Two years and still heartbroken

You never get over a loss you just learn to live with it .My oldest daughter died as a baby 49 years ago yesterday ,
I don’t consciously think about it but in the lead up to the day my mood changes every single year .
Subconsciously I grieve before I realise why.
It’s the price we pay for love,amd I wouldn,t have traded the short time we had her for even for these long years of tears.
I remember her every day and always will

😥😥😥 FGT

How does one get through the dreary solitary evenings? It feels like days ago since I had my dinner and being in Scotland it’s only just got dark. I’m not an early-to-bed person but I’ve run out of things to do. Well, I haven’t, there’s loads to do so I should say I’ve run out of things I want to do. I’m not sleeping well either so there’s not much comfort in going to bed. I’m well used to Dh working away from home but I always had children around me so was busy - this is a different kettle of fish altogether.

I too hate the new normal Doodle. I yearn for my old life back with my darling man. When he was strong and well. However - it is what it is - and I know I can’t ever have him beside me again, loving me and making me laugh. I feel physically sick at times or even get a fleeting panicky moment when a wave of grief reminds me once again that I won’t ever see him again.

It hurts like hell.

I feel for you Doodle especially today on this sad anniversary.

I remember you losing your dear girl. Merlot and it was scarcely credible that your poor Dh died so soon afterwards. Life is cruel at times.

merlotgran, thank you 💐

DD1 died seven years ago today and I don’t know how I would have got through it without DH but then I lost him less than two years later. I too felt overwhelmed and was convinced that the rest of my life would just be something I had to trudge through.
For me there was a milestone with a four year mark on it. The weight on my shoulders lifted slightly and I felt more in control and more hopeful.
If only we had a magic wand that would wave away the depth of grief we have to wade through first but maybe that’s what makes us stronger.

💐for Doodle. SueDonim and others who are feeling the sorrow of loss right now.

Thank you, Maw. I’m nodding along to some of those points and to the ‘what can’t be cured’ mantra. I do still have moments of joy - who can resist the face of an endearing 4yo grandchild at their side, or a cat having the zoomies or a beautiful flower in the garden? It’s all tinged, though, with ‘Dh should be here to see this, too - he’s missing out on so much,’ though I know life goes on.

I’ve had some heartfelt messages from people who’d also lost their spouses and was taken aback at how poignant their letters were. On the face of it, they’re ’over it’ and life has resumed but they’ve clearly got an enduring sadness within them. GN has been so good at highlighting this - I’d never have known so many people feel the same way and that it’s not unusual. It’s got a stigma about it, I suppose, which is why we never seem to read about this aspect of death.

Hello doodle, thank you for your post. My husband died in October 2022 after a devastating and unexpected diagnosis. On reflection, for me the second year was in many ways more of a challenge than the first. I was less raw and like you, working to. Uild the best life I could, without him. I missed him and that stays with me. The fun, laughter, love, shared memories of a life well shared.
I didn’t want this new life much as I gave it my best, I wanted my old life back
I thought I knew and understood something of grief, I knew so little about the loss of a much loved life partner
I hope I’m not sounding miserable. I even have times when I feel happy now. I appreciated your comparison with the new normal
Take care of yourself xx

Doodle I am so sorry you feel this way. You were such a wonderful help on the Black Dog thread and so kind to everyone with problems.

I am pleased you are keeping busy and have made kind friends.

Oh Suedonim - like many others upthread I would add six weeks is nothing when contemplating the rest of your life.
My apologies if that’s not what you want to hear, but my experience is that it gets worse not before it gets better but before you somehow find the strength and ability to contemplate the future on your own
You don’t want a new life, you want the old one back, but in my bleaker moments I can now accept that this is IT, this is the rest of my life. And what can’t be cured must be endured.
You WILL find joy in the small things again and somehow overcome the guilt that you have actually smiled again.
Trust me- nothing makes it better, but you will cope with losing part of yourself. It is like losing an arm or a leg
Like an amputee you will eventually find you can limp or lean on a crutch. The limb will never grow back but like the Invictus amputees you will find a way to compensate.
I hope the attached is legible and realistic, not depressing.

Doodle.

I’m almost six weeks down this widowhood road and tbh, I don’t see an end to it. How can it ever end, it’s just not possible. Life will never be right again, just different. I also have the burden of knowing that my Dh should not have died, his was a ‘wrongful death’ and the anger overwhelms me at times that it shouldn’t be this way, he should still be here. I’ve never liked roller coasters but I don’t know how to get off this particular one.

Doodle I hope you can find comfort in knowing your love for each other will never but also the grief. If you didn't love them you would not grieve. You both found the other half of yourselves and that is something to cherish. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. The only person who knew the real you and you them.

I can't say the grief will get easier it won't that's my experience. My grief after 22 years has only gotten worse as my husband was 47 I was 45. My husband has missed so much . He would have been 69 this year.

I call early grief the first 10 years as this my own experience. I remember well when you first posted Mr D had died.
The moment your spouse or partner dies half if you dies to. You are suddenly classed as single. But to me that's wrong I am still a couple my husband lives on in my heart and mind . As yours and everyones does. I am still married and still Mrs.

Doodle there is no such thing as normal. We and our lives are all unquie . Talking to Mr D is what I have been doing to Mr W for the last 22 years.

But I have shouted at him this shouldn't be my life,I have swore at him for dieing and leaving me alone. But he had to die he couldn't live and I had to tell him to stop struggling we would be OK. He died few minutes later. But there is never an okay.

You are doing better than me I only have 2 photos of Mr W out our wedding photo and my favourite one of him . I can't bear to look at anymore. Saturday would have been our 45th wedding anniversary but I couldn't look at our wedding album. But I wasn't sad I remember all the things that went wrong that day and it made me laugh.

Posting on this forum shows how strong you all are. You can exactly how you feel and be understood, cared about ,no judgement passed especially when I say I shout and swear at my husband. Don't know if any of you have done that but I have felt better afterwards and see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now and I do .

Some of you will have videos of your spouse or partner I have gone any but I am glad because I know it would tear me apart seeing him and hearing him. But for you it may give you comfort there is no right or wrong way to grieve but your way.

Grieve in away that is best for you . People who don't love and therefore don't grieve don't understand you can't switch it off. Bone crushing grief can hit you out of the blue. But for me and many ,love like we had is worth every tear. Love doesn't make the world go round .

But for me my love for my husband makes mine go round . Because of him I face whatever life throws at me.

And I and sure Doodle and everyone else it gets you through everyday.

As usual I never know if my rambles help or but I know it helps me . 🫂 to you all.

I think 2 years is normal to start ‘getting used to it’.
I don’t think you ever get over it, but you learn to live with it.
Sending you a big hug.

🩷🩷

It takes a long time to really accept it. I have never 'got over it' but can now enjoy my life more and remember without that empty feeling that I had for a long time.
Even now I sometimes notice the empty chair and that cold other side of the bed. I always will now and I don't want to forget.
I'm sorry you are going through this Doodle. There is no way to not feel as you do. He will always be with you. They never go away.

It is so good Doodle that you have kind friends, clubs to go to and a supportive church. Whilst you may not feel that you are moving on it is wonderful to hear you say that you are coping. Loving memories are indeed priceless. Wishing you happier days ahead.

I can feel your pain coming through your post.
I can only say I hope you find peace and comfort soon.

What a moving post...thinking of you.
No, it will never be "normal" in the way you were used to.
Grief is the price of love - and love is priceless.