Hi UkeCan61, yes - I'm very lucky to be able to see my grand-daughter often. Son & DIL live in the same town as me but both work hard, and long hours, in retail so I do lots of collecting from nursery and entertaining GD either at my home or theirs. I'm off for a weekend in Yorkshire this week and the thing I will miss most is GD's infectious giggle!

After the death of my son 8 years ago I hoped I would be able to continue the relationship with my 2 grandchildren. Now 12 and nearly 10. Unfortunately things got difficult I was pushed away. I went to court and was given an order to be able to see the children. The DIL said she would work it out but she went back on that. I have tried for the last three years but the children have been turned against me. I never got to be able to see them without her which is what the solicitor wanted, but our trust was misplaced as soon as proceedings stopped. I have tried but they don't speak if I see them or give me any eye contact. I am sure without her being present we could have worked it out as I got on well with them. I have kept sending them cards and letters. Which, incidentally I found before we went to court she never gave them!
It was the eldests birthday this week and I didn't go round. I just find it too upsetting it makes me feel ill. I was getting very stressed and was advised to not go so had been trying half terms and birthdays etc. I have no thank you for any gifts which is not surprising. The whole family are now excluded, their Uncle my youngest, has had no response to his polite requests the last time he tried was 18 months ago. He sends cards and little notes as well.
I have a box I which I keep copies of things and notebooks I write in for them.
I always sense with the eldest he would like to speak but can't as his Mum would be cross. I shall live in hope that one day curiosity will get the better of them and there will be a surprise note or message.
P.S. I have asked for the older ones mobile number but she won't give it too me. At least I could have sent little messages.
It is so cruel I feel for you too SparklyGrandma. It is hard to discuss with friends as they can't believe what you say is true. Make sure you keep copies of everything you send to them then one day they can have the box!!!

we have 3 young grandchildren we know longer have contact with 8,6 and 5.
Our crime to cause our 2 sons to stop us seeing their kids we think is we took in our gd when 1 yr old when ss became involved in dd life ,it was that or have her go into care we really had no choice! (or maybe because i asked him for money back he owed us £7000)
First middle son declared that we were terrible parents and we would never see him or his family again 8 and 6 yr old.
Then eldest sons wife who they had not ever really got on with became their best friend ever and she stopped us seeing their daughter 5 yr old.
Until this happened 18 moths ago now we were very involved in the kids lives baby sitting whenever asked ,weekend sleep overs , holidays .
What I find most hurtful is eldest son works with dh and is in my house every day and acts as if everything is normal, sits at my table drinks my tea,brings his dog in and leaves it while he is at work but won't tell us why we can't see his daughter and if i comment I'm accused of causing trouble.

icanhandthemback So glad you finally got access. I live in hope. Yes my son has a solicitor on the case. Trouble is it is costing him an arm and a leg and she is dragging her feet by not answering legal letters so each time they have to contact her again and again it costs him so much. He finds it all very stressful. Also she is a dangerous, manipulative and calculating person who would do anything - and I mean anything to get her own way.

Oh SparklyGrandma So sorry you're going through the same. We try to bring our kids up right and to be their own person, to be strong yet kind. However sometimes they end up being controlled by a person they initially love. It's like brainwashing but because they are so in love they don't realise what is happening. We could see it happening from the start but were helpless as he defended her nasty, cruel behaviour. Now he wishes he had never laid eyes on her and unfortunately a child is stuck in the middle. I have my son back but she stirred things up so badly that my children all fell out and no longer have contact with each other. As I write this I can hardly believe it myself as they were all so close before he met her. My DH says give it time and hopefully they will one day make up. I know how you feel about talking to friends about it. Most people will not have experienced such psycholigal trauma in their families so would not understand. Lucky we have Gransnet eh! ((()))

Presumably your son has access rights which he could go through the courts to decide. My DS was in this position and we paid for him to file for access. DGS was just a year old, lived 250 miles away so his Mother was insistent he was too young and couldn't leave the Country. The Court gave her short thrift. We had to agree to a few things to make sure she felt she had some control but in the end a minimum access was agreed with reasonable access on top of that.
Helping out with a fee which cost a couple of hundred pounds was the best thing we could have done and it has meant we retained contact too. It might be worth a shot if you had the money. Many Dads think they won't get anywhere but they often do better than they think and I am sure your GC would thank you in the long run.
Of course, there might be circumstances which preclude your son getting access, in which case, I sincerely hope you will one day get the call you long for.

Me too Sparklygrandma, I would never have believed our ES capable of the things he's said and done over the last 4 years. He wont admit it but we know our d.i.l. is behind this, still we're his parents and I'd have thought that no matter what the first 27 years of life would count for something but no. Those years don't count for anything and neither do we anymore.

I am so glad I joined Gransnet recently - I had been sort of living alone with the sadness of not seeing my DGDs because my DiL decided so over 5 years ago. I send presents and cards via DiL parents but hear nothing back, ever. It is very painful around summer holidays and Christmas time but I try and keep it to myself, not burden anyone with the sadness of it. My son I just dont understand - letting himself be controlled and be cruel. I didnt bring him up to be like that.
Its difficult to discuss with my lovely friends - one DF even thinks its me not making an effort to see GC. Writing down a family history sounds like an excellent idea. Something positive to do for them. Sorry the rest of you are going through it too. A funny thing - I brought my son up to think marriage was essential to happiness and that he must ALWAYS listen to his wife. Foot and shot, eh?

It is therapeutic isn't it Ukecan, at least I feel as if I'm doing something and it does help to remind me that I am a grandmother, their grandmother.

I'll take a look on Pinterest. I do have ideas but I've not written these things out properly so to speak, because I don't want any of the inevitable tear drops to spoil the pages.

Reading your letter and your last post has made me realise that I also need to write about other family members they'll never know. Great grand mothers, great aunts and uncles. Thanks for that.

We too believe that those children will be negatively indoctrinated, if the eldest hasn't been all ready, not just by their mother but their father, our son too.

I've posted in response to yours of yesterday eddiecat and yes, it seems usually to be women who are behind this vile behaviour. It's even more tragic when their influence over their husbands/partners is such that they join in with the abuse of their own parents and are prepared for their children to be used as weapons.

I posted under "Relationships" yesterday about a very similiar situation and just wanted to sympathise with anyone else who is going through this. It is helpful to know others are in the same boat - usually through no fault of their own. Children deserve to have as many people on their side as possible and I really don`t understand why these women (I`m afraid it usually is women) want to stop them having contact with family members who love them.
I think this time of year is particularly difficult as every where you go there are grandparents with their grandchildren - and you can`t help wishing that could be you

Smileless2012 it sounds as though you're doing the same as me! I also have bits of paper and numerous exercise books with family stuff written inside and little keepsakes. I want to put it all together when I have the time. I go on Pinterest to look for nice ideas on putting memory books together and scrapbooking. I want all our GC to know about our family but especially Holly as she will have been negatively indoctrined by her Mum. Yes, I'm doing it for her as I want her to know that she has been loved from afar but I'm also doing it for me as I find it therapeutic doing nice things for her. (((?)))

Luckylegs9 I take it you have no access either? It is a cruel person who inflicts this on their children. I have told myself that I have to live my life and try to do positive things that make me happy even though the bad stuff is always whirling round in my mind. It's learning to seperate the bad from the good and put the bad in a 'drawer' in my head. I have to still be there for other family members and so put on my happy face. (((?)))

What a lovely letter Ukecan thank you for sharing it. You are doing the right thing. I send birthday and Christmas cards to my GC and when moved to do so I write them poems.

They're all gathered together on various pieces of paper but I have a book to write them all down in and that with other little things will go in their memory box which I've left to them in my will.

It isn't a matter of causing problems between our GC and their parents, I'm sure no estranged parent and grand parent would desire such a thing but it's important to them to know that they were loved by us even though we never saw them. I think it's of equal importance to us too.

I do hope you get to see Holly one day

That letter made me cry, I completely understand how this grandmother feels. I would somehow get that letter to her grandchild when she is 18. I cried because her dil has denied her child the love of grandparents, but most of all her own father, later on when her child is fully grown she might make her own mind up about things. The fact that the grandparents have each other will get them through. I was on my own when it happened and didn't see how I could carry on, but I'm still here, the person I was has gone, the heart as gone out of me.

Bless you all for your lovely comments. x

leemw711 are you allowed to see your GD? Lovely to give her the ring for her to treasure. Sorry your DH didn't make it to your Ruby anniversary. .
Thanks for the flowers NfkDumpling x
moonlight I really feel for you, I can cope with my DiL not speaking to us as we never trusted her from the start but unfortunately it means we can't see little GD as her mummy holds all the cards.
But it is hard when your own Daughter doesn't want contact. I know how you feel as I have that problem as well but my daughter has no kids yet.
It is heartbreaking. I don't know how we manage to carry on sometimes with all this sadness but we just do and find all kinds of things to occupy our time to prevent thinking too much. I put on my happy face and friends and some family would never know what's going on inside my head!

I've just written a letter for my 3 year old GD and left it with her parents, together with the ring my dad gave my mum for their ruby wedding. They didn't live long enough to meet GD so I want her to know about them and their 40+ years of very happy marriage. I just missed my own ruby anniversary earlier this year as my beloved husband, who I met when I was 16, died a few months ago. I find it a huge comfort that GD still remembers him and chatters about him and loves looking at photos of them together! He was so proud of her and she makes me feel close to him...

my daughter decided i was no longer going to see my granddaughter seven years ago when she was three years old it has and still does break my heart not being able to see her every year i send a birthday and christmas card to GD i dont know if she is given them
for a couple of weeks around her birthday (her 11th is next week )i get very low and cry every time i think of what she and i are missing by not being able to see her.
i will again try to get my daughter to let her meet me but all i get in return is a load of abuse and false accusing and her saying my GD hates me !!!!
so i know how you feel and i know there are thousands of us grandparents in the same position but it does not make it any easier

Hi fellow Gransnetters, I am the writer of the above Guest post. Thankyou all for your kind words. It is a horrible situation but I have to stay positive and hope that we will see Holly one day. [Rubylady] I know that my DiL will also bad mouth us to Holly and try to prevent a relationship but as [Lullydully + Janeayressister] said when children reach a certain age they become curious about their family history and she may seek us out herself. I hope this happens for you one day. Writing letters isn't for every one and I do sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing or even wasting my time, but something keeps making me do it anyway.
[tiredoldwoman] I may do the access thing in the future but at the mo' as you say I don't want to rock the boat. Lovely that your niece did eventually contact you [janeayressister] it gives me hope. Thanks [NfkDumpling] [janeainsworth] [Sufjansgranny] [elleturner] (((x)))

A stunning, heartbreaking letter. What a wise thing to do, and I agree with Janeayressister, do keep on writing. Hoping for better things xxxx

anonymous I think what is striking about your letter is that you haven't sought to blame anyone.
You brought tears to my eyes.
I do hope that you and your son won't have to wait till Holly is 18 to see her again.

My niece appeared back in our lives when she was 19. Her Mother could no longer control her then. hopefully your GC will turn up as well. Xxx hugs as it is so painful.

I would just like to say, keep writing and sending and keep copies. Don't just write one letter and leave it at the Solicitors. That is what I did. Although I am my nieces' Aunt by marriage.

OMG heartbreaking. My niece has just got back in touch last year, after her Mother did the same to my BIL. She pretended that my dear nice had a choice. No four year old says to her Father ' my mummy won't love me if I see you' do they?
Anyone preventing their child from seeing their Mum or Dad is cruel ( unless they are physically abusive, drunk and neglectful) my BIL was neither. He nearly died of a broken heart.
Now my dear beautiful niece is terrified of telling her Mum that she has met us all. Her Mother is a manipulative liar. I know this as she told me ( I have always kept in touch by phone and email) that my niece didn't want to meet her Father, when she had already made contact and had met him.
My ex SIL is bonkers.
Of course there is fault in both sides, none of the two parties come out of the situation smelling of roses, but my BIL is incapable of plotting and manipulating.
What a terrible position my dear niece has been put in.