My husband and Asperger's

Nobody should have to stay married if they are unhappy, for whatever reason Jen, although I understand your point.

One of the hardest things is the unwillingness of the person to get help. Luckily our SiL was such a place where even he realised he needed help & it helped that he was working with Uni students with a whole range of learning disability. Two other of her old friends had husbands, one with ADHD & one with depression & in the end they couldn't stand it any longer. I do think these conditions are different from physical illness because of (even with medication etc) the 'blaming of others', ranting, swings in mood, inability to control anger, & in the case of ADHD, poor working memory, inability to prioritise etc. Often people with one condition have others like dyslexia too. Another very difficult feature with ADHD is that there is sometimes an addiction to sex & use of porn internet sites, never mind the impulsive high risk-taking behaviour. It's all very well people saying you have to remember it is the condition not the person acting but it's more complex than that & very hard to remember when you are the one always at the receiving end. It is said that there is an evolutionary reason why these characteristics have not been weeded out. We actually need these very creative people who take risks when new frontiers have to be crossed - in the past to find new lands, in war to go where others fear, & today to find new solutions to problems, especially in this internet & technological age. Many recent inventions, eg QR codes, are the result of the differently wired brains of ADDErs & similar.
I'm beginning to sound like my SiL so farewell!

Very well put Gadabout. Don't go.
Jen its quite right to be considerate and accepting of the restrictions that any illness brings, but where does ADHD lie on the scale of other neurological problems, particularly those where there is risk of harm to others? Do we accept and live with those people because they are ill? Where is the line drawn? If someone's condition destroys the emotional life and confidence of their partner or other family member, then surely a charge of unreasonable behaviour is valid. I put my life at risk every time I sat in the passenger seat of my H's car - he refused to accept that speed restrictions or highway rules applied to him. When he almost mowed down a man and child on a zebra crossing, his response to my shriek was, "well they should look where they're going".

On a lighter, very trivial note, my H & I were at the same event this evening and someone commented that I still look the same even though he hadn't seen me for seven years (flatterer but I liked it!). My H said, "well don't turn the lighting up", then looked around smilingly to receive his audience's laughter. The room went quiet and it was only me who laughed.

I'm a big fan of Sue's and have read all her novels. My favourite is But I Told You I Loved You Last Year which features an Aspergers husband. Like Sue's blog, the story is amusing and extremely insightful about the problems of living and loving someone with this problem. It's a great read even if you aren't particularly curious about Aspergers... I'd heartily recommend it as well as Sue's other novels.

Specki, I've sat in a car when my husband has been having a hypo and gone round a roundabout a few times before deciding to go off at the wrong junction. No fun, is it? But I've also been with him, with two young children, begging people to help and being ignored because they thought he was drunk.
Are you sure the "Well, don't turn the light up" is anything to do with Aspergers? It's the sort of thing my sister's husband would say and he does not have anything wrong apart from being a thoroughly nasty piece of work, and nobody can understand why she's stuck with him.

I know what you mean Jen and of course that is quite a normal thing for a nasty individual to say - but the difference is that he has no idea that his words could hurt..he has absolutely no perception of tact or diplomacy, even when it is seriously required i.e. with little children or old people.

But he displays so many of the other symptoms, so much so that when I first read about the syndrome, it was like reading about him. The clumsiness, the obssessions, the inability to connect meaningfully with others, the strange vocal tics, the odd way of walking; the procrastination; the list is endless so I wont go on. By the way, I don't need to use 'unreasonable behaviour' as proof - I live in a country where you can divorce by mutual consent - that is what we are doing.

Yesterday a visitor who is unaware of our separation (our house is large and we're living separately in it until it is sold) stopped by unannounced. My soon-to-be ex-H searched the house and grounds for me shouting "Are you there! are you there!!" As I said before, he has never once called me by my name in 30 years...don't tell me that that is normal!

Lots of support to Specki. It's qualitatively quite different from someone who is just nasty & as if you are with someone in a parallel universe. It is hard for people who haven't lived daily alongside these conditions to really understand & the lack of understanding exacerbates the problems for people who have them, and their spouses/partners. Google the condition & read what people/partners & spouses say about it if you want to know more or PM me if you want some links if you're interested.

My niece has been diagnosed as aspergers and she is happy that she has a label and support at school. It was not diagnosed until she reached secondary school. At primary she was thought as a selective mute, as she never ever talked to an adult in all her years there. We are all sure that her father has the same condition, but has never been diagnosed. They are both highly intelligent and obsessively focused on anything that they are interested in.
I also think that one of my best friends is on the autistic spectrum. I met her today, four days after my mum died, and she never once mentioned it. Her husband had expressed his sympathy when he saw me, so she did know. She has no idea about personal space and being tactful. Having said that, she has lots of positive attributes and I enjoy her company.

First of all Maureen I am so sorry to hear that your Mum has died & send my love & sympathy . It is perplexing when people don't mention it, even if you understand why.

I'm so pleased your niece has been diagnosed & can now make sense of her condition. You raise the important point that these conditions are often hereditary & that people with them are often highly intelligent & creative so their talents should not be wasted. Diagnosis & a label mean that extra support they need can be accessed right through University/HE. As much as I often wish my daughter had chosen a husband with a less challenging condition there is no doubt he has enriched our lives & widened our understanding.

I keep thinking about JenDurham's post re physical conditions. I suspect that anyone with a physical illness rarely has their diagnosis & label questioned & disbelieved in the same way that people with neuro-diverse conditions do much of the time.

Specki, you have only one life to live and you have spent much of it supporting your husband. You deserve some peace and happiness.
My ex son-in-law exhibited some bizarre behaviour during their courtship, but my daughter was very much in love with him. Once married , he became a control freak - just like the husband in 'Living with the Enemy' -with every symptom of OCD. He could be very charming but one of his old school friends told us he had a reputation as a vicious bully.
He would buy her clothes and lay out each day what she was to wear - always very old-fashioned long skirts and high-necked blouses.
After 14 years and three children together she found some proof that he was gay, although he has never admitted it. We wonder if his inability to come to terms with his sexuality was at the root of his problems.

I have one grandson who is very intelligent and academically gifted, but I recognise so many of the traits of Aspergers which others have described - facial tics, clumsy gait, ruthless honesty and inability to realise how much this hurts people. He has no idea how to relate to women and has never had a serious relationship. He cannot stand any change in his plans. He was diagnosed as dyspraxic and dyslexic but never as having ASD. I am sure he would be very angry if it were suggested. I worry that he will never find a partner.

I have every sympathy with those of you who have had to live with people who find it impossible to 'connect' in a normal way.

You don't have to justify no longer choosing to live with anyone whose behaviour is having a damaging impact on you.

Specki - I do hope you're finding the contributions here supportive. What a range of experience there is on gransnet, and even a bit of wisdom from many.

Jendurham, your point about the issues/commitment involved in caring for someone with a recognised physical health condition is well made. But I agree with Gadabout, that physical health problems are usually diagnosable, and treatable (even if the treatment is palliative). Living with someone with add/asd/ocd presents challenges of a different order. It's hard to distinguish what is personality, and what links to the disorder. What is plain nasty bullying, or the withdrawal of warmth and affection as a means of control, and what is a genuine inability to comprehend why the other partner is so distressed.

MaureenM

Gadabout & Iam thank you for you very kind and comforting support and yes, I agree about this blog being one of the most helpful and interesting ones, with many posts by clearly well-informed people. One can always detect an intelligent post/blog when, amongst other clever gransnetters, you see GreatNan pop up with a wise comment!

MaureenM so sorry about your Mum and your thoughtless friend. When my parents died within six months of each other, I too detected that some people avoided either me, or the subject. I think her response (or lack of it) falls within the bracket of fairly common human behaviour. You clearly enjoy her friendship and that is worth so much.

speckie Power to your elbow here. You have done the right thing!

I could be wrong here but I reckon that, if her husband had a physical condition she would stick by him but the fact that he is perfectly capable of looking after himself [but making her life hell in the meantime] means that she has to walk away for the sake of her own health. Was having a conversation with someone yesterday who said how many of their peer group had men having mid life crises and leaving their wives [age 40-50] and I said I think thats the case but women seem to realise enoughs enough when they get older [maybe when the relationship becomes one more of friendship and companionship?].

Tegan you are quite right, I would and I have - in spades! One of his obsessions is his health and he contrives to make very regular visits to his GP and other health professionals and is thrilled to bits when he gets a prize comes back with a prescription. The medication is then carefully laid out on the dresser in chronological order and woe betide me if it gets moved during dusting.

Specki, why are you still doing his dusting for him if you live in separate parts of the house?
I have lived with my grandson, who is autistic, and know the problems of not listening, not doing what you ask him to do, not being able to understand. He came home from school saying, "I don't care" lots of times then asking me "What does I don't care mean?"
He's 11. You expect people to know when they are 11. It makes you realise how much you take for granted.
He is in a football team, managed by his dad, who gets annoyed when his son just runs up and down keeping to the exact pace of the person he is supposed to be shadowing. He is the fastest kid in his team if he just runs, but does not have any idea of competition. Although he gets really upset every time they lose. whatever he learns in practice his son has usually forgotten by the time the match comes around.
It really hurts me to watch my son trying to change his son, knowing that whatever happens, he is unlikely to change. I want to tell him to give up on the football and concentrate on the running as it would probably make them both feel happier. But I can't say so, because it would be interfering.
I also know what it is like to bring my husband round out of a hypo and know that he does not remember a thing about what has been happening for the previous two or three hours. That has happened twice in my life and it's scary. To have it happen on a regular basis, like once a week as happened with my husband, must be terrifying.

A wonderful, eccentric and annoying friend of ours announced to me in a midnight phone call that he had been reading an article in the Independent and had decided that he had 'caught' Aspergers!!! I informed him that as far as I was concerned he hadn't caught it but had always had it. We loved him to bits but his outlandish remarks sometimes put me out.

eg We had shared a holiday cottage in Scotland, my, then 8 year old, had a very bad bout of tonsulitus. I was in his small room reading a bedtime story when the door was flung open and A stepped in to say goodnight. He made a quick retreat. On the way home from out holiday we all stopped at a 'greasy spoon' for a snack. A sidled up to me and quietly said 'I don't want to upset you but I think your sphincters may have collapsed' 'What?' I said, startled, 'Well' said 'A' 'When I came into say goodnight to the little one last night there was the most dreadful smell and I thought that as you have had 5 children you may have a problem with your sphincter' He was really serious and concerned. I held it in til I reached our car and burst into tears. My DH was shocked when I told him. I did write to A telling him how offended I was by his remarks. He replied a week or so later with a heart rending letter. (The smell, by the way, was my little boy's septic throat)

He was a minister and also had an obsession with stealing irises from any garden he passed. Again at around midnight I received a phone call from a distressed A. He said, Can you help me I have asked for help from Him above but no answer. I said What is the problem. Well, said A, I am standing here in full camaflage outfit with a balaclava and a penlight torch. I was horrified, What are you doing? He replied that earlier that day he was going on his ministerial duties and had seen a beautiful iris in a garden. He couldn't take it as he would normally would. Apparently he pushed gates to see if the squeaked or nipped through the hedge. This one was in the garden of the local constabulary. I tried to disencourage him but he did the deed.

Many more anecdotes of his peculiar behaviour. He sadly died last November, he didn't keep up his radiotherapy treatment as he knew best.

We love him and really miss him.

Why didn't you tell him it was the boy's septic throat? Especially as he wasn't trying to upset you, only to "helpfully" state what he thought was a fact.

My grandson has often said very hurtful things to all the family, and we try to remember that he does not intend them to hurt. He simply has no insight into the way other people feel. When I have said to him, very gently, that I have found his remark hurtful, he has been mortified and very sorry.
JenD - it sounds as if your son has some problem in accepting his son's behaviour. Would it be possible for you to praise the running to the skies in the hope that he gets the message?

That bags, at the time we didn't realise that he had Aspergers, it was only after working with people on the Autistic Spectrum that I realised. I thought he was just being thoughtless and rude. I didn't even think about my son's septic throat until I had arrived home. Now I am much more forgiving and always give people the benefit of the doubt. That was a long time ago and we remained firm friends to the day he died. Comments like "Oh there you are, I was just asking B where his fat wife was" and other similar comments have been answered with a gentle reminder that it is unkind to say these things. He accepted it and we miss him so so much. He a was funny, eccentric, highly intelligent and loving friend, our life was so much richer for him being there.

I know that feeling of not thinking of the right reply to something that takes you aback until it's too late, flowerofw. I've been closely associated with several people on the autistic spectrum and it can be tricky, but as you say, you have to balance the interesting and fun parts with the awkwardnesses

Jen - we share the kitchen which is where the dresser is. Our separation is politely amicable and since we have the house on the market, its important that it's kept spick and span. And I don't dust - I have help, but he classes her as my responsibility. A woman's work ..you know the theme!
My late and unlamented MIL who, I now believe, also fell within this syndrome was the epitome of thoughtlessness. She would loudly proclaim people to be 'common' and 'tarts' and when reprimanded say, "well they need to know". She was obsessed with tidying, her health, religion and sending and receiving cards. She would send cards to people and then be offended if they didn't call her to thank them for the card. So she would then call them and say, "did you get my card" - every day! She counted all the cards she received at Christmas, Easter and on her birthday and telephoned us all every day to tell us the updated tally. She once bought me a cake knife for my birthday and wrote in my card "knife on its way". I am not joking but its making me laugh to recall it!
I'm sorry, I'm trivialising but as Sue Hepworth has confirmed, there are aspects of this syndrome which are sometimes quite hilarious.

He could also be very inappropriate in his sermons and to members of the congregation, that is probably why he was 'sacked' by the Methodist Church.
His congregation, of course, would not have realised it was not his fault.