Gransnet forums

Care & carers

refusal of help or care

(7 Posts)
burnleypip Fri 19-Apr-13 21:30:21

My nana and grandad are becoming increasingly ill and frail. They live in their own home and are cared for by my family. The problem is that they are no longer able to climb the stairs so a nurse suggested a bed downstairs which they refused. My grandad is very controlling and stubborn and sticks to my nana like glue. She became ill and the doctor said she had to go in hospital but he is frightened of her dying without him so he refused for her to go so we sent her ourselves. He has recently not been sleeping due to my nanas behavior and illness and has been yelling at my nana and family and pushing her around. My family can't cope and are becoming stressed and depressed as he is being awkward and abusive and refusing all help advice and treatment. Help!!!

FlicketyB Fri 19-Apr-13 22:21:19

Ring Age UK, Social Services and ask them to do an assessment and speak to the GP. Make absolutely sure you tell all these three groups that your Grandfather is becoming violent towards his wife. This should light all the blue touch papers and you should get an immediate response from all of them.

When you talk about your nana's behaviour, you do not explain what this behaviour is. Is she becoming less with it mentally? Not remembering what is said to her or not understanding, forgetting to do things; turn the gas off or lock the front door for example or doing irrational things; constantly turning all the lights off or something like that. If that is the case she may be developing dementia. If your nana's behaviour is keeping your grandfather awake at night, part of his problems may arise from sleep-deprivation or because he is exhausted coping with her behaviour.

What ever the problems, you need to seek help as soon as possible, start with Social Services and GP and then Age UK (used to be Age Concern).

It may be that they need carers in. Get Social Services in to organise . They will do an assessment of their income and savings (not the value of their house) to calculate how much they pay. They should qualify for a disability benefit for the elderly known as Attendance Allowance. The value of this varies according to their needs and income but could be worth between £50 and £80 a week EACH and if their income is low, even more

Keep us posted, I am the first (I think) of many Gransnetters who can help and advise you, so keep us posted.

burnleypip Fri 19-Apr-13 23:07:20

Thanks - my nana has Parkinson's dementia and recently a urine infection for which she is in hospital. My grandad has never been violent before and I think it's due to lack of sleep as she wakes him up several times a week. My uncle lives with them and gets paid to be their main carer. I think he's avoided ringing social services before now as he's been frightened of having his allowance taken away as he's retired early with no income. My main concerns are my grandparents welfare and their need to accept help - grandad won't listen to any advice from professionals and the welfare of my family who can't cope with the way he's behaving even though they're all doing their best and taking turns to look after them. Grandad has refused the idea of respite care to give the family a rest. My dad has only just recovered from severe depression and I'm worried about him relapsing and my Auntie says she can't cope and will top herself if it Carey's on.

ninathenana Sat 20-Apr-13 08:54:54

Attendance Allowance is not just for the elderly. My DGS receives it and he's 12mths old.
Reasure your uncle he will not loose his carers allowance if your grandparents have carers coming in. As to how you get grandad to agree to that. I'm very sorry I have no advice. I know from another forum I use that refusal of help in these situations is very common.
Good luck.

FlicketyB Sat 20-Apr-13 09:55:23

ninathenana, I am sorry, but you are wrong, Attendance Allowance is for the over 65s only, see the government website

Those under 65 get Disabled Living Allowance (DLA) and carers for people of all ages can get Carers Allowance. There are other benefits but these are the main ones that disabled people get.

Burnleypip You must speak to Social Services and your GP about the problems facing your family and, as I said contact Age UK. Your family must seek help at this difficult time and these are the people who can help you. There is no way problems like this can be dealt with without recourse to outside organisations. Your uncle's Carers Allowance will continue as long as he is living with your grandparents and helping them, even if carers are involved as well and even if his parents go into respite care for a week or so.

It may also be that your family have to give your grandfather an ultimatum, that if he does not accept respite care or other help, he will have to cope on his own as the care of him and his wife is destroying the health and welfare of other members of the family and they need a break.

I do understand the problems you are going through as I also have been involved in the care and welfare of elderly people and eventually having to move them into care because it became impossible to look after them safely at home.

ninathenana Sat 20-Apr-13 15:03:40

FB ok sorry my mistake got my AA and my DLA mixed up :-)

cathy Sat 20-Apr-13 21:55:46

They obviously love each other very much, what a sad story, I think your grandad could do with a bit of re asuurance and kindness to calm him down, he is obviously very scared of being without your Nanna