Frustrated with mum refusing help.

It's a very sweeping statement to say that 'she'll know' when she needs support! She patently doesn't know that she needs help right now. If the OP and her brothers and family withdrew all that they did for her she'd really be in trouble. Currently, it feels like she's just not letting herself acknowledge the truth of the situation. Yes she could be left to get dirty and unkempt but that would be neglectful by a caring family. How would they feel if she was just found dead one morning? Telling themselves it's what she would have wanted wouldn't let me sleep at night. She needs help. The problem is how to do this.

In my defence constant inspections and fussing is harsh Mollie.And indeed mostly we just leave her to get on with it. We call in and chat and turn a blind eye.Rarely said anything until recently. Grubiness is one thing but when you go to make a cuppa and the fridge is in a terrible state with spilt and mouldy food ans door seals encrusted its only reasonable to want to try -very diplomatically- to suggest some cleaning .She genuienly can't see well enough.As my brother said her mmune system must be good !Oh well.

In agree with mollie. I had the same situation with an Aunt some years ago. She had very limited vision and colon cancer and had lived alone all her adult life. My Aunt refused all offers of help and would not pay anyone to clean although she could afford to do so. In the end she died in an accident at home. People are entitled to make their own decisions even if others think they are wrong. I realise this does not stop you worrying or feeling guilty as I did. Perhaps you could set up a Rota so you have more of a break and accept what your Mum wants.

Playing devils advocate here, your mum is very independent and has managed for 95 years. It sounds to me that while you and your family are lovingly concerned and caring, it is clearly seen by her as intereferring and criticism in what is her life lived her way. She’s entitled to let things get a little grubby if it doesn’t matter to her and I’m sure she’d rather see you all without the constant inspection and fussing. I’m sure she will know when she needs help and will ask for it but until then let her live her own life. She’s earned that. Back off a bit and give yourselves a break too.

Thanks for prompt replies. I'm very lucky in the DH has the patience of a saint,and will call in instead of me some days. He's even said she could live with us if things got bad-im not sure on that score for either her or us!Aso for a family conference I have suggested that ,but one or other of my brothers is either away or has had a much more well let's wait until there's a crisis,or if that's what's she wants mentality.That's changing with one brother now though,and he's proposing after his next holiday to install a new kitchen that's easier to keep clean,and some practical changes to the cottage so that feels a step in the right direction.And both brothers can ,and will do the work so they are good in many ways,.It's just the lack of simple communication.ie.don't worry about mum today I will go/ take her shopping that also frustrates.I guess that's men for you.
Frustratingly also last year a friend told me how happy and settled her DMIL was in sheltered accomodation, some of the nicest available.2 flats were available.Bright,spacious ,lovely view a, modern kitchen and completely independent with warden and shuttle bus to shops etc.Plus coffee mornings and mum has always been gregarious.Initially both brothers attitude was yes good idea ,you sort it.Surprisingly mum was intrigued enough to want to go to a coffee morning and meet the lovely warden.In steps SIL ,who I get on well enough but as a retired social worker and kind ,but in an airy fairy kind of way compared to practical me and vetoed the idea. DB is very under the thumb and decided not to pursue the idea.I know if we'd all got behind the idea she would have at least considered it.SIL had some valid points about her moving at this stage ,but I nearly lost it with her when she pointed out the village where the accomodation is also full of 'millionaires'?!Ironic as her mum lived in one of the most affluent parts of the country,and totally irrelevant!It's not it as a council estate and a real mixed community with a lovely accessible centre.Other SIL is great,but has had major issues with her own mum,but is a good listening ear and does practical stuff like wash mums bins out and some gardening.So it could worse I know. Out for the day now,but thanks for listening.

I feel for you and understand the need to vent. I don't live near my mother, nor do my siblings and although she is increasingly frail and disabled, she refuses to let a cleaner or carer into her house. We spend hours travelling to help and care for her as we do love her, but she won't compromise at all to make it easier! Who would have expected things to be so tricky at this stage of life?

Oh boy! A tough one. Have you discussed with her the advantages of choosing help now or just waiting for a crisis to take everything out of her hands? Maybe a serious family meeting involving all your siblings and her to spell out your concerns? Horrible prospect I know. However, the alternative is more of the same with her and the house slipping into neglect and further deterioration. Good luck!

I haven't got any advice, but I can certainly sympathise! My own mum was the same, and it affected everyone's quality of life.
She ended up having carers, after being in hospital, but that didn't make a great deal of difference, apart from the fact that they made more mess!