Our job is to let go - what else? Cling on and fuss over them? I don't think so!

We let them go to become the adults with whom we will establish mature relationships. It's fine - I love who my children have become - they are great human beings and I enjoy their company.

I suspect the writer's teenage son knew how she earned her living and didn't want to appear in any of her writing, sadly he didn't manage that she got him anyway!
My sons are like your daughter Caroline123 but I wouldn't have them any other way. GS shows signs of being the same. His contribution to me discussing moving house "But I like your house and it's really handy to get to!"

I think I let my daughter go but she is on elastic and pings back!

I think I let my daughter go,and now I think of the umbilical card as elastic,she goes and then pings back!

I have a DS of 38 who has never left home and another is a returner in his 40s. My youngest has his own place (and kids) but is here a lot. I regularly wish they were more distant and independent. Now I'm retired, the every day annoyances of middle aged men clashing is much worse than missing the family.

I miss my son at times but I will try to improve my aim!

I'm much closer to my son than to my daughter. Think it's more to do with the personality of the 'child' than the sex.

only my opinion though

The old rhyme says

A son is a son till he takes him a wife
A daughters a daughter for all of her life

Don't have a son but think it may be right in the main.
It's important to have your own life and interests too, all the things there was not time for when the children were young.

I can remember when one of my dearly loved sons came home from Uni saying he was poorly. I was so excited to see him. ' Get into bed sweetheart ', says me..... Mummy will bring you up something nice to eat. Electric blanket on in your old bed, hot chocolate, boiled egg and soldiers at the ready... etc
A couple of hours later, said son was back down stairs.........all spruced up.... Feel much better now says he... He had received an invite to a mates party.....not seen again for 24 hours. Back to Uni having hardly seen us.

What I find worse is when they confide in me......and they do BIG TIME......then if you dare ask for an update to the conversation that was a hot topic a couple of days ago......they say ' Mother, I don't want to talk about it!!! Making me feel like a nosy old bag, when THEY introduced the subject that has made me worry myself sick.

I love them so much, much more than they love me. ....sighs

I know I treated my own parents with the same carelessness, if only we could turn the clock back . I have a feeling it is the same for each generation sadly.

I often feel the same as youjaneayressister but I expect just like you we realise that is o.k to think it but never to say it/ act on it. Such is life big sigh and shrug of shoulders. But to cheer you up.

Is it the lot of a Mother to suffer? My children are all great earners and have lives full of friends and holidays etc. My husband and I have done a lot for them. We have always been there for them supporting them and buying them their first houses and also giving them money as needed

However, sometimes feel we are last on their lists of consideration. Is it our lot only to be really valued when we are no longer here? I have to say that I treated my own Mother with carelessness. I soo wish that I could have her back and tell her how much I loved and valued her.tooo late now.

It will be too late as well, for my children and DIL's

I keep my mouth shut and accept everything they throw at us without complaint. They drop us if a better offer comes along...as in ' you don't mind Mum if we go to So and so's party instead of coming to you as agreed. Etc etc, I smile and say ' off course not....you go ahead' When I would like to say.....' We agreed a date, I reorganised my whole life to accommodate you so FFs you had better turn up or you can F off.
I think we have been too nice.

NoJackyB I don't. I miss my sons as much as my daughter. Like most of you I always knew I was preparing them for an independent life. One of them left too early and that was painful. The other two were moving towards adulthood and the time was right. I'll admit to the occasional pang of longing to have them back home but it soon goes if I get maudlin my husband tells me firmly" well you wanted well adjusted independent adult children, you succeed" that's true but not as easy to come to terms with as it sounds. Perhaps in our hearts some of us never stop mothering we just learn to control it and accept that our children are not ours, their lives belong to them. The price of love[ sigh emotion] worth it though wasn't it

I must have missed a couple of posts at the beginning of the thread. Thatbags said what I said but much better.

Do any of you find that, as parents, you find it harder to let a daughter go than a son?

I was never conscious of the feeling of needing to let go or planning for it, it just happened.

When my eldest son was about 4 months old and lying in a cot in the next room, he gave a little cough. I thought to myself "that cough had nothing to do with me and he dealt with it entirely on his own".

From that moment on, I knew that they were beings in their own right and there was not much that I could say or do to stop them leading their own lives.

From the age of 12, there was no way that any of them would join us on family holidays. (so un-cool!) As I left home myself straight after school for foreign parts, I could hardly stop my kids doing similar things. I remind myself of how I would traipse to consulates and through airports and railway stations, to doctors, pubs and evening classes all on my own and I don't worry about them - they can manage that sort of thing even better than I could.

Being a bi-cultural family, I was very careful to allow them to grow roots and have a feeling of belonging to one place and, hopefully, to us, their parents, and not to fall into the trap of identity crisis that some people in that situation seem to experience.

The results of this attitude have been very rewarding and now that two of them are parents themselves, I can see that they will follow a similar pattern. They have said that they appreciate the freedoms they had and the opportunities they were given.

Oh dear - this sounds very much like patting myself on the back. Actually, it was all done by not bothering about anything and just not interfering - not really difficult, more passive than active parenting on my part!

I missed my DDs when the left for University but had a busy life and space soon filled. They explored the world, came home for high days/holidays, had fun, experienced heartbreaks and crises, grew up and we were there when they came home for security /support, but off they went again. They found partners, had babies and now we all live within 10 minutes of each other.
Each family group lives independently and has their own group of friends but we see each other weekly .. sometimes for a day or just 10 minutes..depends on what we are all doing.

Well said bags and elegran. Perfectly put.

I agree Elegran and bags

Give them roots and wings. Wings to fly, roots to come back to.

With regard to letting go, my approach has always been this: inch by inch, millimetre by millimetre even, I have been letting go of my children since birth. In my view it's rarely a slap bang wallop sort of break; they just grow more independent all the time. And I encourage(d) that ecause I felt that's what my job was: to help them grow up into independent adults, people who don't need parents any more in a practical sense but who still appreciate their parents as other independent adults but ones with whom they have a special emotional bond.

In some ways I feel closer to my adult children now than I did when they were small; they understand me now, what motivated me as I was bringing them up. They know, in short, that I (and their father) always had their best interests at heart, that we will always care about them even though we no longer have to care for them.

I think it's important for parents to make sure their kids know that they, the parents, always have a life, hopes, dreams apart from their kids too. Perhaps the thing is never to invest all one's energies in one's offspring.

A little while ago I had to go and collect Minibags from school because she was unwell. I told the school first-aider who rang me that I'd be there in two hours (normally it would take about half an hour). When I picked M up she asked why I had taken so long. I answered: "Because I had a commitment to some other people; I couldn't let them down. I knew you would come to no harm by having to wait a bit." She was fine with that and I think she learned something.

I have a unique problem. My daughter needed me when she had a child and a very high powered job. The father left her after 4 years. I helped out for 3 months when he was born, prior to day care. I travelled to the USA 3 times year to give her my support. She was introduced to her husband when the child was 5. They married and became a family. Now, the father is back on the scene, has talked his way into their lives and spends every weekend visiting with his son. Between the three of them the child has been indulged, never been left, is taken out to dine. He plays sports every day, having been signed up for 3 clubs. He has two fathers and my daughter has two men. I find this very hard to accept. I moved to be near her but she has gone back to college to do a Masters and I am completely alone now. We used to spend a lot of time together, but now I am a burden. It's so hard to make new friends at my age. I've joined clubs but people have their lives set and I spend such a lot of time on my own. I know what you're going to say and I agree, but part of my problem is chronic fatigue which means I have to pace myself. I would love to befriend someone who understands. Thanks for listening. xx

I have always thought that the greatest gift we can give our children is their freedom. I am taking it for granted that we love them to bits and anyone or any thing that hurts them will hurt us too, but we decided that our son needed to be away from us, to give him and us more freedom, and although it was difficult at first, it was worth the effort. He has a better life than we could have given him if we had kept him with us. This is probably a little different from sons/daughters leaving home, but in the same theme. We have a lovely daughter and her family, they do not contact us that much, but we always know they are there, and they make sure we are both coping. My daughter was encouraged to go her own way, and her children (as different as chalk and cheese) have been allowed to do the same. It is surprising and interesting, what different lives we all now lead, and I know that we are fortunate in as much as we have not had some of the sad experiences so many others seem to have had.

Veragrace, I feel for you, as well. (((Hugs!))) Since I frequently watch my grands, I know how involved a "granny nanny" can become. I don't blame you for speaking up when your son spanked or yelled at your GS. It's still not unusual for parents to use these methods, of course, but if GS was turning to you about these things, how could you not say something? My heart aches just thinking about it!

Maybe you should have respected your son's wishes on other issues like how much to feed GS (unless what son wanted was inadequate). In fact, I guess I think so. After all, GS is HIS child, NOT YOURS. (That's the hard part, I think, about helping to raise a grand - you -general you - may feel like their parent - but you aren't.) But yelling and hitting are a different matter.

Also, I imagine it must be have been heart-wrenching to go from taking care of GS every day to only seeing him on holidays! Such a HUGE change! Oh! I'm glad you're able to keep in regular touch with him by telephone, however. Perhaps, when he's older, if his parents will allow it, you can also talk to him on FB and so forth.

But what I really don't understand is how parents can think it's ok to separate a child so much from someone who has been so much a part of his life! I'm not surprised that GS misses you and they shouldn't be either. Poor little guy!

I'm glad for his sake, though, that his frustration about that seems to have lessened - going from "I need to go back to my Nan" to "Why are you keeping me away from my Nan?" I hope, in time, again for his sake, it will simply be, "I wanna see my Nan" or "Can we visit Nan?" But, happily, it's clear you'll always have a central place in his heart. (As he gets older, he may be able to visit you on his own whenever he wants, though, of course, he may be too busy with other interests and activities.)

Meanwhile, I'm sorry you're relationship with your son seems to be over. I can see why, however, and don't blame you. I'm not sure how the visits with GS are continuing if you "have nothing to do with" your son though. If you don't mind my asking, how does that work? Do GS and his mother come over and visit without your son? Or am I being too nosy?

Shigsy, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and to your late DS' family!

Like others, I hope his partner will keep you in your GC's lives. She may draw closer to you in your shared grief, but please understand if she needs some space, instead. I can't say, for sure, but I think the more supportive you are now and respectful of her needs, the more she'll be willing to maintain the relationship as time goes on.

There may be a little loosening of the ties, of course, if she, eventually, begins a new life with a new partner. I hope you'll be able to understand that and not pressure her to keep you involved on the same level. Again, if you respect her needs, chances are, the two of you will be able to work out ways for you to stay in touch and visit with your grands and so on. At least, that's what I think, anyway.

Lots of (((hugs!)))