Trying to get through prolonged/complicate d grief

I adored my father but when he died, I never shed a tear for him and never have since. I don’t know why. He was my rock growing up as I had a difficult relationship with my mother, but I always felt that somehow, wherever he was, he was okay and from then on, so was I.

When DH, the great love of my life, died four years ago I was pretty dry eyed then too and felt I was somehow letting him down because there was no great outpouring of grief, but I think you’ll find that in its own good time you will experience it - just not when you expect it, because by and large, it doesn’t happen like that. Please beat yourself up. You loved him - still love him - and he loved you. Take comfort in that. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves time and space.

I agree with Whiff when she says dont go to therapy right now.

Grief is a strange thing. My dh died 8 years ago and I have never cried. We mourn in our own way and I sometimes think if we don't do it in the expected stages we think we are doing it "wrong" It could be you are mourning in your own way, you know how much you loved him and how you miss him and that is your way of grieving

Melanie, Im very soŕry for your loss. Could you tell me what you mean by "mourning"?

Would you like to share the circumstances of his death? Its fine not to.

MelanieWB when my husband died the grief was instant.

I helped my mom look after my dad until he died but didn't cry. Looking after mom sorting out finances,funeral etc had no time. My brother worked full time and as I had already dealt was everything to do with my husband . Plus I had my mother in law to look after.

I didn't cry until dad's funeral my daughter had written an eulogy about things they did with granddad. I looked at my dad's coffin and my heart broke all I could think was the coffin was to big for him . But I didn't cry again and haven't since over my dad dieing this was 2007 ,3 years after my husband died.

My dad hated his body he used to hit his chest and say this isn't me . He had wanted to die year before he did but he said mom wasn't ready to let go . I cried when he was alive . I was born disabled and up to 2 days before my dad died he still blamed himself for me . He always thought because he had Dengue fever during WW2 it had caused me to be born disabled. But I told it wasn't as my brother is only 16 months younger than me and he is able bodied.

Grief has no time limit and one day it will hit you out of the blue but don't fight it when it does. What would your dad say to you ? Deep down you know he wouldn't want you hurting . Instead of worrying you haven't cried think of the funny ,silly things he did that will make you laugh.

Would your dad want you to grieve for him bet he wouldn't. My dad was 80 when he died ..How old was your dad ? Do you still have your mom ? If so how is she coping ?

I don't believe in counselling and you say you still can't open up . So don't see the point of you going .

Instead talk out loud to your dad everyday. I have done that since my husband died I have shouted at him for dieing and leaving me ,swore at him,blamed him for things some stupid things like not being able to open a bottle . Thrown pillows about and screamed . But I always see him then with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better now and I do.

I have no idea if any of this has helped you . But don't beat yourself up because you can't grieve . Would your dad want you to ?

Would appreciate any advice on how to begin mourning. Many thanks.