Bereavement counselling

Anyone can call themselves a counsellor or a therapist, but there are qualifications which can and should be obtained.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a register of accredited members. It tends to use the two terms interchangeably, though if you read all the small print you can see the different types of therapy and a list of members and their qualifications and specialisms.
Other organisations are available.

Susieq62

Try therapy not counselling! It can be more effective sometimes

What is the difference between therapy and counselling?

I attended a bereavement support group once, but it wasn’t for me. Then I found a wonderful therapist who was perfect for me. I think I saw her for about six weeks, starting about 15 months after my husband died.
We are all individuals and every relationship is unique. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or to react. For me, finding positives is my way eg doing things I couldn’t do previously.

Try therapy not counselling! It can be more effective sometimes

I’ve had both group and individual bereavement counselling sessions. The group sessions were much better for me. I benefitted from being able to see how I was coping compared to others and we were helpful to each other with suggestions and encouragement. The individual sessions comprised of too many long silences, delving into very personal issues and too much reflection questions for me at that time which was around 4 months following the death of my husband.

I have. I had a great counselor. Like most things, much is dependent on the individual and counselor being a good fit. The right counselor for you may be very helpful in terms of finding strategies to cope during the times you’re feeling the deepest sense of hopelessness. Life isn’t one size fits all. Therapy isn’t one size fits all. Another person’s experience shouldn’t discourage you from trying if that is what you wish to do. We’re all different. You may be surprised at how therapeutic it is to get things off your chest in a confidential setting to someone who has no personal connections with you.

I’m afraid my experience of bereavement group counselling was the same as SaxonGrace. It just felt like being pulled into a maelstrom of other people’s despair. I think one to one counselling is probably better though I haven’t been down that road.

My friend's husband committed suicide in a horrible way and she didn't even last more than one appointment. She told the counsellor you didn't know John, so there's no point talking to you about him. I'm better off talking to my friends, who knew him. Her youngest was only 5 at the time. Just awful. We're still friends after 36 years. We met when our youngest started in the nursery at their school.

My husband died 34 years ago, my health visitor at the time recommended Cruse, apart from one other lady, we obviously much younger than all the other widows, I lasted three meetings, all those tears and misery and I went home feeling so much worse , I didn’t expect a magic bullet but it really was no help, I hope bereavement counselling has improved since those days, but I would say it’s certainly worth a try.

I personally have not had any but son in law did when daughter died and he found it helpful.

It does'nt change anything and it makes you feel worse keep going over it. But you never get over it.

I had bereavement counselling a few years ago, The thing I think was most helpful was being able to talk to a complete stranger, I know that seems a bit strange, but as I didn't know them it didn't matter if they judged me or not.

I don't regret it, but cousselors are there just to listen.
I think it depressed more, crying my eyes out every week, going over and over every detail of the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

At the time, I found it helpful. But looking back I really regret it. I didn't know what else to do. It was a thing that you did after losing someone, so I did it.
But I found it helped keep me in that sad, helpless, overwhelmed state by focussing on the loss. You will do that anyway, you need a signpost to the way forward.
I wish I had had a counsellor who pointed the ways forward, not one who encouraged me in diving deeper into the loss.

I work as a bereavement counsellor. People who tend to benefit most, often have something in the past that stops them moving through the grief process normally - an earlier unprocessed loss, or an ambivalent relationship with the deceased, perhaps. If it's been 6-9 months since your loss - more if the loss was of a child - and you're still frequently being overwhelmed, then counselling might be a great help.
We deal with bereavement so badly in this day and age - we expect to be "over" it far too soon. Our grandmothers would have worn black for at least a year, to signify a loss that is still tender. Sometimes the counselling room can feel the only place where it is appropriate to cry, as neighbours and friends have stopped asking how you are. Please be gentle with yourself, and do seek counselling if needs be.

Nearly two years in, I see my grief in therapist weekly. It’s safe space to fall apart in tears or rant in sheer anger, somewhere to discuss my fears and hopes, failures and successes. I don’t have any family either on my side or my husbands left. Friends tell me I should be beyond grief etc etc.
So yes, for me therapy is a sanity saver and he’s helped me keep moving forward. It’s not for everyone as everyone and their circumstances are different and it might even take several ‘interviews’ with therapists before you find one that you feel comfortable with.
There’s no right or wrong way to deal with bereavement, it’s a very individual path to tread.

My husband died in our local Hospice ten years ago and I was invited to join a bereavement group. I was very reluctant at first but it was marvellous - we were all at the same stage of grief so had proper understanding of each others' feelings. Five of us are still good friends - in fact one of our group is getting married next month and the rest of us are going to he wedding. Other people can tell you they know how you feel but my feelings of ten years ago aren't as relevant to someone who has just lost their partner or child as the feelings of someone at a similar stage of loss. I can heartily recommend a group rather than one to one as it helped me to feel less alone.

Many thanks for your sympathies very much appreciated. May I offer my condolences on your very sad loss.

Thank you all for your advice. My son died last year and I think it is now really sunk in.
MissAdventure I did read and comment on the lovely thread you mentioned.
Mistyeyes11 I am sorry for your very recent loss and sympathies to everyone else who is bereaved.

Thankyou for your advice, i will try continuing bonds in grief, as right now its like a living nightmare, i desperately want him back. A life well remembered lives on ,hence the reason all what im doing pictures etc. I could look at his pictures for hours i never get tired od them. I have larger wallmounted ones either side of ourbed so whichever way i lay i can see him smiling down on me, its a great comfort during the night as i dont sleep well. Many thanks for your advice .

MysteryeyesII my situation is similar to yours. Met Dh when I was 16 and were together 57 years. We did everything together. Went everywhere together. Held hands always. Being together all the time was what we both wanted.

It will be two years next week since he died. How I got through those first few months I will never know. I screamed and wailed and cried myself silly (but only when I was on my own). I had to keep going for our family and so I kept a lot of what I was feeling to myself.

People told me it would get easier as time went on but I didn’t believe them as I couldn’t see how it would. Maybe for others but not for me. I wasn’t living I was just existing. I certainly didn’t want to live this life without him.

I made myself join things and meet people. I have made some wonderful friends who get me through and our lovely family always there. No one can help with the constant sadness, loss and loneliness. I think I will feel that forever. I miss him every second of the day and think of my darling man no matter what I’m doing he is always in my mind.

I can laugh, enjoy things and be interested in things again. It will get easier I promise you. The grief and pain will never stop I don’t think but you can live with those feelings.

As for counselling I had some and it did help although I agree with those who said it depends on the counsellor. If one doesn’t fit try another.

Two things I would suggest you try is researching “Continuing bonds in grief” which I found helpful though others might not. Also the Sue Ryder online bereavement forum where you will find many at the same stage of grief as you and the support you can give each other really helps.
Wishing you well

I hope a lady here called whiff may come and speak to you.
She feels exactly the same as you do, except her husband died quite a way back
She is such a kind lady.

Thankyou so much for your kind words, he was my world .I loved him so deeply it feels like my heart as been ripped out of me and trampled on. Many. thanks for your condolences

Mysteyes11. I cannot help or live your grief, I can only send my deepest sympathy to you. Your pain must be immense - great grief is the price we pay for great love.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I found it helpful in that I was able to tell the story of my loss (not husband) without interruption. It was a story that I’d never really told as nobody wanted to listen or could possibly understand. It was a relief to tell the story and to discuss the guilt I had carried with me for years.