My husband and Asperger's

Not trivialising, Specki, but sometimes it's easier to remember the funny aspects because otherwise you would cry.
Greatnan, I do praise my grandson's running and so does his dad, but his dad is a football fanatic and has done FA coaching courses. Unfortunately the football matches often coincide with the parkruns which they both do. Football wins.
On Saturday, they both went to the Sunderland/Man Utd. match at Sunderland, having got tickets from the school for the Sunderland end. Sunderland scored first. My son could contain his Man Utd. partisanship. Grandson apparently had tears rolling down his face.
One of the good things about people being statemented or having a label is that more people are coming into contact with people on the autistic spectrum. When my grandson was younger, it was awful going shopping with him because he would always cry if he heard a baby cry, and we had to take him out of the shop. You could see others looking at you as if you were being horrible to him making him howl. When you go shopping with someone who does not know about this, they always say afterwards that they will think twice when they hear a child crying in a store. But it would take forever to expose other people to enough instances to make everyone empathetic.
My grandson has always spoken politely to grown-ups, or at least he has since he could talk at 6 years old,but grown-ups do not know how to respond to him because they are not used to 7 year old or 9 year old children asking them grown up questions. They then realise that something is not quite right because he then asks another question which either they have just answered or is on an entirely different topic as if he has not heard the answer. It's because he does not understand the answer.

I thought all intelligent kids did that – the question asking. And if they don't understand your answer, ask again, or tell you straight out that they don't know what you're talking about. And the moving on from one topic to another...

I agree with jendurham about the potential benefits of diagnosis, especially in the school setting. It's also currently helpful to my grandson who is on the spectrum, and bright, but socially pretty inept. He is trying to find a job, and thankfully because he was statemented, the job centre folks are aware of his diagnosis.

Bags. if you were suggesting that we can get too hung up on diagnosis these days, and that intelligence levels and personality also contribute to behaviour, then I agree with you. I sometimes feel that a diagnosis of anxiety/depression/bi polar/asd /add etc is seen by some as excusing the individual of any responsibility for their behaviour.

I wasn't really suggesting that, iam, but I can see that my post could be seen to imply that. The thing is, a lot of the less extreme behaviours of children diagnosed as being on the autisitic spectrum are very common in children who haven't been diagnosed as being on it and who never will be.

I agree that labels can be useful especially when they get a child the support it needs. In educational circles I thought that's why the labels were used. It's a signal to education authorities channel some extra and appropriate funds into the child's school, for instance – often in the form of extra staff.

I know from my experience with dyslexic children and adults that being given the diagnosis (or label) was a huge relief for many of them. They had been told by some ignorant teachers and/or parents, that they were stupid or naughty.

Bags - thanks. I agree with you, and that's one of the points I was making. Many of us have similar personality traits, but aren't on any spectrum. My husband and his group of close friends have in common a desire to collect for example, books on particular subjects, maps can never be disposed of as they are 'beautiful things', old school reports, essays, theoretical books on whatever their area of special interest (tee hee) may be, need I go on. Many people experience episodes of anxiety or depression, but manage to continue to work, look after themselves/their families. I'm attempting to say, that it's when people are outside that broad norm, that diagnosis will hopefully help

Some of us have personality traits which could be difficult for others but we have insight into them and try to prevent them becoming a source of annoyance. As I live alone, my mild OCD harms nobody and I am able to give up my obsession with walking when I have visitors who do not or cannot share it. (Their company is well worth it).
I did find it difficult when I had to live with four of the messiest people in the world and ended up doing all the chores - the oft-repeated comment was 'You want it clean, you clean it'.
I know that in the past I was sometimes slow to pick up on non-verbal signals, but my daughter tells me I have improved with age. Well, I suppose being more tactful is one advantage of getting older!

My brother in law and his son both have aspergers and it has been very difficult for them. As a youngster my b-i-l was always in trouble with the police because no-one knew about it. Fortunately it is a little better for his son who HAS been statemented but not a lot. He went to a mainstream school and was used by his 'friends' and always in trouble with the police. The police were so badly trained for such cases they did not even know he should have a responsible adult with him! Most of the time he looks and sounds normal just a bit insular and possibly rude.

My husband really does not understand his brother and gets cross when he doesn't follow my OH's suggestions. I felt early on there was something unusual but didn't know what because my first introduction was him sitting under the table playing the witches hat game; there he stayed for the whole weekend other than to go to bed. Presumably my visit was the disturbing factor. He married but sadly it ended in divorce and it was only his son's diagnosis which made people aware of his problem.

Now bil lives alone training to be a life coach! His son lives well away at a special home for young adults with learning difficulties and is getting a certain level of help at last but he is 17.

Thank you for this thread because it has hugely increased my level of understanding and I will try to pass this on.

Yes All, thank you for this thread. I've learnt a lot.
A figure was mentioned on TV a couple of days ago of a few thousand people with autism in the UK. I can't remember how many but it did seem very low and I think it was way out, as there must be thousands of undiagnosed adults around.
(Hope you soon sell your house Specki. Very soon)

When our autistic grandson was young, he wouldn't eat if the different food items on his plate had touched each other. He disliked cottage pie, stews etc. When he'd taken the boys out for the day, my husband suggested they each choose lunch from the buffet at the cafe. Our autistic grandson chose a white bread sandwich with beef. When he opened it, there was 'stuff' in it. Husband said never mind, get another one. That's exactly what he did, and was so upset when it also had 'stuff' on it.

I have a friend whose son is on the spectrum. He is highly intelligent - at maths, physics and so on - and when he was in sixth form studying for his 6(!) A levels, the head of sixth form phoned them up to say she was concerned that he never did any homework. 'Oh but he does, three or four hours a night' she said. So, they had the conversation and it emerged that although he had been told to do his homework, he had not been told to hand it in.

That's my grandson, iam64. The only food he likes which is mixed is pizza, but it has to be Dr Oetke's with green bits. We have just managed to get him onto Pizza Express without green bits.
He will not eat sandwiches unless they are tuna without mayonnaise, a problem when you take him out. He will eat salad providing you separate the bits.
Bags, he has been statemented since he was four when he started school and could not speak at all. He screamed very loudly at other children's noise though, and was a useful tool for the teacher, "We don't want to upset ......, do we?" They were a very well behaved class. So no, he is not like other children.
In fact he is very unlike many autistic children in that he is very tactile. He will cuddle his teachers, and is allowed to because that is the way he behaves. His head teacher cried at the leaving ceremony because she will miss him so much. She said he is the child who has progressed the most in the time he has been there.
He now says that he likes the high school better than the primary school because he knows what to do, but the first two weeks he went to school with tears in his eyes every day because it was too noisy for him.
He also says he wishes he was dead so he could see Grandad. I know many children would say things like that, but it's difficult when it's every other time you see him, and you have to explain that if he was dead he would not be able to do things with us all the time. This has been at least once a week for over a year.

I didn't mean to say that your GS was like other children in everything, jend, only that my experience of intelligent kids (who have not been statemented as ASD) is that they ask questions and flit between subjects in the way you described.

I am finding this subject very interesting and can reconize may of the traits described in a member of my close family but I agree that there are probably many children who do not fall within the autistic spectrum who also display some of the traits of those that do. For example jendurham, you say that your grandson says he "wishes he was dead in order to be with his grandad". I can recognize this as my grandaughter who continually "wishes she was dead, in order to see her mums horse that died over a year ago". She talks to him constantly and sends messages (via the tooth fairy under her pillow) many times a week. The thing is she does not understand what "being dead" is. She has been told (not by me) that dead people and animals go to heaven which is a beautiful place that all good people (and animals) go to when they die. She doesn not understand what "being dead" really is. Her sister will not eat anything with red bits in it. We think she means peppers but we are not sure, but she will not budge and no amount of reasoning will make any difference. My daughter (not their mother) has never eaten anything that touches something else on her plate. Everything has to be seperated or she will not eat it. She has been like this throughout her life.

Bags, my autistic grandson asks the same questions over and over again. He already knows the answers, but it seems to be something he does when he is feeling stressed. At good times, he asks questions just like any other child. I think he is probably trying to instigate social interaction, but can't quite get it right.

Thanks, mamie. That's rather different and helps to clarify.

Yes, Mamie, that's a form of what they call echolalia. You copy what you know gets a good reaction. We have known educational psychologists sit with my grandson for ten minutes and wonder why they are there. Then after half an hour of following him round a classroom, they know why.
He cannot tolerate grown ups talking to him like a child. They have to treat him like a grown up, until he suddenly launches himself at them for a cuddle. He's eleven now and he still does it. It does not fit in with a child who shakes your hand and asks you your name, another thing he thinks is appropriate for all adults.

The echolalia was very pronounced early on Jendurham, which was one of the things that made me realise that he was probably ASD. It is much better now, but he still does things like going into a bar, (they live in Spain; he is half Spanish and bi-lingual) and saying, "Why are you all smoking, it is very bad for you".
His therapist (there is no educational support in school in Spain) is working on a "traffic light" system of what he can say to whom!

I'm finding this thread very interesting and very informative as well.
My late sister probably had some form of ASD. She certainly had a lot of the characteristics of it but then so do some other people I know.
With my sister there was something obviously wrong but my parents never admitted any problem and always insisted she was just shy, That's the sort of thing that happened 75 years ago.
It would have helped her so much to have been diagnosed or even if the subject could just have talked about. It might have meant that she wasn't so very lonely in her old age.

I say my parents never talked about it but my Dad did once say, when he was in his late 80's, that she was normal until she was about eighteen months or two years old.

Actually, Dusty, that is quite often the age at which it becomes noticeable,usually when they are beginning to talk. There are a lot of parents who still will not accept that there is anything wrong, which is why I find it intersting that people on this thread say that their daughters,etc., were like that. The autism charity is doing early day motions in parliament to get ASD recognised more in adults so they can get help. We are hoping that it will go through before my grandson leaves school, so he gets a chance of help. If he stays as he is, he will find it difficult to get a job.
My son is reluctantly letting him come home by himself, or rather with a friend. The high school is over the other side of the main road, with an island in the middle, but a 40m.p.h speed limit, but only ten minutes walk from their house. The other day, my grandson came home by himself because his friend had stopped to talk to someone else, so he decided he had to get home rather than talk to anyone. He would not play around at the side of a road because he would be terrified of getting run over to the extent that he would not cross the road until all the traffic had gone. This is a half mile stretch of straight road. Long may it continue.

Mamie, you will have to let me know about this traffic light system.
My daughter-in-law - the other son's wife - is Spanish and says that in Spain ASD is not recognised nearly as much as it is here. She teaches foreign languages in a school in England. They have autistic children in the school, but she did not have much sympathy for them or for my grandson until a friend of hers had a son diagnosed.

Jen, the traffic light system gives him rules about what he can say to whom. Family and close friends are green, teachers, doctors, acquaintances etc are orange and strangers are red. He can say anything to green, has to avoid certain types of question with orange and nothing to red. They spend a lot of time rehearsing how to apply the rules.
His school in Spain is clueless. I diagnosed it (former SENCO), plucked up my courage to tell them and all the diagnosis and therapy has been medical and/or private. The SEN adviser started by saying that the school would not do anything because he isn't disruptive. They have fought that, but have to start again every year as the school doesn't seem to have an effective system for passing it on. However the education seems to be entirely based on rote learning, so he does quite well!

Again, very interesting reading. To those of you who know and understand this much more than I do, I wonder if some of the "symptoms" (can't think of a better, more appropraite word) are not really symptoms at all but just personality traits that we all display in one way or another.

Interested in the traffic light system which is probably appropriate to all children. I remember having a conversation with my two grandaughters after poor little April Jones was abducted and murdered and trying to find a way to explain who were potentially bad people and who were not was particularly difficult. They are very social children and mix with a huge variety of people. How can you explain who's car they can get into and who's they can't for example?

Gillybob, it is a spectrum so yes some of the behaviour would be seen in many people. For ASD though, there is normally a "triad" of symptoms. These would include problems with communication, problems with understanding social interaction and repetitive behaviour. There is often raised sensitivity to light or noise. People with ASD cover the whole intelligence range from gifted to very low ability. Some people with severe ASD never speak and their behaviour can be very distressing.

Many ASD kids have similar traits.
Lying on the floor with cars and lining them up in the same order.
Watching wheels all the time.
Liking simple faces on toys, such as Thomas the Tank engine.
My grandson fixates on the bullet train, and the last time he stood in front of it earlier in the year, he said it had a face. He looks at utube clips with them all lined up and tells you which ones he prefers because the face is better.
Every time he comes here, which is often, the first video he has to watch is when they bring the bullet train over from Japan to the railway museum. We used to have to watch it every day. I am surprised it has not worn out yet.
We thought he must be deaf as he did not learn to speak until after he was going to a speech therapist. But we knew he wasn't because he could always hear a plane or helicopter going over well before anyone else heard it. He also prefers being in a dark room, and looks at things from the side if the light is too bright.
There are just so many clues to this disorder that it takes ages to diagnose. We did not think he was autistic at first because we knew someone who was, and she used to sit in a corner and rock, could not speak, but ran up and down the house screaming if anyone looked at her directly. That was autism as we knew it. This girl is older than my eldest son.
There is a book, I cannot remember the title and I've lent it to someone, but it is written by a Japanese boy when he was 13. He has autism. It's a series of answers to questions he often gets asked, so he thought he would write it down so people could read his answers instead.
It's worth reading.