Frustrated with mum refusing help.

It's very frustrating when an elderly parent pretends they can manage, but still wants frequent family visits. It takes some honesty and humility to ask for help with stuff, and I could respect my 92 year old mother if she would tell us what she struggles with, and would like help with, instead of providing us with untruths. She hid her cancer for about 5 years. My brother and I help but get no recognition of our assistance, and have to go in like steam rollers doing stuff in the house, with some protests from my mother, who can do little for herself now. I really sympathise with you.

It's very frustrating when an elderly parent pretends they can manage, but still wants frequent family visits. It takes some honesty and humility to ask for help with stuff, and I could respect my 92 year old mother if she would tell us what she struggles with, and would like help with, instead of providing us with untruths. She hid her cancer for about 5 years. My brother and I help but get no recognition of our assistance, and have to go in like steam rollers doing stuff in the house, with some protests from my mother, who can do little for herself now. I really sympathise with you.

It was such a relief to me that my mum had said that if dad died first, she wanted to go into a home.
She wS struggling at home and did not want help. I was working full time, living 80 miles away, so what I could do was limited, though she did accept help from me, yet would not pay for help. The out of date food rings lots of bells.

She had a new lease of life in the Home. Company, no housework and no worries about where the next meal was coming from. Even a few outings and treats laid on.

Wow Washerwoman so proud of you, your doing great.I'm in a similar position with my mum, not too bad in herself, but very stubborn ! I looked in her fridge yesterday and saw some dubious looking coleslaw, got it out to check the date, it had already been reduced, and was 10 days out of date,I said for goodness sake mum, there's no need for this, your going to make yourself really ill, her reply was , don't put me off it, it's fine.The trouble is I don't know if she couldn't see the date, and was just too proud to ask , but there again she has a magnifying glass to use if need be.I think the stand your taking is the only way to go, and just hope for the best .Good luck.

An update for those good enough to reply to my original frustrations.I have stepped back somewhat and given up suggesting help for mum.I call in when it's convenient, but most days phone first a quick chat and to check she's ok.I took her to audiology to sort her hearing aids out recently and as she clung to me and commented on how bad her hip and mobility were getting my only comment was 'yes mum.I don't know how you manage your housework, bed changing etc.but never mind I'm sure you will tell us us if you need help' and left it at that.She said I'm becoming such a nuisance.To which I cheerily replied 'not at all mum.I don't care how many hospital or shopping trips I have to take you on,but if you decide you need help in the house that's for you to sort out.isn't it ?'
I'm very much of the mindset recently that between work,two very early starts to sort my DGC plus other help with her as DD works long shifts,plus a big garden and my own house to maintain I'm not wasting precious energy stressing about her.I'm pretty certain as things deteriorate further there will be time for that.
At the risk of sounding hardened I've concluded that mum retired at 60 with no elderly relatives but my paternal grandma, who but for the last year she took some meals to before she went into a home.And whilst a lovely grandma to our children babysat sporadically,and didn't have to provide essential care to enable me to work.I've been able to reduce my hours but my job is pretty physical and the reality of the shifting of the state pension means at least another 7 years until I can even hope to retire.So rather than calling in each day I'm freeing up some time for me,even if just to read in the bath for half an hour and find some equilibrium. And have informed DBs ,who go away far more,that's the case.And have just booked a holiday for DH and I and informed them I won't be around those dates.Which is more than they do !

No you don’t sound negative Washerwoman - luckily Aunt loves and outing. I don’t live anywhere near them but there is a huge extended family near her which helps.

Yes OldMeg.That is a strategy we've considered.My biggest problem is I still work Monday to Friday so would have to get it done at the weekend if I was taking her out.One brother did suggest the other brother taking her out for the afternoon whilst we blitzed the place.The trouble recently is that both brothers have been away-both retired - and it feels one step forward and two steps back with them.I'm sounding negative but also mum used to love 'a little outing' but really takes some persuading just to come to mine for an hour or two.But still an idea to consider.
Laziness - that sounds so hard for you.I'm so sorry.A friend is in a similar situation.Her mum is very demanding,insisting on no outside help but ringing her for every little thing ,sometimes several times a day.As I said initially on I'm a lot better off than many on the carers threads ,for certain.Who knows what's to come next ?

So sorry Laziness girl.I know how hard it is to try and stay positive and strong, it must be the most difficult thing in the world to balance your own life and the needs of parents.As an only child I have struggled with this for the last 33 year and never quite managed it.Hope you find some strength from somewhere.Take care of yourself .

Hi washerwoman I had a phone call from my cousin just before Christmas and she was telling me the situation with her 93 year old mother, which sounds remarkably like your mum. Fiercely independent, partially blind, very deaf and thinks she managing ok by herself, when she patently is not.

She described her fridge as a public health hazard with food well past its ‘use by’ date and suspects her mother’s sense of smell isn’t too good either,

The solution, after a lot of discussion with other family members might sound a tad Machiavellian (sp?) but it was agree that once a forthnight someone would take her out to lunch and for a bit of shopping and during that time a cleaner would come in and do a couple of hours.

It’s working very well and Aunt hasn’t even noticed.

Washerwoman my heart goes out to you and everyone else in difficult situations with elderly relatives on here. My mother of 93, a very strong minded and independant woman until 5 years ago and wouldn't accept help or advice. She gradually became debilitated, and after a fall downstairs unable to walk at all. She has carers four times a day, but it is a living nightmare for me and my brother who lives nearest to her. She would rather sacrifice the family than go into a nursing home and I feel as if I'm on the edge of a breakdown. About to go and see her in hospital after her latest crisis yesterday when they admitted her because she kept calling paramedics because she felt "ill"! Sorry about such a negative post but my message is to try not to feel guilty or responsible and above all prioritise your own needs because it's so easy to become resentful however much you care.

Oh I do feel for you washerwoman, a lot of what you say resonates with me .Mum recently lost her hearing aid, and just last week had new ones fitted, they are so much better than old ones which were only two years old, I didn't think there would be much difference, but she can definitely hear a lot better.Hope you get your mum sorted.

Yes MesMop I agree about allowing personal freedom and choice to go too far re driving.I've posted previously about DH's aunt who was adamant she was fit to drive at nearly 90,bought a new car and in the space of a month demolished a neighbours wall and mounted a pavement and nearly hit someone.DH had a quiet word with her GP as he knew she was going for various appointments.She wouldn't have stopped otherwise.
Likewise my frustration with mum is that's it's fine on the one hand for her to keep saying I'm OK ,don't worry about me.But her utter refusal to accept some modification to her lifestyle are necessary at 96 ,and her attitude that help,or an alarm-the latest suggestion rejected -is actually a tad selfish.Especially when my brothers are away it's always on my mind is she ok ?My brother actually said the other day it's souring his relationship with her recently. He has less patience, but to be fair has done a lot in practical terms eg her garden,maintenance. But he finds sitting there doing endless chit chat seeing the place needs a jolly good clean frustrating,and won't even have a cup of tea or use the loo.So his visits get shorter,and he said the other day 'Well she can bloody well get on with it.I will just stick my head round the door to check she hasn't toppled over every now and again.'Anyway the latest is she's lost a hearing aid, and the one she has got seems useless.So I've offered to take her to get that sorted.So far she's been going to make an appointment-I suggested a home visit if she preferred-but hasn't done so I'm wondering wether to 'interfere' and sort one.It's another 'oh I can manage ' and 'well at my age what do you expect, but I won't be here much longer anyway 'situation. Grr!In the meantime she's unable to hear half the time,and it's a case repeating and straining your voice to be heard.A far from unique experience though from what other people say !

It’s so very very hard to get older people to accept help when they don’t want it, despite the need for it., What does concern me is when I see people that are far too old and infirm behind the wheel of a car. God forbid they crash into another vehicle and kill or seriously injure those in the other vehicle. I do think that if my parent was unfit to drive I would just take those keys and they would not get them back. I have heard of terrible accidents claiming the lives of people and young children, some pedestrians, because of unfit and aged drivers., I think that’s allowing personal freedom and choices to go too far. I really do sympathise with those that have parents requiring help. It’s a terrible spot to be placed in.

Empathise. My experience is that the key to being able to stay at home (even when it is as difficult as this) is an accessible toilet and shower with the appropriate aids and safety features. The local council may do this for fee and very quickly. A bargain often appeals. I gave up on dirty kitchens and in fact just after giving up was allowed then welcome to provide small homemade meals to heat up. These gave visits a real purpose and if I ate too, a social event. The loo and shower were the deal breakers tho. I am glad you have your siblings. would your mum listen to her Vicar? Or talk. Just an idea.

Thanks for replying, sounds as if you've at least found one that she can get along with .My mum is very deaf too so I need one you can turn the volume up too, curently she's turning the volume off and cutting us off.I'll have a look at age Uk.

It's an old one that belonged to DHs parents.Nothing fancy.Just large push buttons and simply pick up the receiver to answer.Will look next time I go,but it's been in our garage for ages.I've plugged it in in the meantime and so far much better,she's not fumbling to answer and cutting me off.However I was going to contact Age UK as I'm pretty certain they will be able to advise on phones for the visually impaired ?May still do that tbh.

Hi there could you tell me the make of phone that you have mentioned please, I am trying to find mum a new one I have returned three already, she insists there broken, but work while I'm there .

Same for me with my mum. She didn't have dementia either, but she almost drove me out of my mind!
I promised my daughter i'll go to a retirement complex or something as soon as I feel I'm ready. I'd go now if I could!

Thanks Miss A.I'll be totally honest it's as much for my own peace of mind to put some strategies in place.Her mantra is 'you're busy enough ,you don't have to worry about me'.She doesn't have dementia.and for that I'm grateful,But makes her stubbornness more frustrating in a way.Making notes to self for when I'm older !

Ah, you have my sympathy, and so does your mum. its so sad watching them struggle when things could be easier.

Quick update. The new kitchen is not going ahead.Not so DSIL who is lovely with mum but loves to put her spoke in and just sees her every few weeks persuaded her it would be too much.Would have taken 1/2 weeks max and she could have easily stayed with us.Mum I'm convinced is of the attitude that she really won't be here much longer.Well that's as may be ,but I also feel she could live to be 100 like DHs grandma but increasingly frail.But we've reached an impasse regards any help.And tbh at the moment I don't feel like creating an argument or atmosphere. Sadly I think it will take some crisis for her to accept her frailty.In the meantime I've replaced her phone with a simpler one that is louder and buttons larger and more visible,as she was becoming uncontactable as always pressing the wrong button and cutting us off.I've suggested an alarm and we told effectively that's for really old people !However today I popped in to say hello to be told when asking how she was that 'my eyes are a lot worse you know,and I'm struggling to walk today'Oh dear Mum I said.Would you like a hand with anything,shall I change your bed and take the washing (she has no tumble drier)No,no said she.I can manage .I give up !

A BiL of mine had an elderly aunt like this. She was always reasonably clean and dressed nicely enough but the house was so dirty that my sister would have to don her rubber gloves and attack the loo before they could bring themselves to use it - kitchen and everywhere else was as bad.

Eventually sister and Bil - who,lived a long drive away and couldn't visit anything like often, told her they would stay at a B&B 'to save her trouble'.

There was no dementia, but the aunt's eyesight was poor and they thought she simply didn't see the dirt. However she was apparently quite happy, didn't want cleaners in, or any other strangers poking around her things, and obviously they couldn't force it.

It was probably best for her that she fell ill (not dirt related!) and died quite suddenly, otherwise eventually she'd have probably have had to leave the home where she'd lived from a child, and go into a care home.

This sort of situation can be intensely frustrating, but if there's no dementia I think sometimes you just have to respect their wishes. Of course there may eventually be some sort of crisis which forces the issue - my BiL's aunt was 'fortunate' in that respect.

My own mother who had dementia wouldn't allow any strangers into the house - not even the person who merely came to make sure she was taking her dementia medication. According to her, there was nothing wrong with her, and she wasn't on any meds, so 'No, you're not coming in!' This sort of attitude was good in many ways, of course - anyone hoping to on prey the vulnerable would have got short shrift!
Luckily she had a cleaning lady who'd been with her pre dementia, so she was more of a friend,and was welcomed. I don't know what we'd have done without that lovely cleaning lady.

Eventually,though, her need for 24/7 care meant that a care home was the only viable option - she was already 89 by then - and I don't mind admitting that I often wished she'd slip away peacefully in her sleep before we had to,put her through all that upheaval.
No such luck - she went on to 97 - a pitiful wreck for her last few years.

Oh and thanks for alarm suggestions.She doesn't have one yet.SIL probably thinks that's demeaning !But probably a wise move as her mobility worsens.

Mercedes please do not appologise !I said in my very first post that I knew my situation was much less worse than many others who posted on carers threads.And each family dynamic,wether coping as an only child or agreeing with siblings on the best way to proceed is fraught with frustrations.Talking of which I won't post for long,actually very angry and heartsore tonight so need to calm down.But apparently the new kitchen is off.Had mum round for a coffee and wasn't sure if she was just confused about what was happening,or not,but also found out only one of my brothers is away.Other one not yet gone.So phoned for that DB for quick chat and primarily to find out exactly when he goes and for how long.Just so I know when I'm the only one around.Waited to see if he mentioned the kitchen as began to dawn on me what had happened.DSIL doesn't think it's a good idea,too traumatic, she knows best as been a social worker.Same SIL who vetoed the idea of looking at sheltered accomodation,who thought POA for finances wasn't necessary .I stood my ground on that one.Old people don't like change and disruption and many old people live in much worse conditions so don't do anything.Great for her to say,she's away more than she's here and how traumatic would it be for my mum,whom I get on fine with to stay with us for the relatively short time it would take to do the work.Work to make things easier and safer for her. I was so angry I was shaking.Apparently I don't know anything about old people.Oh and as she's 96 soon she won't be here long enough to make it worthwhile. Trying to stay calm ,and decided to wait for both of them to come back and then suggest strongly a family conference,if only to say please be considerate enough to in future to talk to me if only to say when you're not around -and to SIL please don't be so patronising.

I hear you on that one vintage1950, a couple of years ago we had to call an ambulance for my mum. Luckily she was able to answer the door herself but the ambulance man did ask us if we had a key, which we hadn't. We managed to get a couple of copies cut while my mum was in hospital, so I have one and so does my son. However when she is indoors she puts the key in the lock from the inside and locks herself in, so we aren't any further forward