AIBU barely able to cope with the grief

3 years is forever as you are going through it. Endless. Loss of dear ones can be so all consuming. I have found nothing that fills any of the gaps. It will be 4 years at the end of next month. I'm grateful for my husband's love, which is with me still. I am grateful for his spirit making me aware he is here with me.

But... but... with the way the world is progressing on every level, it won't be long before all we need to survive will be gone, and I will be here facing it alone. I'm in an area which literally could burn up during the summer. I'm tired in my soul. My dog and cat are my best companions. Others in the area deny the crisis we are in environmentally, politically, personally. I really had hoped by now they all would grow up. But so many refuse. All this makes the loss of my husband deeper.

Romola you probably feel the same way I do I am still married and still Mrs . Never wanted another man . My husband was my one and only . I am glad you had a long marriage. And you probably feel like I do half of you is missing. But we where lucky we found the other half of ourselves and we were there's. In an second you are classed as single still hate that . I am married .

When their dad died the children told me there where proud of me as they didn't think I would cope. They didn't and still don't know how wrong they were . I call the first 10 years early grief .

My husband was a wiseman he knew what I needed to carry on without him and that was a series of promises. But I couldn't do the most important one until I moved here 6 years ago and that's live my life to the full. Since moving to the north west I live my life to the full. But I am still only half a person .

But I know your husband would be proud of you . Can't remember who said but they said grief is not for sissies . That's true. The longer and harder we love the worst the grief. But if we didn't love we wouldn't feel grief . So I would rather live with the grief.

Bone crushing grief can hit you out of the blue . When I was first widowed I thought I had to be brave for everyone else. I was a fool but I was 45 what did I know about having my heart broken .

For me my husband has missed so much in the nearly 22 years since he died that hurts especially as he always wanted to be a granddad. We have 5 grandson's. But I only see 2 . My son estranged me 5.5 years ago his choice I never saw it coming . But I know if his dad had lived it wouldn't have happened as he was my knight in slightly tarnished armour.

3 years isn't that long ago . First 10 years I call early grief . You are filling your days and I am sure that's what your husband would have wanted for you . He wouldn't want you to stop living your life to the full. I know you are in pain and I can't say it will get any better as in my experience grief gets worse as the years go by you just learn to cope . 🌹

My beloved DH died three years ago last October. He was 87, ten years older than me. I do not try to "get over" it. Grieving keeps him with me. I miss our life together. Tears are ever close to the surface.
I go through the motions. I run the house and garden, I volunteer, I entertain friends, I travel to see the AC and GC who do not live nearby. I think it's called displacement activity.
Everyone tells me how well I'm doing.

Cillafan if it is a twin cabin have you got a friend or relative who could go on the cruise with you ?

Cillafan the tears will come when you least expect them to but don't fight them . Your beloved big sister has died with the age gap between bet she was like a extra mom to you . I still have my brother so I don't know your grief . But I know grief as my husband died nearly 22 years ago.

I know how hard it is to get up each morning especially as you shared a house and the silence is deafening . It's takes effort to wash and clean your teeth . You feel why bother but you have to . Like you have to eat and drink and don't mean alcohol.
What I will say talk out loud to your sister everyday I promise it helps . I have shouted at my husband,swore at him ,blamed him for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say do you feel better now and I do.

Bet your sister would tell you off if you didn't do everyday things like make you bed etc.

Have you paid for your cruise and is it something your sister was looking forward to ? You say it's in 3 months . I would say go and do all the things she was looking forward to doing . You will not be the only person on your own . This is my own opinion but women handle grief better than men. And you have 3 months to get used to your sister not being with you . I can't say grief lessons but you learn to cope but it can take months even years . I can't say grief gets easier I know my own gets worse as the years go by but love never dies .

Being a man, I say men have the silver backed gorilla attitude. I know the men in my family had and have it . You think you have to be the strong one and look after everyone else. But you don't have to be strong you are paying the price of loving your sister as without love there can be no grief . Grief is the price we pay for love but think of it this way you were loved and you loved in return. Some people live their whole life and never know what it's like to be loved by their own family let alone a partner .

My dad and husband was never shown any love. In my dad's case his dad and stepmom, his mom died when he was 3 and brother 18 months . Dad was the oldest of 7 he never called his half siblings anything but brothers and sisters. He didn't know what a loving family was until he met my mom . He had only known beatings and malnutrition from the adults. But he was loved by his siblings he was their big brother .

My husband's parents looked after him but didn't give him love or attention. But he got it from my family .

You and your sister shared a strong bound filled with love. But bet you had times where you argued which is only natural.

You will go through all the stages of grief but in your own time and order and when the rage and anger hits you don't fight it as it's part of grief. It doesn't mean you don't love and always will love your sister. I still feel the rage and anger of my husband dieing everyday but I use it in a positive way it's what gets me through everyday without him . Especially as I was born disabled and it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died .

Your sister is free of the pain COPD causes and the chest infections etc that go with it . She will always be your sister death doesn't change that . Look at all the memories you share good ,bad and down right ugly. But you had eachother. Hold on to that love and memories. If she wore something that smelled or had a favourite smell she liked when you are ready smell it .

Sorry I don't know what else I can say that might help you as I don't know your grief . But you must live everyday for you both . 🌹

I'm in grief right now, my beloved sister died last saturday, her COPD caught up with her, she was 75, I'm her brother, 64, we shared a house and holidays together, part of me just wants to go to sleep and never wake up, the other part wants me to go on, I can't even cry I'm in so much shock, we were planning to go on a cruise in 3 months, she would have wanted me to go alone, but my heart won't be in it.

Shame on you SarahWilson15 for trolling such a sensitive thread, with your “ad”.

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Theres no right way to grieve. I used to shut the door after being out with friends and break my heart for a long time. I was in a daze I think when my husband died for a couple of years, I did everything I could, didn't let the house go, saw friends, joined things, went on holiday but I sleep walked through and really I didn't want to be here. Gradually the clouds broke, little by little, I still miss him after all these years, never wanted anyone else, I do get lonely but I cope and its better than being with someone you don't want to be with. My daughter estranged me and that was a heartbreak, then my best friend died in her sleep. There was so much loss in a short time. Now I still miss my husband and daughter, both gone from me for different reasons but I have a different life to the one I expected but I am happy again in a another way.
It has made me a more understanding person as before it happened to me I never realised what pain done people going through

I wonder why that might have been.

This is an old post Nanaclaire never did come back to tell us how she was doing

Such touching posts here. Whiff what a wise and brave woman you are.

NanaClaire38, I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending love. xx

I’m so sorry, NanaClaire. Grief is not a competition, as I’m sure you know.

Often it is those who remind everyone of their loss at every opportunity who get the sympathy, when it is those who just quietly ‘get on with it’ who need it more.

I'm right there with you. My darling husband passed in April.
It's like wading through treacle...slow.. difficult and getting nowhere fast.
Some days are easier than others.. yesterday I cried because a perfumed candle smelled like his aftershave..I watched SisterAct and the hymn singing got to me..
We all move forward at our own pace...don't expect to feel better quickly.
Know that I'm with you in this..like many others on GN.
Xxx

We all know what it feels like - there are days were it hits you and hurts, and others where you carry on all right.

Nothing else really that I can say, but I feel for you.

All I can say is I've been there and understand what you are going through. Early widowhood is a hard road to travel but the going gets easier eventually.
Sorry you are going through the roughest time. 💐💐💐

I understand your pain, it will pass, becoming bearable at least.
I lost my son, I felt such unbelievable sadness & anger too!
Now, time has given me a breathing space & an acceptance of my loss. Time really does heal. All my best wishes x.

Grief unites all of us and we all experience it to some extent throughout our lives. The irony is that it is also the loneliest feeling in the world.
It does help to try to share it, and try not to keep it to yourself. There is no time limit either- it can take us by surprise at any time.
My experience is not to fight it, to give in to the tears, but also to try to create something from it, in whatever way you like to be creative. Use that grief to make something new, that wasn't here before, as a tribute to your loved one. Don't hold it in.

NanaClaire grief will always be with you . You are what I call early grief the first 10 years. It's been 21.5 years since my husband died and half of me died that day and haven't been whole since . He died 4 days after his 47th birthday in 2004:. He wanted to get to his birthday and we promised to get him there. In the end I had to tell him to stop struggling even in full oxygen and we would be ok. He died few minutes after at home with me and the children .But there is never an ok . But given time you learn to cope with your grief. The rage and anger I feel still over my husband dieing gets me through everyday . I was born disabled and always prepared to die first . But it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer . He was given 5 years he lived 3.

You are not alone feeling as you do . You have lost half of yourself the only person who knew the real you and you then . You go from being us to you in a second and it's horrible. The longer your where together the worst it is.

Learning to live having to make all the decisions is hard . I still sleep in my side of the bed . Still hate the empty side . In the early years I knew if I had a bad night as I would wake up in his side . Which made me feel worse. Our home became a house when he died .

Do not fight your grief for your husband and best friend use that to get through each day . Think what would your husband would say to you and what he would want for you . Same with your best friend. And if you think about it they would want to live your life to the full.

Bone crushing grief still overwhelms me at times but I don't fight it and have a good cry and rant at my husband for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and know he is saying feeling better and I do.

I was 45 when widowed and was foolish I thought I had to be brave for everyone else . Our children where 20 and 16 plus had both parents and mother in law. The children left home 2 years later. My daughter was only doing temp jobs and not using her degree she worked so hard for and my son went to uni. I told them both they had to live their own lives . They did what I wanted and moved back to the city where my daughter got her degree and my sons uni was the same one she went to .

I had no life I existed . I looked after my parents and mother in law until they all died mom last to go in 2017.

My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without him . But until I moved nearer to the children in 2019 I couldn't live the best life I can and I do . I have a home again my bungalow,have lovely neighbours and live a full life . But it's because of his love for me and mine for him I do . We where together from when I was 16 he was 18. 29 years married 22.

Don't look on the dreams as a negative thing but a positive . In your dreams you are having time with them both and they will always live in your head and heart. Think of it you where lucky to have found a man to share your life with who loved you and you him and a best friend who you loved and she loved you . Some people never find the other half of themselves and feel the love you have and still have for your husband. And a best friend that meant so much to you and you her and being loved and love again .

I think you husband and best friend would be cross with you if you die before you time. Live your life to the full for them both . Be happy you had 2 wonderful people in your life.

You say you have a group you meet twice a week but feel lonely . I am lonely but only for my husband. I like living on my own . I have a life back . Like it said I existed from 2004 until I moved here in 2019 . That was no way to live and it cost me healthwise all the things I went through. Which I have written about on other threads here.

I am 67 now and can honestly since I moved her aged 61 I am happy again . Happiness is an underrated emotion. I have never wanted another man my husband was my one and only my true love and I was his . I am so lucky to have found him when young .

If you don't have any hobbies find something you will enjoy . I cross stitch and read. But you don't need counselling you just need time to grief . 🌹

I'm very sorry youre feeling so low 💐

Have you considered any bereavement counselling NannaClaire ? are you able to think about any volunteering there is nothing like thinking of and helping others to help with your own sadness
I wish you good luck but you can’t just go off this earth how ever much you want to, so make the most of what’s left to be useful to others just a thought

NanaClaire38 - so sorry for your pain and the emptiness you feel.


I know you are not alone.