Frustrated with mum refusing help.

Yes maggie there are questions about eyesight, mum met the criteria there, don't remember there being any questions about hearing.

What does the DVLA form ask, Seaside? Aren't there questions about eyesight and hearing? If not, I for one really think there should be.

The problem is the Dvla renewed her driving licence last year without any problem, I filled the form in for her, so she thinks she's perfectly safe, they ask very few questions, and not much can be gained about a person's health from a form I really think they should be physically tested and examined.

Would your DM go to a day centre a couple of days a week? Many older people don’t like the idea of them, but if you put it to her as a club that she could join she may be more receptive of the idea. Then maybe a cleaner could then go in and get her house clean and tidy while she was out. Might be an idea worth looking into.

I think it’s extremely difficult for some people to accept help ... I certainly hope I will recognise it when I need help!

My lovely, wonderful mother died three years ago and since then my father, a fit and fairly healthy 95 year old who still drives and does The Times crossword, has refused all paid help in his home. My brother and I do everything, mainly my brother as I live 35 miles away, so don’t see dad every day. Am just leaving to spend the afternoon with him now!

I think he would like the company of living in a flat in a ‘senior village’ near us but he flatly refuses. I get very worried if he doesn’t answer the phone and when he leaves the front door open for me when I visit! He is extremely bossy and says he would annoy and be annoyed by people in a senior village etc. He’s probably right! Just hope he keeps going without some hideous accident or burglary.

And yes, I would hate to be bossed around by my children but at times, I wish my father would think about us and how much work we are doing for him.

I hope all goes well for you and your mother. You have done everything you can, PLEASE don’t make yourself ill or unhappy over it all. ?

WasherwomanThe changes in your mother are most certainly age related.It can be difficult to accept as you have always seen her as a fighter and having coped so well.Some experience these changes in loved ones at a much earlier age than your mother but then we are not all the same. Above all make sure her home is safe. If things like washing need doing or drying, cleaning and restocking the fridge bringing in domestic help to clean her property anything you are finding her resisting can you not bring her to your home or another relative and' let the troops' move in for a few hours to get these things done.? Will she have noticed?Possibly not to the extent you think. but at least will take the pressure off yourself so your visits will be based on making sure she is warm has eaten etc Contact Adult Social Care if and when her health including sight becomes worse There comes a time when we have to let others take over both for ones self and our loved ones.

Can you or a brother discuss her driving with her GP and/or optician? Or as other posters have suggested, someone could disable or lose her car.
When she has her kitchen work her fridge can have an accident and be replaced. Last week a 90 year old was telling me that her (exasperated) DD had spent the day defrosting and clearing her freezer. She was complaining about her DD but actually relieved I thought.
You sound very busy and need the whole family to back you up. PITA SiL’s interference re the warden controlled accommodation might fade away if she is on the a rota to support your DM!

Sometimes you have to lower your own expectations. Maybe time to make sure she is safe (handrails, tripping hazards, clear clutter) warm & fed. Clean clothes & bathed is a bonus!
Don't know if attendance allowance is still on the go, but given her age she may get a higher level which might cover the cost of someone doing an hour a day to prepare warm a meal, & give any medication.

Thanks for posting this, and for all the comments. I see many of you mum's characteristics in me, so it's a wake-up call. Not at that stage yet, but in the danger zone, and definitely into 'competitive ageing' - ouch!

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly just wouldn't admit that she was a danger on the road. She was, and even in the very short journeys she was taking, she could have killed someone. Her family "lost" her car. She was very upset about it, and brought up the subject every day, but at least other road users were safe from her. When I worked in a primary school, an elderly chap, his girlfriend and his car ended up dangling over our playground when he crashed straight through the fence after his slipper (!) got stuck under a pedal as he drove out of the carpark across the road. Nobody was hurt, but it could have been a horrendous accident.

Oh dear! I have every sympathy. I cared for my mum from 200 miles away [I'm an only child] and it wasn't easy to get help or for her to accept it. She did keep herself clean and she had a fantastic cleaning lady who did her best to sort through her fridge as well as vac but it wasn't easy as mum kept calling her back as she thought of something else to say......Mum also needed dental care and an optician. I organised these for her and she cancelled both appointments apparently preferring to remain in discomfort even though I was willing to be with her. Very frustrating! It was a very difficult situation as although we didn't get on particularly well she was my mum and I did worry about her. She'd given my dad a hard time on many occasions but she wanted to be independent for as along as possible and there wasn't a lot I could do about it - she wouldn't come to leave near us; I did try to encourage her.
Good luck. Remember you can only do what you can do!!!

Well said Jane 10.
Lots of useful things here BUT please everyone if you have anything to do with anyone who shouldn’t be driving please think!! You are equally responsible for not doing something to stop some horrific accidents before they happen.
These are becoming so common with unfit elder drivers and dare I say in automatic cars that they just mishit the pedals.

Mine is like that. Wants to be independent, but the difference is she moans all the time about her lot.

She bit my head off when I suggested she has a cleaner, but eventually gave in after my sil suggested it.

I leave her alone now and never suggest or comment on anything, and I've stopped worrying about it because I know there's nothing I can say.

Aside from the driving which puts others at risk? I sympathise with the resistant older people, however frustrating this is for their families.
As adults we are used to running our own lives, making our own decisions and feeling respected within our families and communities.
As parents we are used to being treated with dignity and hopefully held up as a good example of how to be as an adult.suddenly we find ourselves loosing that respect, and dignity, and often feeling patronised by the younger generations; whether that’s carers, professionals, or family, however unintentionally!
Our society projects an image of valuing youth and vitality, it does not make older people feel valued. so it’s no wonder that people, as they go into these later years, dread the process and fight against the loss of power.
Reading these posts makes me dread getting to the stage where my own children would take over and tell me what to do! I know they would do so trying to work for my best interests but I too am very independent and don’t like being told how I should live my life? I can’t imagine that I will find it any easier the older I get?

Seaside22 chewing gum in the ignition lock? Facetious I know but she can do what she likes to injure herself but she could potentially take out a whole family...

The GP told my mum not to drive any more and she handed the car keys over there and then. Older people seem to heed 'the doctor' as long as they're not too obviously youngsters!
In Scotland there's financial PoA and welfare PoA. This came in handy with mum and MiL.
I think I've learned a lot from the issues around mum and MiL. I've already apologised in advance to my DCs in case I become (even more of) a pain in the neck. I especially don't want to be left in my own home when I can't realistically cope. I like a bit of company so if the time comes I'll be up for sheltered housing or a care home.

Yes washerwoman, her driving is a nightmare, we have frequent discussions about why she shouldn't drive, but then the next day she'll be off out again, I could scream sometimes, and feel like giving up and just let her get on with it at least she does only drive the half a mile to the nearest shops, but she had an accident last year her fault, but still insists she's safe.Her memory now is very poor, but her anxiety levels are high, she rings us and family members constantly wanting to know our whereabouts, another big problem.Hope you can get through to your mum, without causing too much upset, I know how difficult it is.

My dad is 90 and it has been difficult to get him to do what he is told. It takes a long time to get used to the fact that we become the parent.
Long story short, I and others in the family told him if he didn't do this that or the other, then Drs and Social services would want to put him in a home and that terrifies him. He has always stated that he leaves his house in a wooden box, end of.
Harsh I know but you have to do things for their own safety and well being sometimes. I find people of his age have some respect for some sort of authority figure Dr etc.
If I told him to do his exercises and move, nothing, but If I ask the district nurse to tell him to do his exercise bingo!!
We did the same with power of attorney, we told him the horror stories of social services deciding he can't look after himself and his house would be used to care for him without us being able to do anything. We have both poa's now and we all very relieved as he was ill a while ago, and we knew he was safe with us being able to carry out his wishes. He is back at home now and much more amenable to our suggestions, and pleas of do your exercises, tell us if your unwell.
Dad was always very in control, and I didn't want outsiders coming in and taking over.
So maybe take the point that if hygiene levels aren't kept to a certain level and a Dr comes in for a visit, they may 'do' something. Collude with whoever comes into see her, to get them to ask her to do certain things, it helped a lot
I'm afraid you have to get sneaky, with these feisty old ones

To those who have children who are near enough, caring enough and willing to help, please be very grateful. It's fine to try to be independent when old age takes it's toll however, the lasting memories our children have of us are so important. My sincere sympathies go out to all the above messages.
Our children are hundreds of miles away or overseas. We are both in our 80's and oh how I would appreciate not only a little help but "hugs" which are so important!

It's difficult to differentiate between stubbornness and dementia at that age. Unfortunately, judging from my own experience, it sounds like it might be the latter. We always put my nanna and mil's awkwardness down to old age and grumpiness - turns out it was start of dementia.

Washerwoman - I do feel for you. However, my 97 year old mother lives in sheltered housing and I think you might be viewing it through rose coloured glasses. Yes, she has a help cord , they do run a bus to the supermarket once a week, there is a cafe for lunch and some social events but that is it. Sheltered housing is designed for independent living so the cleaning problems would only arise all over again. My husband’s aunt lived in SH and when she died her kitchen was so filthy my husband told me not to go in and he emptied it. I also know what you are going through with your siblings. My younger sister says ‘we work together’ which means I work round her and accommodate what she wants to do with mum. Unfortunately there is no easy answer to your problems . You are trying to do the best for your mother but she doesn’t want help. I’m not sure a new kitchen is the answer. Clearly what she needs is a regular cleaner which my mother has for 2hours a week and she changes the bed, not me.
Have you considered involving her GP and getting an assessment by occupational health? But it would only be worth doing this if your mother will accept help.

radicalnan I had forgotten about the 'driving' problem. Having had to collect my father from a police station in the New Forest at roughly 4am one night after he'd clipped another vehicle and failed to stop (I lived in NW London), I left his car there and that was the end of his driving! It wasn't the first time the police had rung me but it was a light bulb moment when I realised he had Alzheimer's. I'm embarrassed to admit my ignorance. He had always been eccentric, difficult etc etc. He died a couple of years later by which time he was living in a care home!

Getting old isn't for wimps!

Perhaps you do need to back off a bit and your brother who is an occasional visitor has the right idea. I would suggest that she gets an alarm so she can call if she needs assistance, maybe make that a concession? Also get a cleaner in, just because one didn't work does not mean to say another won't. Even if this person just keeps an eye on things it will be worth it. Then pop in once a week and see how it goes. You are all driving yourselves into the ground and it does not seem to be getting you anywhere.

Washerwoman That is a good point. Older people do see to accept what the doctor says.
When I asked my mother said something about driving and I asked about her responses she said 'the doctor didn't tell me that I can't drive so you can't tell me that I can't drive'. I am sure that it didn't occur to them that a woman who had just had a near fatal head injury, had lost the use of one arm and could not walk without a walker, would go and get in a car.
I think it should be a standard question for doctors to ask elderly people about driving and not just assume that they won't be doing it.

My mum would not have any help of any sort in the house, she had four daughters and they could care for her. Fair enough but we all lived scatted around the country with young families and full time jobs. Enough said she was a nightmare and I am ashamed to say I felt re
If when it suddenly ended. I am now coping with a disabled daughter who seems to have followed in mums footsteps but luckily she has good care and if she chooses not always to use it so be it. I hope it all works out for you.