Old people being mistreated in their own homes

Butternut A bit more compassion and common sense would have made a difference to your mother's well being.

Thanks, Carol, for wading through my v. long post!

Butternut you've voiced what many of us think about the care system for the elderly. Basic dignity and compassion will see us through when resources are short. After all, so many elderly people have lived theough severe deprivation in the war years, and do not regard living a frugal life as being difficult, but the thought of being treated dispassionately is too awful to contemplate. Thanks for sharing your views x

I've avoided this thread because it is a subject that I find difficult to address, but here goes, because I really do think that the whole issue of abuse of the elderly and the future care of the elderly - needs to be continuously highlighted.

Actual abuse of the elderly is disgusting, but this is not what I want to write about here. What I want to identify is the '*consistent lack of support, understanding and CARE*' the elderly receive, not only in nursing homes, but in society as a whole. Depression is rife and little is done to alleviate this.

My dear Mum, who'd had a tough life, suffered several strokes, leaving her considerably disabled for the last 5 years of her life. She spent that time in a small nursing home - no more than 12 stayed there - and it didn't 'smell' - which in my book gave it a good tick. Highly independent, she strove to do as much for herself as possible. Yet it was the little things, the little everyday issues that we'd all be faced with, which caused her distress, and so easy to change.

When she said she wanted fruit, she'd be given an apple and a knife. She couldn't do anything with it because of her disability.

When she called for assistance in the night to visit the toilet, she was put in an adult nappy. All she needed was support to get to the loo. Nothing wrong with her brain nor her bladder control.

She often wore clothes that weren't her's, and saw other's wearing what belonged to her - lazy laundry practice.

Left in the bath too long, until the water was cold. Unable to get to the bell.
Not deliberate. Understaffed.

Being forced to join in with 'exercise' - having her arms and legs moved, when she'd clearly expressed her dislike of the whole performance and wanted to be in her room. Thoughtless.

Rough cleaning of teeth - if at all. Careless.

The tip of the iceberg.

I think it is this drip, drip, drip of the casual lack of insight, understanding, care and compassion that is sorely lacking.

I remember always been concerned about complaining like mad and risking her care being adversely affected.

It was through Mum that I then decided to look into depression of the elderly and worked in that area, alongside my 'day job'. I was clear that those in dreadful situations should be able to find their voice.

Thank you for listening to mine.

Thank you for your support. It seems that most of us are in the same boat, doing the best that we can for our parents and hoping their passing is peaceful and pain free.

I was a District Nurse for a very long time and managed a large community nursing service (160 staff) the stories we could tell about home carers beggars belief. We reported and reported every incident we had seen and very little changed as its so hard to provide evidence. I have recently had to arrange some further support for my MIL and have done this through Age UK who are wonderful and monitor their staff very closely so I do recommend them. As monitoring is so difficult perhaps we have to go down the route some parents have taken with childcare i.e. security cameras for our loved ones.

Well said, Geraldine. I've put the link on my Facebook page.

Here's the link to Geraldine's article

ind.pn/sYepUO

Geraldine's article is interesting. Maybe we could raise the profile about ageism, and even get a culture shift. So many other countries regard the elderly as wise and to be venerated.

Faye my thoughts are with you.

Faye my thoughts and prayers are with you over what will be a difficult time. It is great that your brother and sister are rallying around you. My brothers were the complete opposite when our mother was going downhill - long story and not for now.
However my dear husband rallied around and supported her and me - Mum often said that he was more of a son than son-in-law. She was in a wonderful care home - we saw her regularly, taking her out in the car etc and generally 'seeing her right'.
Her final couple of weeks were calm and comfortable thanks to the dedication of the care home staff, her wonderful GP controlling the pain so perfectly (she had the big C) that she was comfortable but 'with it'.
On the afternoon she died DH and I had been sat with her for nearly three hours. She was totally relaxed, occasionally opening her eyes and having a sip of drink. Her favourite hymns CD played quietly in the background. We knew she was likely to go sometime in the next few days and we knew she was ready to go spiritually, physically and emotionally.
We decided to take a break and get something to eat. We planned to ring the home that evening and if necessary go back across or return again the next day depending on their advice - they were brilliant in caring for us as well as Mum. As we prepared to go something said to me "Don't kiss her goodbye, don't disturb her, she is totally relaxed and at peace" so we crept away blowing a kiss from the doorway.
We hadn't been home more than 5 minutes when the home rang to say she had gone. We went straight back over and she was in the exact same relaxed and peaceful position - the only difference was that obviously she was not breathing - her CD was still playing and as we went back into the room it was playing the hymn 'Going home'
It breaks my heart when I hear of elderly abuse and am so thankful that Mum had none of that. My brothers didn't care but we did. The care staff were wonderful. Her death was so calm and peaceful the only way to describe it is 'beautiful' as she had obviously just slipped away with no trauma or distress.
It really helps the grieving process when someone dies like that. We miss her so much - it was two years ago last week - but we cannot be sad for her and I really hope Faye that when the time comes it may be as beautiful as was the case with my darling Mum.
Keep up the good work my love and remember we are all here for you. God bless.

It helps if other family members are willing to share in this important care. My sister lives in Canada and the "burden" fell very much on me at 350 miles away to organise care and visit every half term/school holiday, even weekends when I would drive up on Friday (accommodating Head) stay saturday and drive home on Sunday. Sadly, at the last although my sister had actually flown back from Canada and was with me and my father when he died, she did not feel abe to stay and be with me for the funeral, leaving me to do all the aranging alone. Alone was very much how I felt too, especially when I took 2 urns of parents' ashes to the cemetery and buried them on my own.
On a more cheerful note, when our beloved labrador had to be put to sleep, it was handled very tactfully and caringly by our vet and Islay went to sleep in the arms of the person she loved and trusted most in the world. On coming home, I told DD how peaceful an end the dog had had and said one could not wish for better oneself. "Well Mum, when the time comes and you feel ready, just let me know and I'll pop you over to the vets"

Such lovely memories for you and your family em. That would be my ideal way to leave this world, in such a peaceful and comforting way

Faye you are now in the position that my sister and I were in nearly 4 years ago. We looked after Mum at her home until she had to go into hospital for treatment for an acute chest infection. She had COPD and really there wasn't much the hospital could do for her. She was quite well treated in hospital but for the 4 days she was there, was utterly miserable. So we took her home. She was totally compos mentis and insisted on signing the form that said she was discharging herself against doctor's advice. She had established that they couldn't do any more for her than we could at home. (With her GP's help, we'd set up the system to have oxygen cylinders supplied and had been shown how to administer it as needed). We took her home on Thursday and spent a pleasant, relaxed afternoon as she relished being in her own room. On Friday she seemed more confused but enjoyed a visit from all the grandchildren. On Friday evening my sister and I, with our sons, sat on her bed and held her hand as she slipped away. I am so pleased we could do that for her and my own children have assured me that they will do their utmost to see me off in the same quietly contented way. Things may be difficult for you in the next week or two but stay with it. You and your sister seem absolutely able to cope and in years ahead you'll be able to say, in all honesty, that you did your best for your mum.

My eldest sister, my brother and I had to step up and take over our mother's care as she became increasingly ill and frail in this last year. My mother was being abused in her own home by my second sister. I have written about it on Gransnet previously.

Now that my mother is in the final stages of her life, the doctor yesterday said Mum probably only has about two weeks to live. We know for us, we have done the right thing by not leaving her care up to others. My brother has also been at hand and helped. In the last four months my mother has lived at my sister's house and they have also been able to get as much help as possible, some of which is supplied by the government. (Showering, cleaner, special food etc).

It's not always easy to look after an elderly person, but pulling together has worked for us and especially my mother. Also my sister's house is very old, which my mother loves. The town is old and interesting and the surrounding countryside is lovely so my mother has enjoyed as much as she could in the circumstances, staying with my sister who has taken Mum out as much as possible. Mum also asked my sister to phone the second sister as she would like to see her. I think the circumstances in which a person passes on often determines how those left behind cope with the grieving process.

And Abbeyfield are offering free meals or even an overnight stay at their homes for any old people who may be alone at Christmas.

They were just talking about these people on Radio 2.

www.abbeyfield.com/pages/index.aspx

Can I book a place too please?

What a good idea! We could have our own 'commune'! I would happily do my bit for that!

MMM - I was just having similar thoughts on the i hate xmas thread about gransnet...

Will do, supernana xx

Carol and Quiltinggran...keep in touch. You never know...xx

A brilliant idea supernana It sounds ideal. A couple of friends and I have talked about doing something similar but have never got beyond the "wouldn't that be a great idea" stage!

Good idea supernana we could colonise a little community and make our own arrangments for how we receive care. Grey power!

greenmossgiel I would so love to live in a happy, peaceful, caring community of like-minded elderly persons. We could all have our own "patch" and be as busy or laid-back as we wish. Whenever a member needed assistance, he/she would know that the able-bodied are happy to help. I've got my eyes on a few GN - just in case...