Grandparents and childcare

Oh dear, I must be really selfish. I am always there when the children need me to babysit, have children overnight or for the day but I am afraid I really relish and cherish my freedom now that my own children have flown. I adore my 9 GC and get so much pleasure from them but won't give up my freedom. I do admire those who can and do. My sister does same for two of her grandchildren as the mother left them and her son is working. she does the school runs and has them in the holidays. Its very tiring for her as she is not in full health herself.

I am a very loving granny and my grandchildren love me. I suppose I am lucky in the fact that my DD and DIL's all were stay at home mums. I still don't know if I would have given up my well earned freedom after years of working in a challenging profession to look after the children full time or even for a couple of days a week.

God, I sound awful reading this but I know I am not.

I look after my GS 2 days per week and have done since he was 1 at Christmas. I look after him at my DD's house which is 30 miles away. This makes the days very long-I leave at 7.30 am and often don't get home until 7 pm. My DD works 2.5 days per week and her partner looks after the baby on the .5 day.
I do really enjoy looking after him but it is a big commitment there is no doubt and I often come home exhausted. My DD pays me expenses plus a little extra which is a big help (but I did retire from my paid job to help her!)
I do get a bit lonely there as I don't know anyone in the area-I do intend to try to join a few groups once spring arrives so that I can make contact with some other people so maybe things will improve in that area.
Having said all that, it is a joy to be so close to my GS and to get cuddles from him when he sees me. Also today he took his first steps while I was there which was a shame for my DD but great for me!
By contrast my DS has a daughter who has been in daycare since she was 1 year old. However they live in NZ where they have subsidised daycare of a high standard.
i stayed at home with my own children and they turned out well, however it is debatable which is best for a child- to be looked after at home with a family member or parents or to attend childcare (which can make a child resilient and sociable.

You must do it Dresden if needed and do believe anyone would if it is for the sake of the children. I know several Gparents who provide full time care and do a good job of it.

My GS is convinced he has 4 parents but only one mummy and daddy.

We have said we will look after DGC full time if necessary, if and when DS and DIL move back to UK. We agreed to make this commitment until the youngest is school age. DGD will start school in September and she will be reasonably easy. However, DGS is only 23 months and may have special needs so there might be a few problems ahead.

We will be grateful to be part of their lives after being able to see them only once or twice a year. I know it will mean a lot of work and having to put our lives on hold for a couple of years, but I'm sure it will be worthwhile to get to know them properly and also to help DS and DIL to make a life in UK for the family.

We look after our 2 grandchildren full time and are well into our fourth year. Otherwise their divorced parents would not be able to carry on in the Royal Navy. Not quite the retirement we planned but we have grown so close to the children now 6 and nearly 8. We love them dearly but would just like more energy and 'fast freeze button' to use on them at times.

Much as I would love too, there is no way I could look after my 20/12 DGD. She is very active and I can't chase after her or get on the floor to change a very wriggly(bless her) child's nappy! Well I could get down, but, don't think I could get up again.
I am very unhappy about the fact that I can't help.

We looked after our granddaughter 4 days a week for a year and appreciated the opportunity to do so (though we miss her terribly now that her parents have moved). We are still happy to help whenever asked.

However, the fact remains that not all grandparents are available to look after their grandchildren and not all wish to (and that should be their right). The problem is that there is so little affordable and good quality childcare that often people do not have a choice but to help out, even when their health is poor or they find it exhausting.

I think the percentage of children being looked after by grandparents is very high - something like 60%. Successive governments have completely ignored their contribution, and employers (who benefit from this free child care) are quite happy to sit back and ignore the situation. To add insult to injury, pensioners are increasingly being portrayed as being a drain on society.

My DH and I have taken on the lion's share of the childcare ever since mour daughter was left on her own with two tots. We were happy to be on hand to do this, but we both went part time in order to manage it and so now we are retired we have to acknowledge that it has affected our income and pensions to some extent. It would make economic sense for some kind of credit or tax break to go to caring grandparents, seeing as they are bearing the social costs of family childcare.

Hi

I was wondering if anyone could help me. I am looking to talk to a Scottish grandparent who babysits for their grandchildren while the parents are at work- just to talk about how they feel about it, why they do it and how the burden of childcare is increasingly falling on grandparents etc.

It is for an article I am writing for the Scottish Daily Mail today. Any help anyone could give me would be so appreciated. I am looking to speak to someone by the end of the day- if you send me a message or email me at [email protected] I will give you more details.

Thanks in advance for your help and apologies for interupting this thread

Kind regards
Hannah

I have been involved in caring for all five of my grandchildren since they were small babies.The oldest is now 21 and the youngest is 10.
The two youngest live with me, DH and their parents (DS and his wife).We also have one of DS's daughters from his previous marriage living with us.She is 16.
They dont need so much supervision now but I still collect the 10 year old from school when necessary and look after her and her 12 year old brother in school holidays.
DIL's parents only live a short distance away, they are both retired and active, but have never offered to have any part in the children's care.I just leave it at that,no need to cause trouble.

It is very rewarding wallers5 and very tiring too in equal measures.

Your partner will find it extremely hard if he has never experienced the upheaval that comes with small children. I don't know about you but when ours go home it's like the house is breathing a huge sigh of relief and then the mass clear up begins! There is rarely a room untouched. Wouldn't change it for the world though.

I have friends whose grandchildren live abroad & they feel they really miss out. I look after mine 3 days a week & I do find it rewarding but tiring. Unfortunately my youngest daughter had them just before she was forty, so as I am 70 I find the physical side rather tough. It is very hard to find a balance. As my parnter has never had children, he finds it particularly difficult to have the house turned up-side down & the noise level. In his day it was children to be seen & not heard! So there are pressures.

I look after 4 grandchildren four days a week, dropping the eldest at school and picking him up most days. It is tiring, but rewarding. There is no alternative as good Childcare is very expensive.
I only wish that society in general would acknowledge the part we play in keeping parents in work and stop castigating us as an 'ageing population' and a drain on society

We have looked after our grandchildren full time, 7.30 - 5.40 or later, then part time as they started pre school and school. The before school care, the school run morning and evening and the preschool run 3 days a week then the after school care uses up all the time I envisioned as 'us' time.
Granddad always wanted to do the child care and he really enjoys it, but though I love my grandchildren and like to take them out or have them for sleepovers, caring for them full time was never in my retirement plans.
To get round this I went back to work part time. My share of the daily care, which I love, is the homework routine, the chance to teach them reading, writing and maths skills and practise tables, spellings or follow their latest interests like dinosaurs, space, science experiments etc. That means that when they go home they can have talk time or play time with Mum and Dad.
Like Nannymoocow, I think it's sad that my children and their partners have to work full time to pay the mortgage. Childcare on top of that would be crippling.

I looked after my grandson 5 days a week from the age of 6months when my daughter had to go back to work. It meant giving up work, but as I had just had knee replacements I was only working part time anyway and the nursery fees would have been crippling. Since he's been at school I've only had him for a couple of hours after school and at the moment my daughter is at home with the new baby so I am just taking him to school in the mornings for her. I hope I shall be looking after the new baby for her, although it may become difficult if my husband relapses and needs more chemo. It has been easier because my Mother in Law is in a home as I don't think I could have looked after her as well. This must be a problem for a lot of people - trying to cope with grandchildren and elderly parents, and as everyone is saying, how is working till 70 going to fit in? I was able to retire at 60 - in future this will not be possible.

I have looked after my oldest grandson from 6 months to starting school and now look after his brother. I gave up one of my days at work to help out my daughter and have enjoyed having them. Like many others, my daughter and SIL cannot afford the childcare costs for full time care. I now work part-time 4 days a week and have my grandson for one day. Recently with the bad weather I have stepped in to look after the boys to save my daughter taking days off work which she would not have been paid for.

I think it is sad that todays parents do not seem to have a choice like we did. They have to work to pay their mortgage and this puts pressure on them which can affect the family.

I did not have my parents nearby when my girls were growing up and would have loved to have support with childcare. I know my daughter appreciates my help and does not take me for granted. Good old grandparents!!

It's all so very confusing AnneMaria isn't it? To be honest I don't think there is a "one size fits all" answer. We all do things differently. I love doing things the way I do and it fits in well with my other (many) commitments too. The day I see having my grandchildren as a burden will be the day I throw the towel in !

I have two GC and a third on the way. We look after GS on Tuesdays (my DD works four days a week, he comes to us for one day and nursery for the remaining three days). We have had him since he was nine months' old and, to be honest, it is one of the highlights of our week. We try to do things with him that his parents can't do - so, as he loves buses, this week we took him into town on the bus, had a coffee and then came home again (thank you for my bus pass). In the summer we took him to the beach, I bake with him - oh, all sorts. He stays over occasionally, especially now that he is going to have a brother or a sister in May - practice for when DD goes into hospital.

My GD will be coming to us for one day a week when my DIL returns back to work after maternity leave - she is hoping to cut back to two days a week, and we will have GD for one day and her own mother will have her the other.

Childcare is very expensive and it pleases me that we are saving my daughter £50 a week, but, really, we do it because it gives us so much pleasure.

I only ever had one grandparent, although my DH was blessed with a full set - but my Grandad was very special to me, even though he lived at the other end of the country. My DH is very hand-on with the GC, more than he was when our own children were toddlers - he was away such a lot at that time.

I count myself very fortunate that both my children live within fifteen minutes of us.

I only had one grandparent and although we saw her regularly she didn't live close so didn't have that option. Neitehr my own parents or in-laws didn't do the looking after my children while I worked thing either. I work full time so don't do it either but I like my two gs to stay when I am available such as holidays and weekends. It's such a shame that people are given so many messages as in children need grandparents, children need education and nursery gives the right structure, grandparents should help out more, grandparents should be having it easy now and enjoying themselves, grandparents shouldn't be burdened, grandparents should want to help out. Which is it? It's very confusing and I totally agree that everyone should do what is comfortable and works for them without either side feeling that they have to compete against the rest of the world.

Gorki I was very lucky to have fantastic hands on grandparents when I was a child. My grandma was my absolute best friend and probably still is. (she is 97 this year).

AnneMarie In my family things have gone around full circle. My grandparents looked after my sister and I when we were small. My mum and dad did very little to help me with childcare and I can count on one hand the amount of times they babysat. I care for my grandchildren as much as I can (I still work too) and I have a lot to live up to with my own grandma.

In answer to your question I think many families have a bit of both. Family childcare for a couple of days complimented by a few days of professional (paid for) care.

At one point there were a lot of discussions around the break up of families and lack of extended family contact. Isolation and distance have often been cited as reasons for petty crime, disorder, aggressive behaviour and many other things. It's interesting that now there is a marked return to involving other family members in the care of children it's back in the spotlight.

So, I'm confused. Does society want childcare to stay within the family or does it expect it to be paid for and carried out in a professional setting?

DD and family had to relocate and could have gone anywhere in the UK but they chose to move 5 mins from DH and I specifically for child care. Children are now nearly 4 and 10mths. The youngest has SN. DD is looking for F/T so I will be child minding 5 days a week.
I would be happier if she worked P/T or other grandparents could help but that's not possible.
My mum had mine when they were preschool but I only worked 4 hrs a day term time only.
Fortunately DH is very hands on. I don't think I could cope F/T alone.

gillybob ,how interesting. I shall think of you next time I am doing the school run on a Monday afternoon.As you say, it is much easier to keep them overnight and ours have their own rooms,toys and clothes with us as well.

I think I enjoy being a grandparent so much as I did not have that experience myself as a child. My maternal grandparents died in their fifties before I was born and my other grandfather was killed in WW1. My remaining grandmother lived hundreds of miles away and I only saw her 3 times before she died when I was 10.I didn't realise as a child what I had missed and so I am determined to be as involved as I can.

When my grandchildren were small enough to need care I was working full time so didn't do the caring role, now the youngest is 8 and I am retired they are beyond the age of needing us to care for them on a daily basis. My son who is expecting his first child in June (a late starter lol) lives abroad so apart from visiting I don't think I will be involved in caring for any of his children . I have always had the children over for sleepovers since they were small at weekends and we've shared many holidays but as for daily care duties I've never been in the position to offer and I actually don't think I would of anyway.. I enjoy the freedom to have them as when I choose and my daughters have managed their own childcare whenever its been necessary of course we've stepped in when there has been an emergency or for the odd day here and their but I've been happy not to be called on for regular child care .

I live with my DD and SIL and so the full time carer for two of my grandchildren 4 & 7.
I have done this since the youngest was 6 months when my DD went back after maternity leave so I have done all the baby toddler groups etc.
MY DD & SIL leave at 7am each morning sometimes the children are still in bed and dont get back some days until 8pm so the children are back in bed.
I feed, clothe, do their laundry and everything else for them, even on a weekend when Mum and Dad are at home its at my bedside where the little one appears "Grandma I'm hungry".
I can get very tired and sometimes feel a bit put on (my own worse enemy)but I have had the opportunity to be such a big part of their childhood and really I love it ...................but dont tell DD.