Gransnet forums

Care & carers

Advice please on what to do

(13 Posts)
jeanie99 Sun 17-Dec-17 19:15:20

Could anyone offer advice with regards to my brother?
I have two nieces and a nephew all in their late 50s and still working. N1 works shifts living over 100 miles away, N2 about 5 miles away and my nephew lives over 10 miles from where my brother lives.
My husband and I are in our 70s and we live almost two hundred miles away so cannot help with this problem.
My brother as led a very selfish life only ever considering his needs, he treated my SIL appallingly during her lifetime. She died mainly because he insisted they travel by road to Europe when clearly she was too ill to travel the result was she died while coming back. My nephew hasn’t spoken to his father for some years now because of this.
I am amazed my brother has daughters who still worry about him considering the way he treated then when they were young.
The problem now is my brother is in his 80s with health issues which he needs hospital treatment for. N2 who lives the nearest has a heart condition and he has caused her so much stress with his drop everything and see to me attitude that she collapsed and was taken into hospital.
N1 travels between shifts when she can but he is so ungrateful for everything the family have tried to do.
I suggested having someone morning and evening to check on him of course he would have to pay for this but he will not part with any money to make it easier for the girls.
Meals on wheels would also help him.
He lives alone in his own property but the house is in a disgusting state and was even when my SIL was alive because he would not allow her to move anything, he’s a hoarder.
N1 rang me today so distressed not knowing what to do and fearing for the health of her sister.
I am not sure how anything works and wondered if social care could help with this. Does anyone have experience of having to deal with a problem like this?

tiredoldwoman Sun 17-Dec-17 19:35:23

This horror of a man deserves no attention or thought . He should be abandoned !
But it's not what we do is it , we run to help , no matter how we've been treated ?
Maybe ask for a referral to a social worker , to ease the work for the family ? I can show no compassion for him , he reminds me of my ex husband .
What a dreadful situation for your lovely family .

silverlining48 Sun 17-Dec-17 19:39:17

I woukd Suggest someone phones the local to your brother social services adult services duty officer to discuss options. They would then hopefully visit him to discuss what help there may be available. Also a call to his gp might be a good idea to explain the situation.
Of course if he refuses help then they will not be able to do anything, but that would then be his decision. Sometimes people say they wont have help to family expecting they will then help, but if a care manager visits then they often do agree.
Try not to worry, there isnt much you can do from such a distance.

judypark Sun 17-Dec-17 20:50:34

I find it strange that your nieces in their fifties are looking to you, being in your 70s and living 200 miles away are seeking a solution from you.
Sounds like your brother has got his deserved Karma.
You are not responsible for this selfish man and neither are his daughters, surely in their 50s they are capable of sourcing available services without seeking the aid of an aunt who lives many miles away.
My gut feeling is that your nieces are on the point of abandoning him and yet wish to pass the responsibility on to another remaining family member, sadly this seems to be you.
Please step back, he has made his life choices and needs to live with the consequences.

FarNorth Sun 17-Dec-17 21:05:25

I think judypark is right and N1 hopes that you will take responsibility for your brother in some way.
N1 should contact social services and explain the situation re her own distance and her sister's ill health.

M0nica Mon 18-Dec-17 20:06:30

Your nieces need to tell SS that because of their health problems and distance from him they can no longer be responsible for his care and that SS must takeover.

You or they could also go to their local branch of Age UK to ask for advice

When I worked for a charity for the elderly I was asked to visit an elderly man with 6 children, none of whom would have anything to do with him because of the domestic violence they and their mother had been subject to at his hands. In the end SS got involved and took over his care.

I do not get the impression that his daughters are trying to dump the problem on the OP, more that they need to talk to someone else in the family about the problem and OP is the only one available. It is not always easy to talk to others about what a rotten father you had and all his faults and imperfections.

jeanie99 Tue 19-Dec-17 00:11:00

Thank you so much for your comments, I intend speaking to my niece tomorrow and pass on the suggestions you have made.
Very much appreciated

jeanie99 Wed 27-Dec-17 08:12:10

Nieces arranged for SS to see my brother she had him fill a form in to claim carers allowance. N1 thinks he will just put it in his bank account and not use it for it's purpose. They suggested Wilshire Farm meals.
I seem to remember meals on wheels years ago is this not something that is used now for the elderly.

OldMeg Wed 27-Dec-17 08:35:55

Your niece obviously turned to you for advice, nothing more. I’d advise them to put theur health first. Having a carer’s allowance is hardly a solution to the problem. If you can persuade them to do far less and get SS to pick up the burden you’d be doing them a favour.

I normally feel that families ought to support their own in old age and in times of need. But this miserable old scrounge needs a dose of him own medicine,

GracesGranMK2 Wed 27-Dec-17 08:37:21

It might be worth being aware that it is not true that SS can do nothing if he does not agree. If they deem it necessary they can assess his mental capacity. We are going through this at the moment with my dear mother. It isn't fun (British understatement) as she has no idea why we are not allowing her to cook her meals and, to be honest, I no longer feel sure we can keep her in her own home. Without her co-operation I cannot see this happening as she sees no reason why. What has given me solace it the very fact that her mental capacity CAN be assessed for her safety and it may give your nieces some too.

chelseababy Wed 27-Dec-17 14:52:25

I think meals on wheels is now Apetito - or it is round here anyway. We tried them for my mum but she wasn't keen though a friends dad has them and they also deliver a sandwich for his tea.

jeanie99 Thu 28-Dec-17 01:59:59

I have said to the girls to ignore his ranting and let him get on with it.
If they jump every time he rings they are supporting his tantrums.
I am going to ring my brother but need to keep my temper.
He is forever wanting to come stay with us but I will not have him here and have told him exactly why but it's like water off a ducks back, he just doesn't listen thinks he's always right in everything.

WilmaKnickersfit Thu 28-Dec-17 02:33:37

I agree with GracesGran that even if he refuses help Social Services can still step in. If his welfare is at risk and it sounds like it is, then even though he owns his home he can be moved out. If his home is not fit for habitation and his health is an issue, he can be moved to more suitable accommodation. It requires legal action by SS, so it's not a quick process.

There was a distressing case last year of an 87 year old woman evicted from her housing trust property because of her hoarding. It was considered to be a fire hazard and a danger to her, neighbouring property and visitors. It took 3 years of going through the courts to remove her from the property. She was moved temporarily to a Travel Lodge and although the courts decided she could return to the property, sadly she died of septicemia before the property was ready.

The basic principle of your brother's circumstances are the same. Your nieces and nephew needs to get SS involved, but tell them they want nothing more to do with your brother and pass the responsibility to them. If they imply they're around to assist SS, they will end up running ragged through the whole process. Of course, it's up to you as a family how you want to handle the situation, but I would step away as soon as possible. Best of luck. flowers