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Care & carers

Support for middle age offspring.

(9 Posts)
HUNTERF Wed 08-May-13 09:37:47

I was having a chat with a man in his mid 40's yesterday.
His father died about 6 months ago in a care home and he had been living in the same house as his father.
Both he and his father are widowed and as it happens he has 2 daughters like me.
When my mother passed away in a hospice we were offered the support of Bereavement Councillors etc but my father and myself only spoke to them once as we had the support of a large wider family.
This gent said he has the support of his daughters and some family but he said he has never been offered any support outside the family.
Is any such support available in the Birmingham area and should he have been offered support through the nursing home?.
When a parent and child is living together the death can have almost the same effect as losing a spouse.


Nonu Wed 08-May-13 09:40:03

Surely you of all folk would know if support is available !

Florence56 Wed 08-May-13 10:07:15

Hello - here goes, There are tragic deaths that come out of the blue that must be deeply distressing. A young child perhaps or a mother of toddlers. A fit athlete or an innocent victim of crime. All of these must cause dreadfull pain and I am sure those left behind will need lots of official as well as the usual family and friend based support.
However, are we in danger of seeing any death as something that requires councelling? Surely it is part of life and as such we need to educate each other in this inevitable stage of life. When an elderly person reaches the end of their life knowing they have made a half decent job of whatever they set out to do in life, is that not something we should accept as sad, regretful perhaps, a chance to mourn and reflect but, not unexpected and requiring some sort of state organised intervention?
I am not trying to be cold and callous, I just worry that as a society we are raising the next generation to fear death and see it as something alien and unacceptable.

nanaej Wed 08-May-13 10:24:21

CRUSE is available to those who need support.

annodomini Wed 08-May-13 10:35:02

i agree Florence. However, when my mother died, the person I should have been able to count on for support - my now-ex-husband - was completely useless and I eventually became depressed and had some anti-depressants to get me through a difficult period. When my dad died, my teenage sons were incredibly supportive and of course it was mutual because they were close to Grandpa. Family and friends - and an arm round the shoulders - count for more than any counsellor.

HUNTERF Wed 08-May-13 10:36:02


To be honest I have only helped people on the financial side of care and not on the support side.
The gent I spoke to had the support of his family but the subject just happened to come up.
Obviously I had the support of my daughters when my father died and people were coming up to me all the time saying I should hand the house over to his ex.
I can imagine it would be terrible if this happened to somebody completely on their own.


gracesmum Wed 08-May-13 11:13:37

Good point Florence - I think counselling is brilliant in the right place and heaven knows we have had too many centuries of gritting our teeth, stiff upper lips and "getting on with it" but I agree with you. I suppose it can also depend on what you mean by counselling. In the days when religion played a major part in most people's lives, the Church and its representatives did a good job, as did belief in the hereafter. But then we also got recourse to mediums and dodgy spiritualism because people couldn't accept letting go. Counselling doesn't cure anything but can help you to cope and some people are better at coping than others.For those who need it, CRUSE, bereavement counselling , Samaritans (you don't have to be suicidal)etc are all there plus other services like BLISS for I think, neonatal death. But I still agree with your point about "fearing" death even when it comes naturally at a good age after a long life.

Eloethan Wed 08-May-13 17:39:43

Though unexpected deaths or deaths at a young age are especially shocking and tragic, when someone elderly dies, it doesn't necessarily mean that their death has any less impact on those that loved them.

Unfortunately, people aren't always very good at talking to the bereaved and sometimes cliches like "he had a good innings" can be very hurtful.

Just having a family around you, doesn't necessarily mean that you want, or feel able, to unload your grief on them. I think that counselling is something that can be very helpful, and is usually better than just prescribing anti-depressants.

FlicketyB Wed 08-May-13 20:29:51

Even though you accept someone has died at the end of a long life, death still means that person has disappeared out of your life and you will never see them or communicate with them again. If that person is someone dear to you whose company and conversation were important to you then you will grieve deeply for them for a long time.

I attended an uncle's funeral yesterday' He died quite suddenly in his mid 80s. He was of sound mind to the end and he and his wife met at primary school and had been happily married for over 60 years. His wife is missing him and grieving every day. Half of her life and self have suddenly disappeared. He as left grown up children who loved him deeply, of course they grieve and she will miss him daily probably until she dies. That he died at an age when people do die is irrelevant.