Valentines Day

People can be incredibly insensitive, I don't think a lot of people realise how bad it is until it happens to them.

Whiff

Until it happens to you don't know what bone crushing grief for your spouse or partner is like . I was 45 what did I know about grief.

How you feel half of you is missing , going from a couple to single in a blink of an I .. Learning how to do everything yourself . Remembering not to set an extra place at the table

Family and friends who still have there other halves I love seeing they still have eachother. Love seeing the affection they have towards eachother. Loved seeing my parents still holding hands as they walked along. Why shouldn't people show how much they love the other halves in front of you .

I would hate any of my family and friends suffer bone crushing grief.

Do not be grudge your family and friends their love and happiness. It says more about you than them if you are jealous and want them to stop showing effection.

Been 22 years since my husband died but I am happy when I see people showing they love eachother.

Just be grateful you found the other half of yourself. Some people live their whole life and never know that love and completeness. We are the lucky ones . If we didn't love like that then we wouldn't grieve.

🥀

keepcalmandcavachon

It is so upsetting to realise that some people that we are friends with seem to have very little empathy or compassion when it comes to what they put out there, knowing that some have lost their loved ones.
It's not hard to think surely?
Hugs & Luckygirl x

Kate1949

Personally I would never discuss Valentine's gifts or cards in front of people who have lost their partners. It's extremely insensitive. Not that we celebrate it. We don't.

We celebrate, as did my lovely parents, but I agree, I’d never “brag” about my gift or what we did, in fact I wouldn’t do this about anything we choose to celebrate, to do this on a group where 3 ladies no longer have their husbands beside them is crass and unforgivable, imo.

JaneJudge

I have had a lot of loss and trauma from an early age and have enough empathy and compassion to transfer that into the understanding of others. You wouldn't have a clue what I have been through as I rarely post about it. Maybe it's best not to assume

All I can say is that the loss of a life long partner is unique and relevant in the context of a thread on Valentines Day. I see you do not address the issues of begrudging and being jealous. It was a cruel nasty unnecessary comment

I have had a lot of loss and trauma from an early age and have enough empathy and compassion to transfer that into the understanding of others. You wouldn't have a clue what I have been through as I rarely post about it. Maybe it's best not to assume

JaneJudge

I enjoy reading your posts Whiff, I don't understand why people get so huffy. You are just being honest and I think that is fine.

Luckygirl, I'm sorry you found yesterday difficult. We have never done valentines day but my husband is a good man and I would have been upset, in your shoes I would treat yourself to something nice xx

So accusing a poster of begrudging and being jealous is ok? Thanks for calling me huffy? Do I take it you haven’t walked in my shoes yet? If so then quite frankly you have no idea.

I enjoy reading your posts Whiff, I don't understand why people get so huffy. You are just being honest and I think that is fine.

Luckygirl, I'm sorry you found yesterday difficult. We have never done valentines day but my husband is a good man and I would have been upset, in your shoes I would treat yourself to something nice xx

Whiff
Tuliptree I will not stop posting on bereavement threads . If you see my name don't read what I write. I have written on many threads on this forum and people who can't say things openly have sent me PMs so I know I do help people.

I said that if you couldn’t be supportive, you shouldn’t post . What you posted was cruel and unkind. If you can’t see that then you are not helping. Some of us are much more recently bereaved than others and are at different stages in our journey. I want nothing to do with a thread that criticises people for being jealous and begrudging others happiness.

Tuliptree I will not stop posting on bereavement threads . If you see my name don't read what I write. I have written on many threads on this forum and people who can't say things openly have sent me PMs so I know I do help people.

I only write about things I have personally experienced. But I tell the truth and don't sugar coat things . I have been told off by posters on this and other forums and had posters try and get me banned .

Those that know my story not just being a widow ,but looking after others after my husband died . My battle to get my diagnosis of my disability I was born with ,finding out also born with hole in the side of my heart and my 35 year battle to get disability benefits. Plus my son estranging me via email. Moving house and other things I write about.

Luckygirl thank you .I know the silliest things can trigger me into a sodden mess even after 22 years . I don't even have to be thinking of my husband and suddenly the tears fall. But I don't fight it . I did when I was first widowed as I thought I had to be brave for everyone else. Our children where 20 &16. So waited until I went to bed before I let go the tears. I was a fool . That's why I encourage newly bereaved not to fit their tears . And if they what to shout ,swear hit a pillow just do what makes you feel better. Lost track of how many times I have said this shouldn't be my life ,shouted at my husband for dieing ,blamed him because I can't open a bottle etc . But then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now and I do .

Grief isn't for sissies it's hard and in my experience gets harder as the years go by . 🌹

Some very moving posts and some lovely people on this thread. We don’t bother with Valentine’s Day, not that many do here. We have been married since 1967 ( child bride me, literally) . However I did buy a new air fryer today , my old one has turned its toes up after constant use over the years.

Just to say I do not begrudge the happiness of others - pangs of sadness come unbidden and are I think natural and inevitable. We never know what the trigger might be.

Whiff

Luckygirl once we got married in 1981 we decided not to bother with valentine's day. Before that we never made a big thing of it. I suppose because I wasn't brought up with money and my parents never bothered with as it was a waste of money .

My husband could be a old softy at times and said being with me was the best thing that happened to him so he didn't need a special day to show me he loved me . Don't get me wrong our 29 years together and married 22 wasn't all roses and romance . We where both stubborn and had a temper . So we did argue but about stupid things never anything important. I used to think he picked a fight for make up sex. If you knew my husband you would know what I mean . And yes I know when I have mentioned sex on other bereavement threads people get their knickers in a twist over me saying sex. But we always had an active sex life.

Once he started palliative chemo he had the 2 side effects he didn't want he lost his sense of taste and he loved food he could eat what he liked and never put weight on. And he became impotent. Still remember him crying in my arms saying he was dieing and couldn't make love to me told him it didn't matter. But to him he didn't feel like a man .

My husband didn't buy me flowers often and I used to joke if he brought me flowers I know he was having an affair. But buying me the odd flowers which was always a beautiful bunch meant more than me than any special day.

His last flowers he brought me he got our son to fetch as he was to ill and couldn't do it. But told him what to buy . He managed to write the card himself. I kept that card from November 2003 until I moved here in 2019 and let it go .

Before he started the chemo we went on a romantic dinner and he brought me a single red rose. I am a member of a group who do several things but we had cuppa and chat first Monday in the month at a local independent bakery and it just so happened it was the 2 nd which would have been my husband's 69th. The table was decorated for valentine's day and the cakes valentine theme. But what meant so much to me the shop manager who is also a member of this group has a friend who is a florist and she donated 20 single roses 🌹 one for each of us. Having that rose on what would have been my husband's birthday meant a lot to me . We are a huggy bunch and I told her what it meant to me .

My husband was 47 when he died . Been 22 years without him but moving here meant I finally could live my life to full. Like he wanted me to .

Regularly posters know my story.

Remember we are the lucky ones we found the other half of ourselves and they found us. If we didn't love them we wouldn't grieve . Grief is the heavy price for such love . I lost half of myself when my husband took his last breath but he had to die to be free from pain and he hated being weak. Haven't been whole since but because of him and the rage and anger I feel over him dieing gets me through everyday. We have to use what we need to face each day without the other half of ourselves. This is my way . He was my one and only my one true love .

Lovely post - thank you for this.

BlueSapphire

I still get my late DH a card on Valentine's Day; but this year my DS turned up on the doorstep with a big bunch of roses for me. I shed a few tears. It's been 8 years now.
I kept the last Valentine's card that DH gave me and get it out every year.

What a lovely son you have. As I said upthread, we never did Valentine’s Day but birthdays and wedding anniversary were special and I cherish especially those friends who send me a message on those dates and my DD who of course is without her DF. I’m lucky that
she lives near me so we usually spend time together on those dates.

Kate1949

Personally I would never discuss Valentine's gifts or cards in front of people who have lost their partners. It's extremely insensitive. Not that we celebrate it. We don't.

I agree
It seems very immature of these women to behave like adolescent girls “sharing” their Valentines gifts or cards and just so insensitive.
8 years for me Luckygirl
Fortunately I didn’t give it a thought this year, other concerns on my mind ☹️
for you

I still get my late DH a card on Valentine's Day; but this year my DS turned up on the doorstep with a big bunch of roses for me. I shed a few tears. It's been 8 years now.
I kept the last Valentine's card that DH gave me and get it out every year.

Whiff
‘Do not be grudge your family and friends their love and happiness. It says more about you than them if you are jealous and want them to stop showing effection.’

This is incredibly harsh Just because Valentines Day hits someone hard does NOT mean they begrudge family and friends their love and happiness or are jealous. It’s a really cruel thing to say. Really cruel. If you can’t be supportive on a bereavement thread you should just not come on one.

Personally I would never discuss Valentine's gifts or cards in front of people who have lost their partners. It's extremely insensitive. Not that we celebrate it. We don't.

Until it happens to you don't know what bone crushing grief for your spouse or partner is like . I was 45 what did I know about grief.

How you feel half of you is missing , going from a couple to single in a blink of an I .. Learning how to do everything yourself . Remembering not to set an extra place at the table

Family and friends who still have there other halves I love seeing they still have eachother. Love seeing the affection they have towards eachother. Loved seeing my parents still holding hands as they walked along. Why shouldn't people show how much they love the other halves in front of you .

I would hate any of my family and friends suffer bone crushing grief.

Do not be grudge your family and friends their love and happiness. It says more about you than them if you are jealous and want them to stop showing effection.

Been 22 years since my husband died but I am happy when I see people showing they love eachother.

Just be grateful you found the other half of yourself. Some people live their whole life and never know that love and completeness. We are the lucky ones . If we didn't love like that then we wouldn't grieve.

It is so upsetting to realise that some people that we are friends with seem to have very little empathy or compassion when it comes to what they put out there, knowing that some have lost their loved ones.
It's not hard to think surely?
Hugs & Luckygirl x

Luckygirl once we got married in 1981 we decided not to bother with valentine's day. Before that we never made a big thing of it. I suppose because I wasn't brought up with money and my parents never bothered with as it was a waste of money .

My husband could be a old softy at times and said being with me was the best thing that happened to him so he didn't need a special day to show me he loved me . Don't get me wrong our 29 years together and married 22 wasn't all roses and romance . We where both stubborn and had a temper . So we did argue but about stupid things never anything important. I used to think he picked a fight for make up sex. If you knew my husband you would know what I mean . And yes I know when I have mentioned sex on other bereavement threads people get their knickers in a twist over me saying sex. But we always had an active sex life.

Once he started palliative chemo he had the 2 side effects he didn't want he lost his sense of taste and he loved food he could eat what he liked and never put weight on. And he became impotent. Still remember him crying in my arms saying he was dieing and couldn't make love to me told him it didn't matter. But to him he didn't feel like a man .

My husband didn't buy me flowers often and I used to joke if he brought me flowers I know he was having an affair. But buying me the odd flowers which was always a beautiful bunch meant more than me than any special day.

His last flowers he brought me he got our son to fetch as he was to ill and couldn't do it. But told him what to buy . He managed to write the card himself. I kept that card from November 2003 until I moved here in 2019 and let it go .

Before he started the chemo we went on a romantic dinner and he brought me a single red rose. I am a member of a group who do several things but we had cuppa and chat first Monday in the month at a local independent bakery and it just so happened it was the 2 nd which would have been my husband's 69th. The table was decorated for valentine's day and the cakes valentine theme. But what meant so much to me the shop manager who is also a member of this group has a friend who is a florist and she donated 20 single roses 🌹 one for each of us. Having that rose on what would have been my husband's birthday meant a lot to me . We are a huggy bunch and I told her what it meant to me .

My husband was 47 when he died . Been 22 years without him but moving here meant I finally could live my life to full. Like he wanted me to .

Regularly posters know my story.

Remember we are the lucky ones we found the other half of ourselves and they found us. If we didn't love them we wouldn't grieve . Grief is the heavy price for such love . I lost half of myself when my husband took his last breath but he had to die to be free from pain and he hated being weak. Haven't been whole since but because of him and the rage and anger I feel over him dieing gets me through everyday. We have to use what we need to face each day without the other half of ourselves. This is my way . He was my one and only my one true love .

I am with you, Luckygirl. I miss being first with someone - the cards and flowers were just the tangible evidence of this.

We never ‘did’ Valentines Day either but I’ve just had in quick succession our wedding anniversary and his birthday. And they were both still hard. I’m sorry that today’s been so hard for you and I must admit I feel quite judgey about the friends in your group not considering the three of you who no longer have your husbands (can’t use the w word🥲)

All good advice. Thank you.
It is weird how some things hit you in the guts now and again and others wash by.

I have a lovely DH and very happy together but we don’t bother with Valentine’s Day any longer but make sure we are together tonight and cook a special meal just the two of us ❤️ it must be so hard I would buy yourself some flowers and your favourite chocs and reflect on happy times together and stay off the what’s app.