Advice please, mother's house getting very uncared for

sorry not lad but lady

When my mum was struggling with the housework, not being able to bend due to bad knee and bad back etc., I suggested to her that there maybe a local lady who would be glad of a few pounds to help her one day a week. Not particularly happy she did agree when I said maybe she could help her with the jobs that were getting difficult for her, and suggested she made a list for when the lad came to help. Success and looked forward to their chats.

Well, I'm going tomorrow, armed with surface wipes, and will try to get a couple of bits of woodwork sneakily wiped over. Trying to do it unseen is going to be a challenge, (as I can't do it otherwise), but occasionally she has nodded off in her armchair before I've arrived. I'm not trying to impose my standards, she has always been a fairly fanatical cleaner, which is what makes it so noticeable now. Once we get a bit nearer Christmas I'll suggest the spring cleaning "before you get the decorations out"..... tin hat at the ready

My mother is 92 and the same. She has AMD. Is registered partially sighted (Not happy about that) She point blankly refuses any suggestion of us helping her clean. Her kitchen is grubby and sticky. The loo too. I despair. She walks to town every day...risking life and limb when crossing the roads.

I'm not young any more and I would hate my daughter to think that as I age my home is getting dirty and cob-webby! But it has a lot to do with our eyesight. My husband won't put his glasses on when he offers to wash up after the family have been over for dinner - and often the pots and pans haven't been cleaned properly .....and he doesn't see the dried on particles of food! There is no gentle way to say "you are not doing the washing up properly" - it just starts a row and doesn't really achieve anything, least of all cleaner pots and pans! Our house itself does stay clean and tidy - it has a regular cleaning every two weeks from a dear lady who runs her own cleaning service. If this didn't happen I don't think I would have the incentive to get into cleaning through from top to bottom every couple of weeks - I think it's one of the best treats I can give myself! I wonder why old people think it's so shameful to deligate this task and pay someone else to clean the house?

Luckily DM has a Cleaner 2 hours every 2 weeks so her house is ok.

I hate housework always have done. I prefer to be out in the garden. My DD is aware of this & I look forward to the day I can justify having a cleaner. I do the basics, bathroom is clean as is the kitchen & washing is always done. I can't offer any solution but do agree that any cleaning will have to be done sneakily or you could end up with a fall out

My uncle who I cared for was very much the same, he was also quite cantacerous. I would never accept a cup of tea as I wasn't sure if the cup had be cleaned properly! It was a slow process but on each visit, I would offer to wash the cups "while you watch your favourite programme", then on another visit I would pick up the week's newspapers off the floor near his chair, on the pretext I wanted to read the week's news, I would flick through them and then neatly fold them, he would then say "don't bother folding them just throw them away"!! In the end after quite some time, I was able to paint and put up new curtains! So slowly, slowly catchy monkey!

Take some Dettol wipes in your handbag and when you use the bathroom have a sneaky clean of the loo. When you wash up your cup wipe over work surfaces. When your Mum goes to the loo quickly wipe over doors with wipes. You will have to be sneaky and quick and just do small bits at a time.

Could someone take her out for coffee whilst you quickly dealt with the cobwebs? I like the idea of tidy as you go - I have a granddaughter who is scared of spiders (great excuse to tidy things up without offence).

I just don't get this 'refusing to let family clean your house' malarky! If my daughters offer to do any extra stuff for me, I take it up like a shot. Who wants to clean their house if they don't have to!!!

I would just love to get the “60 minute make over team” into my Mums !! However, as they film responses, her response would just be too embarrassing, as she would so resent all her “ stuff” being moved or touched. As subtlety does not work, I have even been blunt about the volume of “ stuff” everywhere, and I have also joked about how long it will take us to clear/clean the place while she is laying comfortably in her coffin. Something must have registered as she said that now I am retired would I have time to help her sort it all out, after years of her refusing any sort of intervention, this is a great step forward !

My Mother in law was still in her own home till she was 97, she would barely let me set foot in the kitchen which had been her domain. She went berserk if we asked if we could help in any way, eventually her 2 daughters attacked the place, both blaming the other for the state it was in. It's great to respect folk, but sometimes the family has to step in. You have my sympathy!

My MIL's main concern about getting a cleaner in when she was incapacitated was that the cleaner would be working for others in the village and report on the state of the house

It doesn’t matter if it’s a bit dusty or untidy but obviously if it’s a health hazard that’s different. Clean the bathroom every time you go , just tell her ur going to the loo. Tidy the kitchen when u make a cuppa or lunch, a bit at a time. Or take her out, get someone to do a couple hours cleaning in main bits, tell her after it was a present and u sometimes get urs done that way. Celebrate the fact she is still independent and knows what’s going on. My mum had dementia and couldn’t understand that a toilet needed to be cleaned, kept asking me why I cleaned a toilet, why I swept floor etc, never understood she had to change her clothes, heartbreaking.

All my grandchildren have been told about how useful cobwebs are, as antiseptic to heal wounds. Not that I ever use them as that, but it's a good story. Miss Muffet's dad was a doctor and he used them. That's apocryphal, by the way, about little Miss Muffet. He only had step daughters.
They can also help blood clotting, as they have lots of vitamin K.

I think if I were the older person in my grubby house...
1) I'd appreciate being told directly that the place was grubby and i needed a cleaner...
2) What MIGHT soften the blow and assuage my pride is if the information came from my grandchildren...

I do think that would be a softer, more acceptable blow... and I know i'd listen to them and accept the help

I think the important thing to remember is that it is HER home and should be respected as such. It might not be to your standards or liking, but be grateful that she is still standards

We had this with MIL, I know I've said before on GN. She was fiercely independent too, with the emphasis on fierce. She got tummy upsets which must have been due to this but she couldn't see why - dementia was eventually diagnosed.
Tessa101 BIL tried this, he got a friend to take her out for lunch (out for four hours which made her suspicious) and when she got home the place sparkled BUT they stupidly left bottles of antiseptic this'n'that in every room. She was outraged - 'how dare they' in her opinion it was clean before. No, it jolly well wasn't.
When we put the kettle on we'd do a bit of 'secret cleaning' in the kitchen while waiting for it to boil BUT if you took too long she'd come into the room and catch you at it. Again she'd be annoyed. She was a very domineering character. Eventually we'd 'pretend' to have a cuppa with her or we'd get gippy tummy too. Tact is required.

Thanks for all the useful suggestions. I think I will attempt the spring cleaning idea, as there is less implication that standards have slipped. If that doesn't work, we may well have to invite her out while the worst bits are cleaned. We want to help, not hurt her feelings. I do wonder sometimes if her eyesight is all it should be, but she does have regular opticians appointments.

All good ideas I think the one about spring clean before Christmas and asked to lunch and dinner is a good idea.
I would love someone to do mine, I am fed up with housework and h is not good at helping apart from giving the bathroom a good clean.
Hope you get something sorted.

My DGS is the cobweb hunter here (he's 9...!) I live rurally, so get lots of little spiders/webs near my ceiling. I remove them with a feather duster on a stick - but DGS always manages to find some that I've missed - so when he visits, I hand him the duster as he comes in, and he sorts it out for me...! Life's too short....

Clean as you go, use the wet wipe things that are anti bacterial and she won't notice what is going on.

Is her eyesight deteriorating?

Prided not priced.

It’s a fat finger day today,

Good advice from trisher - though it might be worth running the ‘Spring’ clean for Christmas idea past her too.

I recently stayed with my 92 year old aunt in Scotland. She priced herself on being able to keep her house ‘spik and span’ but I knew there were things she couldn’t see. Managed to do a bit of cleaning ‘undercover’ as suggested in this thread.