A 40 year friendship was recently ended by me when my friend, on hearing that I had Scleroderma, said, "Trust you to have something unusual". The fact that it will kill me never entered her head. Time for a sharp exit from that particular 'drain'.

It is hard to ' lose' friends who are ' drains'- but oh the relief when you finally do it. I shed my toxic friend of thirty odd years when she sent me a text for my birthday!! That really was the final straw- who doesn't have five minutes to buy and post a card? The good thing it is was this final act of insensitivity that allowed me to leave the friendship without a shred of guilt!

It's the nasty comments that hurt: " This house is far too small to have your grandchildren to stay." There's not enough in this town to keep you happy." " On a new carpet I'd had laid: " They have one like that in the local hotel, and the stripes went all wiggly when it was walked on. " Your sitting room looks like a waiting room." The last two from someone whose house looks like a rented property, and who has what I consider to be very common taste in soft furnishing. I have NEVER made a comments like these to friends and can only think it's jealousy that prompts them. Oh, and how about this one: "I don't know how you and David can afford two houses." I wish I'd replied, " Because I worked like a bleeping slave for 20 odd years as a teacher, plus, I'm married to Scrooge, and neither of us inherited a penny from our parents, unlike you." Is it time to bite back, Gransnetters?

I find it very difficult to end 'drain' relationships without being rude and sometimes it takes me a very long time to realise that they are actually friendships that are very stressful and draining of my energy. I find as I get older that if you regularly take a few minutes out to stockcheck your friendships. Deciding which people make you feel elated and happy when you have spent time with them and which people make you feel exhausted and down in the dumps when you have been with them. It took me a long time to realise that friends who dismiss any problems you have and either move onto theirs or dismiss yours with "Oh I have had that and mine was ten times as bad" and proceed to tell you all about theirs when you really want a listening ear and a few words of comfort and hope the same as you offer them in their hour of need. I have also weeded out the 'friends' who are wonderful to you as long as your down and no competition for them but as soon as you have any luck or achievements then they belittle you and want to push you back down into your 'place' as they cannot cope with you as an equal. As the saying goes you can pick and choose your friends but not your relatives..so I am learning to pick wisely

Other people's negativity is draining and destructive. Often friendships thrive on shared activities and interests. We all have difficult times in our lives and sometimes listening and being there and encouraging your friend is the best way forward. Jealousy is often toxic and if a friend can't be happy for you when things go well, that person is not a real friend. We don't get many true friends in a lifetime, I feel.

Me too falcon, my friend dropped everything and took a day off work when my husband died but another who seemed very supportive on the day, insisted she help with getting rid of my husbands clothes. I let her help and found she just wanted all his stuff for her layabout boyfriend. I was told later that she went to everyones funeral in her area and offered to help just so she could scrounge stuff. I dropped her soon after.

When my DH passed away I sure found out who my true friends were.

One of them who I had already felt uneasy with for many years was really insensitive so I've let her drift away.

I have 6 friends who I trust so I am very lucky.

The true friends rang, had coffee with me when I was in a very dark place and weren't afraid to contact me although I was often crying on the phone.

That takes courage

It isn't always easy to rid oneselves of toxic friends.The one I would would have loved to drop was the wife of one of DH's best friends and all his friends thought of her as we did.When he eventually left her we felt we had to keep the friendship going for the sake of her two daughters who are lovely girls.Later on both her SiLs felt the same way towards her as we did.When I had BC she was dismissive as she was about everything else because ,of course, she had known lots of people with it and they were all ok. Then she was dignosed with it,she was on the phone to me constantly asking for help and advice. Sadly it was terminal and when she was told she turned against everyone but her daughters,she wouldn't answer the phone and I didn't speak to her for the last months of her life.

I have a friend like that, she always talks about her problems, I do care for her and have known her for 40 years but we have changed over the years and it would be nice for her to ask how I am for a change.
I just reply to her nowadays and be polite. She never notices that I am quiet when she visits. I cant visit her as her partner is obnoxious, racist, chauvinist and just plain rude.

I'm so glad to read this. In the past I have "dumped" friends when I have realised that they weren't friends at all. Sometimes I was a bit slow on the uptake about it though and just took on board all sorts of nasty indirectly aggressive comments about myself and my family. All that was some time ago. Once, when I was in my 20s, an older friend phoned me to tell me that she didn't want to continue our friendship. Needless to say I was devastated, she had been such a good friend. She told me that I had changed since I had had my baby and she didn't find my company interesting any more. In retrospect it was honest of her to tell me that I had become "nappy brained" but it was a shock at the time. At least she told me directly and explained why. It would have been worse if she had just become gradually elusive.
I also realise that I don't care much for some of my relatives! Yikes but at least you can choose your friends!

I counted up my friends yesterday and found I had about a dozen close friends and when I looked at the list I thought to myself "why do I like B better than E ?" Reading this blog, I have realised that B is a good listener and is concerned for me and my family though she doesn't live nearby. E is full of her own complaints and rarely asks about the family .She does not listen properly as she can never remember what I have said although she is always seeking my advice for her problems. I now don't go out of my way to catch up with her.

Oh how we all recognise those 'friends' and some family like that too. those who always brush off any worries you might have just so they can launch into an account of their own lives with you as a captive audience.

I've got much harder now I'm approaching 70. Haven't got the time for people like that. I just cut them out of my life.