Lady recently lost her dear husband

His family are suffering to and they are helping each other.
I befriended someone who turned out to be selfish and demanding and one Easter she rang saying she had run out of a special dog food that she would only get from sonewhere 6 miles away, would I go and get it as she had drunk to much and could not go, drink was her crutch. Never saw her again.

I agree with butter and jam. Give the lady time. Why do you think she's relying too much on his family? that is also her family??? They will be supporting each other surely as families do! Not everyone grieves in the same way.. You could give her a nice bunch of flowers and a card saying 'You know where I am if you need anything.' Do not be intrusive but let her know you are there.

Take a page out of my book.
I tried to help my neighbour after her husband passed away. She couldn’t drive so I took her to various appointments, shopping etc. But it got to the point, where she would walk in anytime, daily, and regardless of whether I had my family visiting or not, she would expect me to sit with her. She would get annoyed if my teenage grandson came over. and I left her to make him a cup of tea or whatever. ‘Can’t he do it himself’ - she once retorted .
That was it. I realised she was demanding and selfish.
I eased off our friendship. I was always too ‘busy’. I think she got the message.
So don’t be a crutch for anyone. Help is one thing, but letting someone take over your life is another.

I realise you want to help this lady, and that's very kind of you. However, it might be an idea to suggest some other options, rather than taking a course of action that could lead her to become dependent on you. Perhaps she could contact Cruise, the bereavement charity, who would allocate her to someone who would encourage her to talk through her feelings and find solutions for herself. There is an organisation called the Jolly Dollies, which is a social group for widows. There are branches throughout the UK and a very reasonable annual membership. I have been a member of my local group for five years now. We have fortnightly lunches and also go to the theatre and various musical events. Finally perhaps her GP would refer her to Talking Therapies.

Send her a note or a text, saying what you have said here, except fo'r the first three lines of you post.

As a fairly new widow - eighteen months down the line from DH's death, I am certain she will appreciate your kindness.

Suggest you go out for coffee or something similar whenever she feels like it.

I’d send a card with your number on, and suggest that she contacts you when she feels ready, maybe just to go for a walk together?

butterandjam

Its only a week ago, give her some space. and time to get past the funeral.

i was just about to write the same thing.

At the moment she will be surrounded by family and they will be ll she wants. Drop her a note expressing sympathy, but no more and possibly a small bunch of flowers (for her, not the funeral), then leave it until a week-10 days after the funeral. then perhaps drop her a note and ask her around to coffee - then play it by ear.

I do not know how recent this was, but you could send a condolence card with your phone number and an offer of coffee, or with whatever you feel comfortable.

Give it a month and put a note through, offering to go with you, shopping/coffee/swimming or whatever you are doing

His family are her family, im guessing they're going through the grieving process together..
Yes wait until the funeral is over and everyone starts 'getting on with things' that's when she'll need people more

I’m in agreement with both karma and doodle.
As an independent person, I didn’t want to impose my sadness on others. My friends remained as we are still - supportive as ever to each other - but I just had to get on with things. My DH would’ve wanted that and I certainly didn’t want to burden the DDs, who were trying to cope with their own grief for their loss.

As always, I'm sorry to read of Whiff’s increasing sense of loss, but we are all different and after 5 years, I still mourn DH and for what he’s missed, but life is good and to be lived.

We are all different and handle grief differently. The lady might be very independent and cope well or very insecure and needy but more likely, somewhere in between and lost.
I am immeasurably grateful to my neighbour who has become a good friend for her caring and support,
I would invite the lady to meet you somewhere for a coffee when she feels up to it. Perhaps a note through the door so she knows it’s not just you being polite but meaning it. See what the response is. It’s kind of you to want to help.

There’s the problem with bereavement, particularly perhaps loss of a partner. Different people need different things.

I was grateful ( and relieved) to find I had a bunch of friends who still wanted to do the usual stuff with me. To be reassured there was still a life out there. To be left alone with my grief would have been my worst nightmare.

After making the funeral arrangements in the first couple of days the next ten before the funeral stretched out endlessly in front of me - alone.

So I was really appreciative of the shopping trip, the cinema and the dinner.

The secret to welcome support is I guess, knowng what the other person wants 🤔

When my husband died unexpectedly two years ago I was in a total daze, my two elder children saw to everything, luckily my daughter is a funeral director (undertaker). They were really wonderful and I greatly appreciated all the flowers, cards and messages I received but I honestly didn’t want to have long telephone conversations or visitors who stayed too long expecting tea and cake. I think when there is family involved the best thing to do is what I have always done, a card or short message of sincere condolence and an offer of help, shopping, watering the garden, show you are willing to be there if needed but not intruding there is a difference.

Its only a week ago, give her some space. and time to get past the funeral.

I would take for a coffee somewhere and gauge how she is feeling. You can't fix her grief but you may be able to help her manage it in her own way by being friendly and supportive but in a way that doesn't impose on her space to grieve.

I am sorry to hear of your neighbour's bereavement.
You seem very caring and obviously remember how you felt at the time of your own loss.
I'm a very independent person and at the time I was widowed I managed well with regard to organising the funeral and sorting out the mountain of admin.
I did however value the emotional support of friends and family.
If I were you I would ask your neighbour round for a coffee or cup of tea. Just allow her to take the lead when she's with you. If she wants to talk about her feelings , listen. No need to try to 'put things right '.
Occasionally perhaps an outing to a garden centre or something similar that you both would like.
Keep it simple, don't put any pressure on her. Let her go at her own pace, making her own decisions.
Just be there if she wants your company.

I wanted to be on my own and started to cope by myself very quickly. Not dependent on anyone and my AC all feel free, not at my beck and call.

I would not want any neighbour to be dependent on me, she needs to grow through this and that requires her to think for herself. All too easy for people to become dependent on someone else. I would not facilitate that, it will do her no favours

Cath do you live an active independent life . I can understand you wanting to help this woman . Do you live an independent live and go out do activities and live your life to the full. I know you want to comfort this woman but don't invite her to dinner or watch the telly with you as she may become dependent on you . And she will take over your time .

It's hard being a widow my husband died in 2004 aged 47. He was the fit healthy one but got cancer and died . I was born disabled and have a heart condition. But after he died looked after both my parents and my mother in law who I hated for 40 years but she was my husband's mom and child's nan . I didn't have a life I existed . My home became a house when my husband died as he was home . I was on call 24/7 had no life but I couldn't not look after them . Mom lived with my last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Looked after her myself. Didn't realise how much my health had suffered and didn't realise 2 weeks after mom's funeral in 2017 I was seriously ill. I just thought my body was saying rest turned out I had jaundice but I couldn't see I was yellow . Seriously ill for 5 months and on discharge my gastrologist told me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. Jaundice was caused by 2 tablets I had been taking since 1992. Luckily have no lasting liver damage. But not being about to do anything gave me time to decide what I wanted out of life . Only 3 things move , lose weight and get fit .

I moved to the north west in 2019 and finally had a home again in my bungalow and live my life yo the full. Like my husband wanted . Lost 7st still struggling to lose another stone . Got to 2 exercise classes a week plus do exercises at home and 500 rotations on my static pedals. To keep my mobility. My days fly by. Got to chat and cuppa once a month and go to craft group once a month . Go on holiday on my own via train .

It's hard one minute you are us then I. I am still Mrs as to me I am still married . It's not easy being on your own but we all have to get used to it. Even after all these years bone crushing grief overwhelms me so have a good cry then see my husband with his stupid grin as if to say feeling better.

My grief gets worse every year as he has missed so much . But I love him as much today as I always have.
Going from a couple to having to make all the decisions is hard . But everyone who's other half dies has to go through it by themselves. I lost half of me the moment my husband took his last breath and haven't been whole since . But I am lucky we had 29 years and married 22. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves.

Ask her round to share dinner with you. Just your ordinary meal. Watch a tv programme you both enjoy together. Send a morning, lovely weather text.

It’s the ordinary stuff you miss when your learning to be alone.