

Best wishes xx

Exactly this whywhywhy, give yourself time though, you’re grieving. Take care.

Can’t say any better than that V3ra. Very insightful.

On another topic - enjoy your driving why. 💐

I think you're mourning the life you thought you'd have, and should have had, but he took it all away from you with his poor behaviour. And now he's dead there's nothing else, and no chance to ever talk to him or do anything about it. So hard.

I think all you can do is take a deep breath and look forward, concentrate on the good people in your life.
No more looking back, no more regrets.

Best wishes xx