My husband and Asperger's

MaureenM

Specki - I do hope you're finding the contributions here supportive. What a range of experience there is on gransnet, and even a bit of wisdom from many.

Jendurham, your point about the issues/commitment involved in caring for someone with a recognised physical health condition is well made. But I agree with Gadabout, that physical health problems are usually diagnosable, and treatable (even if the treatment is palliative). Living with someone with add/asd/ocd presents challenges of a different order. It's hard to distinguish what is personality, and what links to the disorder. What is plain nasty bullying, or the withdrawal of warmth and affection as a means of control, and what is a genuine inability to comprehend why the other partner is so distressed.

You don't have to justify no longer choosing to live with anyone whose behaviour is having a damaging impact on you.

Specki, you have only one life to live and you have spent much of it supporting your husband. You deserve some peace and happiness.
My ex son-in-law exhibited some bizarre behaviour during their courtship, but my daughter was very much in love with him. Once married , he became a control freak - just like the husband in 'Living with the Enemy' -with every symptom of OCD. He could be very charming but one of his old school friends told us he had a reputation as a vicious bully.
He would buy her clothes and lay out each day what she was to wear - always very old-fashioned long skirts and high-necked blouses.
After 14 years and three children together she found some proof that he was gay, although he has never admitted it. We wonder if his inability to come to terms with his sexuality was at the root of his problems.

I have one grandson who is very intelligent and academically gifted, but I recognise so many of the traits of Aspergers which others have described - facial tics, clumsy gait, ruthless honesty and inability to realise how much this hurts people. He has no idea how to relate to women and has never had a serious relationship. He cannot stand any change in his plans. He was diagnosed as dyspraxic and dyslexic but never as having ASD. I am sure he would be very angry if it were suggested. I worry that he will never find a partner.

I have every sympathy with those of you who have had to live with people who find it impossible to 'connect' in a normal way.

First of all Maureen I am so sorry to hear that your Mum has died & send my love & sympathy . It is perplexing when people don't mention it, even if you understand why.

I'm so pleased your niece has been diagnosed & can now make sense of her condition. You raise the important point that these conditions are often hereditary & that people with them are often highly intelligent & creative so their talents should not be wasted. Diagnosis & a label mean that extra support they need can be accessed right through University/HE. As much as I often wish my daughter had chosen a husband with a less challenging condition there is no doubt he has enriched our lives & widened our understanding.

I keep thinking about JenDurham's post re physical conditions. I suspect that anyone with a physical illness rarely has their diagnosis & label questioned & disbelieved in the same way that people with neuro-diverse conditions do much of the time.

My niece has been diagnosed as aspergers and she is happy that she has a label and support at school. It was not diagnosed until she reached secondary school. At primary she was thought as a selective mute, as she never ever talked to an adult in all her years there. We are all sure that her father has the same condition, but has never been diagnosed. They are both highly intelligent and obsessively focused on anything that they are interested in.
I also think that one of my best friends is on the autistic spectrum. I met her today, four days after my mum died, and she never once mentioned it. Her husband had expressed his sympathy when he saw me, so she did know. She has no idea about personal space and being tactful. Having said that, she has lots of positive attributes and I enjoy her company.

Lots of support to Specki. It's qualitatively quite different from someone who is just nasty & as if you are with someone in a parallel universe. It is hard for people who haven't lived daily alongside these conditions to really understand & the lack of understanding exacerbates the problems for people who have them, and their spouses/partners. Google the condition & read what people/partners & spouses say about it if you want to know more or PM me if you want some links if you're interested.

I know what you mean Jen and of course that is quite a normal thing for a nasty individual to say - but the difference is that he has no idea that his words could hurt..he has absolutely no perception of tact or diplomacy, even when it is seriously required i.e. with little children or old people.

But he displays so many of the other symptoms, so much so that when I first read about the syndrome, it was like reading about him. The clumsiness, the obssessions, the inability to connect meaningfully with others, the strange vocal tics, the odd way of walking; the procrastination; the list is endless so I wont go on. By the way, I don't need to use 'unreasonable behaviour' as proof - I live in a country where you can divorce by mutual consent - that is what we are doing.

Yesterday a visitor who is unaware of our separation (our house is large and we're living separately in it until it is sold) stopped by unannounced. My soon-to-be ex-H searched the house and grounds for me shouting "Are you there! are you there!!" As I said before, he has never once called me by my name in 30 years...don't tell me that that is normal!

Specki, I've sat in a car when my husband has been having a hypo and gone round a roundabout a few times before deciding to go off at the wrong junction. No fun, is it? But I've also been with him, with two young children, begging people to help and being ignored because they thought he was drunk.
Are you sure the "Well, don't turn the light up" is anything to do with Aspergers? It's the sort of thing my sister's husband would say and he does not have anything wrong apart from being a thoroughly nasty piece of work, and nobody can understand why she's stuck with him.

I'm a big fan of Sue's and have read all her novels. My favourite is But I Told You I Loved You Last Year which features an Aspergers husband. Like Sue's blog, the story is amusing and extremely insightful about the problems of living and loving someone with this problem. It's a great read even if you aren't particularly curious about Aspergers... I'd heartily recommend it as well as Sue's other novels.

Very well put Gadabout. Don't go.
Jen its quite right to be considerate and accepting of the restrictions that any illness brings, but where does ADHD lie on the scale of other neurological problems, particularly those where there is risk of harm to others? Do we accept and live with those people because they are ill? Where is the line drawn? If someone's condition destroys the emotional life and confidence of their partner or other family member, then surely a charge of unreasonable behaviour is valid. I put my life at risk every time I sat in the passenger seat of my H's car - he refused to accept that speed restrictions or highway rules applied to him. When he almost mowed down a man and child on a zebra crossing, his response to my shriek was, "well they should look where they're going".

On a lighter, very trivial note, my H & I were at the same event this evening and someone commented that I still look the same even though he hadn't seen me for seven years (flatterer but I liked it!). My H said, "well don't turn the lighting up", then looked around smilingly to receive his audience's laughter. The room went quiet and it was only me who laughed.

One of the hardest things is the unwillingness of the person to get help. Luckily our SiL was such a place where even he realised he needed help & it helped that he was working with Uni students with a whole range of learning disability. Two other of her old friends had husbands, one with ADHD & one with depression & in the end they couldn't stand it any longer. I do think these conditions are different from physical illness because of (even with medication etc) the 'blaming of others', ranting, swings in mood, inability to control anger, & in the case of ADHD, poor working memory, inability to prioritise etc. Often people with one condition have others like dyslexia too. Another very difficult feature with ADHD is that there is sometimes an addiction to sex & use of porn internet sites, never mind the impulsive high risk-taking behaviour. It's all very well people saying you have to remember it is the condition not the person acting but it's more complex than that & very hard to remember when you are the one always at the receiving end. It is said that there is an evolutionary reason why these characteristics have not been weeded out. We actually need these very creative people who take risks when new frontiers have to be crossed - in the past to find new lands, in war to go where others fear, & today to find new solutions to problems, especially in this internet & technological age. Many recent inventions, eg QR codes, are the result of the differently wired brains of ADDErs & similar.
I'm beginning to sound like my SiL so farewell!

Nobody should have to stay married if they are unhappy, for whatever reason Jen, although I understand your point.

Interesting, Gadabout and Iam64. You both seem to know that what you have to do is look at things through the other person's eyes. It's very challenging. When I see my grandson after school and ask him what he did that day, he has to get his diary out and check on the lessons he has had.
What worries me about this forum is that many of you have got divorced because of unreasonable behaviour. Would you have divorced if the illness was physical? My husband was diabetic, on insulin. That's interesting as well. I've been locked in rooms, regularly had him spit glucose tablets and apple juice in my face, had to chase him round the house while trying to get some carbohydrate into him while he's been laughing like a maniac.
When we had the guest house, it was fun being woken up by him screaming and having to get glucose into him while having my hand over his mouth in order that he did not wake up the people in the room next to ours.
I never thought about divorcing him, as it was an illness he could not do anything about.

I can relate to other posts here, I knew that my ex husband wasn't quite "normal" but wasn't sure what the problem was. Only now that we have been divorced for many years (Unreasonable behaviour) I realise why he acted like he did. Still how could he have been diagnosed if only the mention of the word "Doctor" would set him off!

You get used to living with strange behaviour and if you've never lived with anyone before you just accept it as the norm. It's only looking back on a relationship that it makes more sense. I once spoke to a complete stranger in a shop; I can't remember what I said but she turned to me and said 'get out of this relationship now'. I couldn't because I had no career and my children were still quite young.

Specki - I am so glad you have split up from this difficult man. How you have survived all this time without committing at the very least, grievous bodily harm, I cannot imagine. You must be the most patient woman in existence - now you have time and space to be yourself.

specki I couldn't have lived with that

Has anyone picked up a regular reference here? 30 years?

What I find astonishing from my perspective is that some of you have been able to get help through diagnosis. My soon-to-be ex H is NEVER, but NEVER, responsible in ANY way for head on collisions, whether with me or others..it is always someone else's fault. To even suggest that any psychological help and diagnosis could be sought would result in incredulity and angry refusal on his part. He told me today that someone had walked out of a lunch because he had referred to Muslims as 'fuzzy-wuzzies' - he just couldn't understand why. I commented rather snappily that there are people who take great exception to racist comments. His reply was, "some people have no sense of humour". End of conversation.

We spent two weeks in South Africa a few years ago. He spent every day of one week looking for clip-on sunglasses which, once he had found a pair, then refused to wear because someone had laughed at him when he forgot to flip them back down. He spent half of each day of the second week going to an internet café to check our seat numbers for the flight back.

The comment about a social bore rings bells - we rented a gite on the Riviera with some golfing buddies a couple of years ago. My H attached himself like glue to the male and expounded his puerile theories at him for hours at a time. The friend ended up having a sort of nervous crisis before the week was up and they left early - he'd been hoping for a restful break - a little peace; some sketching; some reading - that sort of thing. At 7 am for the first two mornings, despite my protestations, my H put Wagner CDs on the stereo very loudly - not because he likes classical music, but because our friend does! Said friend's wife came out of their room looking apoplectic. My H then called her a spoilsport.

These stories are quite amusing but there are many sinister sides to this syndrome. A pet cat I had at the time of our meeting was taken by him and dumped at the side of the road because he didn't want a cat in our new home. He missed the fact that the cat was wearing an identity collar and I got a phone call and was able to retrieve her. He spends hours snooping on people via the internet, even paying fees to check their company financial details. He knows all the most trivial minutiae relating to neighbours' daily habits. I despair.

And, sorry to go on but he has never, ever, not even once in 30 years, called me by my name. If he wants to alert me, he whistles.

KateFlint- Mr Gad is the same about clothes. He's rejected several newer pairs of glasses but has gone back to wearing the really comfortable pair which must now be over 20 years old. He proudly told me the other day that he'd seen footballer Rio Ferdinand wearing a similar pair now that these old styles have returned as Retro fashion.
I'm glad the earlier post was helpful. You can imagine my SiL & Mr Gad are like chalk & cheese but it didn't stop Mr Gad spending hours helping him with his business problems & now with his current work - his attention to detail & maths ability are just what an ADDer needs. Between us we've created a safe cocoon in which SiL can earn, though life does seem dominated at times by SiL's condition.

This is brilliant! My husband has Aspergers and it took us sometime to diagnose. A lot of the symptoms are similar to the original post regarding non-attendance at parties etc. We don't have many true friends anymore as my husband falls asleep if discussion isn't stimulating enough for him. His argument is 'its a far better use of my time'. He doesn't buy clothes for what they look like but how they feel which results in some very unusual fashion but he is very comfortable. He is fiercely in love with me but one of the only things I struggle with after a long time together is that he isn't that bothered about our children. There is a detachment that I have to bridge the gap for constantly so it's a bit like being a single parent with an extra child that doesn't want to join in.
On the plus side I know exactly where I stand with him. If he doesn't call throughout the day I know he is thinking about me but just not bothering to articulate it.
He is exceptionally lovable and loyal but at times frustrating. It took us a long time to diagnose but once we got there it answred a lot of questions. It makes him different and special and adds something special to our journey through life together.
Thanks for bringing this up as a topic.

Jendurham and Gadabout - yes yes, I so agree. My grandson was diagnosed as on the spectrum when he was 9. He'd been in so much trouble at school up to this. He once described to me how he'd broken the blinds 'and that is called disruptive behaviour gran'. This happened when he'd been stood out for something, and became engrossed in how the blinds worked, so started to try and find out. The diagnosis was a great help in primary school. He was put in charge of the library, so was able to avoid the play ground, and had some status. When he went to high school, he blossomed. He told me it was better than primary, because it had a written rule book. He'd read it, and followed the advice about how to deal with bullies to the letter. His father is undiagnosed but definitely ASD as was his paternal grandfather. Lovely, gentle men, but infuriating at times...... It's how the diagnosis is used that counts, it should be used always to benefit the person with the diagnosis, not to fund wars with former partners

Jendurham and Gadabout - yes yes, I so agree. My grandson was diagnosed as on the spectrum when he was 9. He'd been in so much trouble at school up to this. He once described to me how he'd broken the blinds 'and that is called disruptive behaviour gran'. This happened when he'd been stood out for something, and became engrossed in how the blinds worked, so started to try and find out. The diagnosis was a great help in primary school. He was put in charge of the library, so was able to avoid the play ground, and had some status. When he went to high school, he blossomed. He told me it was better than primary, because it had a written rule book. He'd read it, and followed the advice about how to deal with bullies to the letter. His father is undiagnosed but definitely ASD as was his paternal grandfather. Lovely, gentle men, but infuriating at times...... It's how the diagnosis is used that counts, it should be used always to benefit the person with the diagnosis, not to fund wars with former partners

Brilliant post Gadabout. He was a lucky man to have you as his MiL. There is much that those of us have not been touched by this condition do not understand.

What an interesting and illuminating post Gadabout it helps to understand these conditions when someone with firsthand experience of them can talk about them so clearly and compassionately.