Author Rachel Hore on how and when to let go of children or grandchildren, whilst remaining a part of their lives.
Rachel Hore
When is it time to let go?
Posted on: Thu 03-Mar-16 12:08:23
(41 comments )
When is it time to stand back and let your children or grandchildren make their own way?
'If you love somebody, set them free', purrs the song.
There can be times in parents' relationships with their children when letting go is the best thing to do, but this can also be incredibly hard. Sometimes it's simply a healthy response to a natural situation.
My middle son was morose, tight-shut as a clam through his teenage years, and probably got fed up with me constantly asking if he was all right, or making decisions on his behalf about school trips, work experience, decoration of his bedroom, which he seemed unable or unwilling to make for himself. It was with a feeling of concern that we dropped him off at the university he'd picked at the last moment to study a subject we weren't sure he wanted to do. I had to fight off the dreadful sense that maybe we'd lost him forever.
Two years on the result has been quite the opposite. We've discovered him again. Sharing a house with a bunch of mates, choosing to study modules on his course that suit his interests, making his own decisions whilst living on a budget, all this has helped him to grow into a mature, responsible and charming young man, who I'm confident will competently plot his own way through life. We'd love him to come home more often, but it's a long journey to Norwich, and we get lots of emails and cheery messages from him and even the odd phone call. It had simply been time for him to fly the nest.
What else can a parent or grandparent do, other than wait and worry and hope?
More anxiety-inducing would be the example of a young person who is in real difficulties, but for one reason or another must not or will not continue to live with their family. Sometimes this might be because they cause chaos with illegal drug-use and anti-social behaviour. Sometimes it might be because a family member has caused them terrible pain.
These are much harder situations and it might be best to turn to professionals for support. Rules might have to be laid down in order to protect the rest of the family, and the young person may have to be loved and supported at a distance, possibly by grandparents.
Maybe worst of all is when the young person rejects their family entirely and all you can do is let them know that the door will always be open for their return.
This is unconditional love, which is a parent's duty to selflessly provide, but which thankfully often comes naturally, part of the toolkit, as it were.
What else can a parent or grandparent do, other than wait and worry and hope? And to make sure that the young person knows that they are loved and that they genuinely want what's best for them?
Rachel's new book The House on Bellevue Gardens is published by Simon & Schuster and is available from Amazon.
if I get maudlin my husband tells me firmly" well you wanted well adjusted independent adult children, you succeed" that's true but not as easy to come to terms with as it sounds. Perhaps in our hearts some of us never stop mothering we just learn to control it and accept that our children are not ours, their lives belong to them. The price of love[ sigh emotion] worth it though wasn't it
to cheer you up.
. I have a feeling it is the same for each generation sadly.