Old people being mistreated in their own homes

Thank you for your support. It seems that most of us are in the same boat, doing the best that we can for our parents and hoping their passing is peaceful and pain free.

I've avoided this thread because it is a subject that I find difficult to address, but here goes, because I really do think that the whole issue of abuse of the elderly and the future care of the elderly - needs to be continuously highlighted.

Actual abuse of the elderly is disgusting, but this is not what I want to write about here. What I want to identify is the '*consistent lack of support, understanding and CARE*' the elderly receive, not only in nursing homes, but in society as a whole. Depression is rife and little is done to alleviate this.

My dear Mum, who'd had a tough life, suffered several strokes, leaving her considerably disabled for the last 5 years of her life. She spent that time in a small nursing home - no more than 12 stayed there - and it didn't 'smell' - which in my book gave it a good tick. Highly independent, she strove to do as much for herself as possible. Yet it was the little things, the little everyday issues that we'd all be faced with, which caused her distress, and so easy to change.

When she said she wanted fruit, she'd be given an apple and a knife. She couldn't do anything with it because of her disability.

When she called for assistance in the night to visit the toilet, she was put in an adult nappy. All she needed was support to get to the loo. Nothing wrong with her brain nor her bladder control.

She often wore clothes that weren't her's, and saw other's wearing what belonged to her - lazy laundry practice.

Left in the bath too long, until the water was cold. Unable to get to the bell.
Not deliberate. Understaffed.

Being forced to join in with 'exercise' - having her arms and legs moved, when she'd clearly expressed her dislike of the whole performance and wanted to be in her room. Thoughtless.

Rough cleaning of teeth - if at all. Careless.

The tip of the iceberg.

I think it is this drip, drip, drip of the casual lack of insight, understanding, care and compassion that is sorely lacking.

I remember always been concerned about complaining like mad and risking her care being adversely affected.

It was through Mum that I then decided to look into depression of the elderly and worked in that area, alongside my 'day job'. I was clear that those in dreadful situations should be able to find their voice.

Thank you for listening to mine.

Butternut you've voiced what many of us think about the care system for the elderly. Basic dignity and compassion will see us through when resources are short. After all, so many elderly people have lived theough severe deprivation in the war years, and do not regard living a frugal life as being difficult, but the thought of being treated dispassionately is too awful to contemplate. Thanks for sharing your views x

Thanks, Carol, for wading through my v. long post!

Butternut A bit more compassion and common sense would have made a difference to your mother's well being.

I might add that you would have been in a quandary Butternut whether to complain and would that have made things worse for your mother.

I think there needs to be something done about the way the elderly are treated. It seems to me that it is just a money making business and the best way to make a profit is not to have enough staff and not pay for enough training. When my mother was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer they decided that she was too frail to have chemotherapy or an operation. They said that radiation would be the way to go. She was then transported back from the large hospital by ambulance to the smaller hospital where she was staying. My eldest sister was with her and my mother was exhausted and most probably in a daze because the specialist had told my mother when my sister was not in the room that she had cancer. Apparently he has done that before and his staff were trying to get my sister to get back to the consulting room so my mother was not on her own. My sister had gone to get them a drink as it had been a long day.

The next day I took my D2 who was pregnant and has a small son to the hospital to see her grandmother. My daughter who had been sick in hospital herself had made the six hour trip by bus just to see her grandmother. When we got there my mother wasn't in her room and the staff were not sure why she had been taken away. My mother had been transported back to the large hospital by ambulance on her own. The reason they said was they were looking into seeing if she could have chemotherapy (which they had decided against the day before). One of the staff also thought it was a good time while my frail, elderly mother was on her own to tell her she had three months to live. I believe it was just another excuse for an appointment which makes the consultant more money. This was not the first time that she has had appointments made that were unnecessary. My sister then finally got Mum back to her home in the country. My mother then got a letter as they wanted her to come back to the hospital again to discuss if she should have chemotherapy or an operation. A three hour drive with an elderly sick woman for them to again discuss whether she should have chemotherapy. My sister then discussed it with her doctor and she said not to bother.

Sorry this is long and I have said this before....but reading some of these posts is upsetting. Why are there so many uncaring people working with vulnerable people?

So moving to read all these testimonies.
When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, I moved 500 miles south to be with him for the last 5 weeks of his life - it was that quick. I had no help, apart from a visit from a MacMillan nurse who I thought was going to give me a lot of help - in fact she gave me a form to fill in for an attendance allowance which he didn't need, and offered the loan of a commode and a walking frame both of which I had acquired from the Red X myself. With the occasional help from his neighbour when he fell, Dad and I plodded on until I felt I couldn't cope any more and managed to get him into a private nursing home where he had the care he deserved during his final week. I felt bitterly let down by the 'system' although I was so happy to have spent that time with him and got to know the Dad I had never discovered before. My only regret was that he was alone when he died, but knowing him, it was what he probably wanted as he was a very private man.
I think Gracesmum's daughter has the right idea - I think the vet is the place for me to go when the time comes!!

Faye - I'm sorry to learn of your Mother's distressing time, and your's Gally, too, although pleased you found time to be with your Father.
Isn't it astonishing that 'the system' often fails to provide consistency in care.

I do think there is still some very good 'practice' around, but it is all so arbitrary.

Education and training are paramount. However that is of course always ham-strung by financial constraints, implemented not only by the government but by private care homes, whose main concern is to make a profit. The turn-over of staff in these businesses tells it's own tale.

I could go on.........I find I am sad and angry in turns about this whole issue.

This is all extremely distressing, but at the risk of sounding selfish - what can we do for our future?

We can all do our bit to lobby for ageism to be eradicated, and muster strength by numbers with Gransnet. We'll have as big a voice as Mumsnet if we continue like this.

Faye I have sent you a personal message but according to my sent box it looks like it went twice! Blame it on technology! I am thinking of you and send a ((((big hug))))

Some of the issues here, and the need to have a voice are being expressed on the "conference" thread.

It is very clear that we could be a force to be reckoned with.

I have been in tears as I read these posts.

reading these disturbing stories has made my blood run cold - and boil! If the two can work together at the same time. I was so lucky with my mother's carers. Mind you she wouldn't let them do much so they sat and talked to her until they moved on to their next client. Dad wasn't so lucky. The respite home he was in closed because the owner couldn't afford to make the changes to the door widths etc brought in by legislation. None of the residents was concerned but never mind them eh? The doors weren't the exact dimensions so cheerio folks, just move elsewhere and sorry, mate, you can't run the home any more even though the old dears were happy there with their home made food. The residential home he had to move to (a) because he refused to leave his home town as he wanted to die there and (b) there was nowhere else that mum could get to to visit him - andI lived 200 miles away - was, like many others, well meaning but short staffed. I felt they did their best but the residents seem drugged to the hilt with the telly on in the corner. They tried to interest Dad in various things but he just gave up and died within 6 weeks of being there.
Does anyone know if a Council's accounts are public information? I'd love to know what they spend their money on. How do they prioritise the needs of the community? How are private nursing homes regulated - hardly at all by the sound of it, yet our business gets inspected quarterly and woe betide us if our processes don't pass muster. I'm horrified that there is no protection for the elderly. With an ageing population perhaps this is where our focus should be?

You can request information from the council under the Freedom of Information Act. You have to apply in writing and they must acknowledge your request in writing with a certain number of days, then supply the info you require, again within a time limit. Information that needs to be kept secure, or that contains names other than the person you enquire about are blocked out (shouldn't apply in your case).

When u get old you are not a priority. My daughter did care for a week. The 'jobs' were far and wide from 7am to 11pm with lots of driving in her own car. There were long gaps in day. Most visits were far too short and not time to do the necessary or no 2nd person to hoist etc. it was heart breaking. Impossible to do on money and fit round young children. She doesn't want to live old and thinks of all those isolated people. Shame on the government.

It takes a village to raise a child/look after a person who is now elderly. Natures ratio is mostly adults with a few babies and elderly. Industrialisation when work was taken out of the home and our society now segregates us by age. How do we re-create the 'village'? Women are starting businesses from home the old cottage industry that means you can be there for your children.

'How do we re-create the village?' Now there's a good question!
'How do we re-create the extended family?' There's another.

Thanks Carol that's helpful.
A 'community' has been built on the other side of our town. It has a school and a community centre on the same site but for those on the far side of this community there is nothing but houses - no corner shop, no nothing except for small play areas. You either have to wait for a bus or take your car if you want to shop because that is quite some distance away. It was an opportunity missed I think. Grant Shapps talks about having more housing but there needs to be a centre of some sort to make it into a community. When the children were small I used to live in a cul de sac and there were many young families there and we used to look out for each other and the children who, because of the lack of traffic, could play safely outside. Now the families there have grown up and many of the houses have been divided up and let and there are umpteen cars parked making it unsafe for any outside communal play and with a resulting change in atmosphere.
It's all down to planning but unfortunately many of the planners are men who haven't had the experience of being at home day after day with small children - and perhaps that applies to many women these days too.

the ever increasing pressures of age

I have worked in homes for the care of others, it was a long time ago now, at first it was ok, i went into it with great ideas, even took my kids on odd times when i couldnt get a babysitter, those days were really good, the children made the folk there smile, and the folk there made the children smile, after a while though i was told to stop taking the children in, it wasnt appropriate or something, after that the job just got more and more demanding, i started to see things i found revoulting, when i pointed them out i was told to shut up... eventually i walked out and reported the homes, nothing much got done really, even though one resident was assaulted!

i do look after my mum, in a fashion, we still have a couple issues, but were working on them slowly, mum can still manage to live alone as yet, but were having to visit more often and do more things, but thats ok we share it around a bit, she has had help in before but i guess it wasnt for her, not all the help she got was good, even though it looked that way for a while, i think shes happier with what were doing now, mum is a tad difficult to help at times, she gets very antsy when you try to do too much, but i would rather this than put her in the care of any of the homes or systems we have right now, i dont see many changes in most of them from when i was working there, although there are some that have got all the balances right

I've just done a 700 mile round trip to Cumbria to help my sister move my Mum into a local authority care home. The sense of relief, particularly for my sister, her chief carer, has been enormous.We have been so lucky to finally get her into a wonderful happy,caring,local home where she has had periods of respite over the last year. She has increasing dementia but the biggest problem has been her weight, not a frail old lady but a huge 18 stone!She has had countless, unknown carers coming in twice a day, recently, when my sister could no longer risk being flattened in the shower. However, she started to lock them out.The main worry has been her falling at night and not knowing whether she would use her alert button round her neck ....she has been constantly complaining that no-one has been ringing her up on it! Such a relief to know she is finally safe.

mum suffers from dementia and has carers 3 times a day.
Her breakfast visit last 40mins. During this time her carer is expected to shower her, help her dress, prepare and ensure she eats breakfast and administer her drugs. Her lunch and evening visit are 20 mins each.

I have nothing but praise for her carers. But for this 80mins a day the bill will increase by £52 a month starting in December. (shock) (angry)

That's such good news for you Grannylin. I can imagine your relief. It was a battle for me too o ensure that mum wore her alert button - it took ages - but paid off in the end when she fell whilst actually wearing it. I can't recommend the alert button enough - but of course it has to be worn ALL the time! Not always an easy task - mainly because of supposed pride I think

Another headline about carers with no time to care

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/elderhealth/9146796/Elderly-left-sitting-in-the-dark-by-stressed-to-tears-carers.html

Sorry, forgot to blue it.

Another headline about carers with no time to care

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/elderhealth/9146796/Elderly-left-sitting-in-the-dark-by-stressed-to-tears-carers.html

Don't the carer's have managers who check that the care is being given correctly,in our local newspaper there are countless positions for carers doing variious shifts "no experience required" why are they allowed to get away with this ?

A relative interviewed on the radio said that when he complained to the carers' agency, he was told to go to another agency. That's caring!