she does need to move to care home.

Think I have mentioned this before but check if there are Admiral Nurses in your area. They specialise in the care of people with dementia and have dedicated staff to support carers.
Good luck and take care of yourselves too -that's for all the carers out there.

New Jersey is rather a long way to send our aged family members, ZelmaMeyer - and in any case joining GN to advertise your business is against the rules.

Reading all these posts brings back to me all the problems my parents and I had with Social Services when dad's cancer took control of his brain and mum couldn't cope. Promised care packages didn't materialise, visits and letters to/from GP didn't happen and my poor parents were put through hell. This was eight years ago. Then Age Concern were the greatest help.

The experience was so bad that when mum became really ill two years ago she refused any contact or involvement with Social Services and we managed without them. Support and advise from you GNetters was my lifeline (thanks Mishap) and helped salve the incredible feelings of guilt that I couldn't sort things out and make it better.

Part of the problem I think is that these days many of us are so much older when looking after ageing parents than our parents were. My mum was mid 40s when she was racing around after her parents and my father was fit. So many of us are caring for grandchildren and/or poorly partners and/or are not too fit ourselves. Social Services, GPs and the NHS don't seem to be able to take this on board. I do understand that most Social Workers are kind, caring people, but the pressure they are under and lack of resources means that if an offspring (especially a daughter) is on the scene they assume undivided help is readily at hand and it takes determination, anger and hysterics to get help.

Getting the GP on side is good, Age Concern are good for filling in forms and Norman Lamb MP is good too and likes to know of the problems being faced as it gives him an insight as to what's happening on the ground.

Galen - I am sorry that your recent experience has been so bad. We had a similar thing with Dad where we knew that they were ignoring Dad's bell - indeed they often just switched it off - it was a disgrace. But we got him out of there - it was a place that the health authority had chosen and paid for, not our choice. I made sure the HA knew what rubbish they were funding.

He went home for a short while with a huge package of care, but then went to a care home that we had chosen with care and he was very happy there.

Thank you for all your advice and reassurance, so much of what you all say rings true for my Mum and it's helpful to know of similar experiences. My sister and I had another difficult day with Mum but we are happy with the care home and staff, they do seem to be doing all they can to help with the settling in process so we have to hope that in time she will settle.

Sue - we had the same problem of agonising about finding a care home for Dad - he agreed it was needed - but his live-in carer would say "Oh you don't want to do that, stay here with me." I spoke to the agency who employed her and said this was unprofessional and that the family along with Dad had thought this through and made the right decision and it was down to the carer to support that. The agency was horrified at what their employee was saying and sorted her out.

To those of you seeking a care home for your parents/relatives - do not feel guilty. I have seen many elderly people thrive in a home - you have to work hard at finding the right one, but it can be the best decision you have ever made. It was for both my parents, even though with Mum it involved her being separated from Dad. She had no idea who he was by that time anyway.

The dream of living in one's own home surrounded by family was reasonable when people did not live so long and severe dementia did not have time to set in. People with severe dementia cannot be cared for at home without an unacceptable toll on those around them (who are often themselves getting on a bit) and having their safety compromised. That is why it is so important that the quality of care homes is properly monitored and proper enforcement procedures are in place.

A care home can be a good option - there is no place for guilt. There is more than one way of discharging your responsibilities to loved ones.

My MIL is 101 this year and has no physical disease processes but does get confused at times and is very stubborn. She is an extra care housing complex (own flat daily lunch and a bit of shopping) We augment this with twice a week housework and when she began to neglect personal hygiene with occasional incontinence the Community Matron assessed her as needing social care which is means tested so she pays for that from attendance allowance. When the carers come each day she refuses to let them do anything other than make her toast and check her meds. We don't know when she last had a wash let alone the daily shower she is supposed to be having. She looks neglected and grubby. We really feel its time for a care home and we have several very good ones here (I used to inspect them and manage several so I know a good one when I see one) and we could then visit much more often. She refuses but that's not the difficult part we could get over that with persuasion. The difficulty is the housing assistants where she lives keep telling her they don't want her to go and they can keep her there for as long as she wants. My frustration is that these untrained unqualified people are saying this at the same time as complaining that she rings her alarm bell all night long and doesn't want anything when someone goes to her as she is sitting up all night in her clothes watching TV. The GP colludes with this, visits quite regularly gives her a prescription for antibiotics which she doesn't need and says she can do what she wants. DH is at his wits end with it.

Bibi Sorry to read about your mum. My mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia about 5yrs ago. She spent the last 7 mths of her life in a lovely residential home. She initially resisted the move but after a few days she settled. She fortunately never asked to go home, but constantly asked 'to go somewhere nice'
To answer your question, everyone living with dementia is different. Some of the members of another forum I use say their loved ones do eventually accept that this is now their home, others will continue to ask to leave. People cope by telling them little white lies 'the doctor says you need to stay so they can sort your medication/do tests etc.' 'we're having some work done on the house, you can come home when it's ready' this and changing the subject will often be enough to settle them, until the next time !
I hope your mum does accept being there very soon.

I should have mentioned that the hospital bed was positioned in the kitchen !! As arranged when the occupational nurse and the social worker did a 'home visit' to inspect the house before mum was discharged with a 'Care Package.'

My mother developed dementia and gradually she also became unable to use the stairs to get to her bedroom, the bathroom was downstairs. She was double incontinent. At one point she was admitted to hospital, assessed, and they said she could manage at home 'with a care package'.

I lived 30 miles distant, in a house with stairs, worked full-time, divorced single parent with son just starting uni and still living at home with me. I went to see her 3 times a week, took her laundry home and took food and toiletries etc to her. I cleaned the house as best I could and kept the front garden in some sort of order. The SS provided a hospital bed with rails, and various pieces of equipment.

A very good neighbour called in with her every morning at 6.30 and several times during the day, and closed her blinds at night, and several times rang me at 6.30am as mum had fallen and been on the floor for goodness knows how long. I would go down and do what I could and then back the 30 miles to get to work. Work was getting fed up with me. Also I was receiving lengthy phone calls from social workers, assessment doctors, etc.

Eventually when sorted, Carer came in 4 times each day (15 minutes) mother told carer she was already washed, said she had already eaten. (Meals on wheels called and the fridge was full on uneaten food). Incontinence pads were left everywhere. I put rubber sheeting on sofa covered it with a blanket.

SS still said she was ok with Care Package.
One day I got a phone call from Senior Soc. Worker who was 'concerned' about mother. Duty Soc Worker had made a routine call to the house, knocked on door and mother answered wearing only an incontinence pad. Poor mum, and she was such a private person.
Immediate, that day, Snr Soc Worker made arrangements and mum was taken into the 'geriatric assessment unit' and deemed in need of care. She had to be there for a few weeks until the new financial year and when the new years' funding would be available. Mum eventually went into a care home at the end of the street where I lived. She wasn't happy, it was heartbreaking. She was very confused but always knew me and my husband (I was remarried). She asked to come home with me and hubby and she'd look after our house while we worked and have our dinner ready each evening. She wouldn't eat and the staff would phone me to come down and talk with her, coax her to eat, but she looked at me blankly and just asked could she come home with me. I saw her every evening after work. After 6 weeks she took an infection and was taken to hospital. Septicemia took its' toll after 3 weeks.

It took the crisis to get help and care. The Care Home was very highly recommended to us by locals and by family who had worked there. Did she get an infection in the Care Home ?? I don't know. I do know that she couldn't stay in her own home.

And what choices do we have. We have choices but not many that we are happy making.

I tried to do everything, and sibling who lived only 4 miles from mum called in every few weeks, read the paper for 10 minutes and left. Sibling and I are very close but at that time mum's previous difficult nature had come home to roost and sibling made sibling's own choices. I paid the good neighbour to keep garden and hedges in order (from mum's own funds). My own head was 'turned' and as a previous poster mentioned, at one point I thought I was going to become a patient myself.

Go to GP, Age UK, make a noise, make a nuisance of yourself in order to get attention. Get advice from anywhere possible. And don't go on a guilt trip.

A friend's mother is at roughly the same stage as yours, similar story but has now been in a home for a couple of months. She was absolutely fine once she started to take medication, I can't remember what it was offhand. A mild sedative anyway. As soon as she had been taking it for a week or so she settled in very happily. Before then she was quite violent and must have been depressed. She was hiding it very well from her daughters for ages when they rang her, but when they went to stay they noticed that things were getting a little odd.

She owns her house, her daughters are taking it in turns to live there for a week or so at a time and they are being advanced money from the prospective sale of it to pay for the care. However as long as they continue to live in the house it doesn't have to be sold. So they pop in to see their mother for a couple of hours every day. Partners are NOT happy, but the alternative is that they attempt to care for a 97 year old in houses with lots of stairs, one of them is lethal, I have stayed there. I hear about it almost on a daily basis from my friend, she has had a dreadful time convincing social workers that her mother needs care, but has had huge problems finding somewhere to take her. Her mother babbles complete rubbish for hours with my friend, then straightens up and is pretty normal when being interviewed. Currently my friend is having to arrange for a tea party with the Queen - for an elderly woman who has been anti-royalty all her life!

My mother developed Alzheimers disease almost 4 years ago; she lives alone in a block of flats, I live 60 miles away on the other side of the country and my sister also lives at quite a distance and doesn't drive. We have managed her care with support for this time with difficulty but it's no longer sustainable; she is getting worse, my sister is recovering from cancer and my husband has Parkinson's.

On the advice of doctor and social worker a care home was recommended as they felt her health and safety was at considerable risk as well as safety of others in the flats above her. She has always been extremely resistant to going into care and is in complete denial about her condition, nevertheless we persuaded her that on the doctor's advice she should go in for a short period for her health to be assessed! - this is to be a 4 week assessment with a view of her remaining permanently and we were fortunate enough to get a place in a care home that came recommended.

She has been in for 2 weeks and is constantly asking to go home, crying and hating it. It is so upsetting for her and us if we phone or she manages to call us that this week on the advice of the care staff we only phoned and spoke to her once. The staff are very nice and say that it's early days, that most of the time she is OK and it's always the family that has to bear the brunt of the distress and quite usual at this stage but it's so difficult to deal with. We have little choice as the social worker insists that she can't continue to live alone at home and regretfully we have to tough it out. Does anyone out there have any advice on how to deal with this, will she eventually accept the situation?

SS will pay or part pay if your mum is on benefits or pension credit however if she has medical needs it can be paid in full but its a minefield and needs professional help like Age UK or DIAL The doctor is the first port of call to say that she needs full time care , if she doesn't fit the criteria for 24 hour care you can get care in the home again financially supported by SS if she is on benefits of any kind

michellejane1 - to return your query about lack of funding have you thought about getting assistance from charities. For example, if mum or your dad were in the Forces then SAFRA will help. My father was a member of the tailors union for over 40 years and when the time came they gave him some support.

Back to the original post - would your mother's GP make a recommendation? Would that carry any weight?
One reason for ss's refusal could be financial. Unless the family can afford to fund her care (as they're expected to do in France.)

That's what I tell my GD, BlueBelle.

Just to bring a light hearted note to this very sad thread Can you imagine when the next generation are in care homes with their pierced tongues and nipples, plugged earlobes and very saggy tattoos everywhere

Soutra I don't even want to think about that.

BE OPTOMISTIC, Soutra, we do not know what is store , good or bad !!

Oh dear this does not bode well for our own futures does it? However sad I was to lose my parents and in laws when we did, I am so grateful they (and we) were spared these agonies. It is truly shameful.

Thank you Nellie and BlueBelle. We live in Staffordshire. When I contacted the county council for advice last year I was told to go to Age Uk. I've looked on their website again today and the information seems to have been updated. I'll get onto it on Monday. Thank you.

BlueBelle You have to know your limits in such a situation and you do.

So much of the stress in caring depends on the history of your relationship with your parents. Where a parents behaviour is aggressive or difficult it can be a lot easier for a non relative to deal with this.
They can feel more at a distance and take the flak as a professional not as personal and harsh comments from your parent.

Go to your GP he/she should set everything in motion Drangonfly

Dragonfly Where do you live? It is a duty of your local council to provide information on this.