Frustrated with mum refusing help.

I really could have written your story myself! Almost the same story with my mum who is very against any outside interference. Brother has taken early retirement and is very busy doing all the things he didn’t have time for when he was running a business. I work full time, still have one young adult at home and do admin work for my husbands business. I really struggle as my Mum has a different ailment or problem every day, we have had every medical test available and her gp who has known her for many years is happy she is physically very fit for her age. I will read the replies you have received to see if I can pick up any useful tips. At least we know we are not alone hey ?

Thanks Canadiangran.Isn't it hard to find a balance between caring and seeming controlling !The aim with mum has always been to enable her to safely stay in her own home,because that's what she wants.It's only at the ripe old age of 97 any if us even offered any suggestions.So I think on balance she -and us - have done very well !

Washerwoman, I'm so glad you have found someone to come in for cleaning as well as companionship. My own MIL is 89 and now in 'assisted living' which here in Canada means her own apartment, but choice of meals at the dining room or not. She has a very limited kitchen with no burner, just a microwave and fridge.

She resisted a little bit at first, but after a fall realized she could no longer be on her own. Thank goodness for that self-awareness! We have 4 family members locally that take turns visiting and can advocate for her. It takes a team!

Good luch going forward.

Hetty .It's not that straightforward though is it ?I won't recap all my previous points but it's not just a question of wanting my mum in some pristine house or trying to take over.It's very difficult to visit and be told on the one hand how sore and difficult she is finding things,how her eyesight has deteriorated, to open the fridge and find rancid food etc and not try to offer a practical solution.To be told repeatedly don't worry about me you have enough to do.Then to go and have her sighing,pulling faces and saying I didn't see a soul all day yesterday.Wanting a little help for mum wasn't being controlling or expecting impossibly high standards, or abdicating my need to go - or my brothers.
It was always as much about a little extra company as much as the cleaning.And before you say that's your idea of hell my mum always was a very sociable woman .Much more so than me.Often when I arrive she has staggered to the door and is looking for a neighbour or someone passing to chat to.That's why it was so frustrating she had this block on the idea of just a little help.I knew instinctively the right person would probably be good for her morale.In hindsight the previous person just never clicked with her.
Anyway the update is we found a lovely young woman who has experience as a home help.All of a sudden mum was receptive to meeting her, and instantly liked her.She wouldn't admit it but was struggling even more.She now goes 2 hours a week and understands that having a coffee and a chat with mum is just as important as cleaning.Fortunately she's great at both.The fridge stays clean.The bathroom is tip top.Mum does her own dusting and potters around still, and several weeks on really looks forward to her weekly visits.I do her shopping and change her bed and towels weekly.Other than that mum lives independently and we all feel a sense of relief tbh .

Reading this really made me think. At what age (or state of disability) do we just lose the right to live in the way we choose?

My neighbour put her Mum in a home and said 'They keep her very neat and clean. They feed her well'.

We visited, the (depressing) 'lounge' full of old people dozing in chairs. When my neighbour went to the loo, her Mum stared intently into my eyes and said 'It's a prison. Different people come in to wash and feed me, when they have time, must be quick, not when I'm ready. They wake me up if I'm asleep. I have to come here and sit in this chair!'

It's us next, our generation. I will fight tooth and nail to avoid it. Leave me in my home (however dusty/grimy it becomes) and let me risk an accidental, solitary death. I'd rather that than years of a neat and tidy living death thank you!

Washerwoman I'm totally with you. Just trying to get my mum to drink and eat is becoming a nightmare - she's deteriorating before my very eyes (she's recovering from shingles). But I have to respect her decisions while she still has the capacity to make them. It's so hard sometimes to accept this - She just tells me off for nagging her when I'm trying my best just to be helpful...

It's not easy newgran as mothers know how to pull your strings - mine does anyway, and can be quite nasty and bad tempered at times, but since she has started with dementia she is easier...........mostly. You can start off setting boundaries in small ways. I don't know how often you visit, but let her know that you will not be available on a certain day/days. You need some space to regain your equilibrium. If I hadn't done this I would have collapsed emotionally.

A quick hello to fellow frustrated GNetters !Things pretty stable with my mum and sticking to the routine I mentioned in my last post,and not feeling guilty (trying!) if I don't call in.My brother who was away a lot is around more and has got the hang of a quick text to say if he's been ,and is doing her shopping when here.
DecoDiva -like you I've learned to look at it more objectively.And if mum chooses not to have outside help,and wants to stay in her home so be it.The reality is she sees a lot of people compared to many lonely elderly people.I've not had a breakdown ,but know a couple of friends who have as a result of family demands.Sandwich generation causing a lot of tiredness and stress.
Congratulations Newnan.DH and I both still work and help with DGD and another baby is on the way.That in itself has proved stressful at times.DGD is an absolute delight but her mum our DD can be very moody and I tread on eggshells a lot.Another story on Relationships and ,largely down to her relationship with her partner.She had been a lot better,but this last week has reduced me to tears again.But little ones are so funny and a light relief when elderly care feels onerous.

Sadly she hates Scrabble and all games, even making disparaging comments about the 'old biddies' who do play. She likes crosswords, but of course does them alone.

Many kind people have advised me to set boundaries, but I just don't know how to do it; we started off accompanying Mum to social events in her building in the (forlorn) hope that she would get to know people and then start going on her own, but it hasn't worked out like that. We did go with a volunteer who told her about all the things available locally for seniors, and were accused of bullying.

My mum has a sharp, critical tongue and a way of turning everything back on the person she feels is attacking her, so trying to reason with her doesn't really work. We thus don't know how to go about setting any ground rules, as there really aren't many others around to help her (my brother is only 25 miles away but already overstretched by work and family pressures). We have dug ourselves into a huge hole and I don't see any way of getting out now.

Newgran2019, it's okay for your mother to feel sorry for herself from time to time. It's not okay for her to do emotional blackmail. You are not and cannot be responsible for her long habit of preferring solitude to casual company. Neither are you to blame for her becoming old.

As a practical measure maybe it's just possible that your mum has an actual interest ----such as playing scrabble and could be got to play scrabble(or whatever) with some other loner.

It’s very hard.My mum is now 86 and it is a 100 mile round trip to visit her.We have sold her house and put offers in for apartments near where we live twice at her request only for her to change her mind at the last minute.We go once every fortnight but more often if she has appointments.She comes to stay for a few days every six weeks or so.She has a lovely support network but only wants us as doesn’t want to trouble anyone(apart from us)My brothers live closer but not much help.She thinks it is acceptable to ask us to drive 100 miles to drop off a sample at the Drs which she did realise was a bit much when we explained to her.We have found a volunteer group run by the council who will take her to blood tests,she has a cleaner and a Gardner.After a long time she has come to love all her helpers and love that when we come over we take her for lunch and have a lovely time.It has taken literally years but finally we seem to have a good balance which we are all happy with.My daughters visit inbetween our visits.We still have difficult times but we do love her spirit and independence even if it exhausts us sometimes!We found rather than a big change,introducing help very slowly was the best way to go and letting her make the final decisions.Also explaining when things got too much for us.

I do sympathise newgran and its seems as if you have done everything you can to help your mother, but you do have other priorities, including yourself. You say she is quite healthy and mentally alert, so she can clearly do some things for herself. I would set down some ground rules with her, and let her know what you can and can't do. Have you tried going with a volunteer to introduce her? My mother was similar and wouldn't accept anyone at first, until she became quite debilitated, and she had to accept help. Whilst you are at her beck and call she won't want anyone else, so it won't hurt to back off a bit. Try not to feel guilty, prioritise yourself, or you will become more resentful, and stressed. Enjoy some time with your new grandchild.

My mother is 84 and suffers from vertigo and hearing loss but is basically quite healthy and mentally alert. Her main problem is that she comes from a family that 'doesn't like people', so she has not tried to get to know other residents in her sheltered flat (though there is no real 'shelter' apart from an alarm call button, unless you have a care package from Social Services). The result is that my husband (retired but busy) and I (still working) are almost entirely responsible for all her shopping, transport, errands, phone calls, any socializing she does feel like doing, etc. Because my mum is a sadly negative person with many symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, I have never had a really loving relationship with her, and her living so close is quite stressful for me. My mother complains of boredom and not seeing anyone. As Washerwoman says, 'She will say "I didn't talk to a single soul all day yesterday," which even if not intended makes me feel guilty.'

We now have a new grandchild who lives 250 miles away, and when we went to help our daughter and family after a tough labour, my mother sat alone fretting because she had cystitis and wouldn't ring the GP for advice/prescription or ask anyone else for help. We were concerned about this, as we will be away more often now seeing the baby, but when we asked local community volunteers to call in and suggest ways of providing extra support, she just refused and got upset with us.

I feel torn over how much we should be doing for my mum and how much it's reasonable to ask her to do for herself - or put up with being bored if she won't make any effort to help herself - but the stress is really affecting me and coming between me and my husband, who hates confrontation and won't stand up for himself or me.

I know there's no magic wand we can wave to solve this, but any advice or support would be welcomed (preferably positive, as I don't need to be made to feel any worse than I already do...

Keep her at home as long as possible as my 93 year old Dad is now in the nursing home and l hate visiting him there but may have to visit for many years to come.

I'm 87 and I like to be as independent as I can be. My independent feeling is about working with my sons to be independent. If and when I become silly I hope that my son will demand of me that he makes certain decisions on my behalf.

I guess that many a silly old parent would feel a lot safer and happier if the daughter or son took control despite SOP's protests.

I don't know if you are still in the same situation, if you are, I empathise. My mum is 100, lives alone, has carers but will not let them do anything, is extremely stubborn and will not compromise on anything at all. It is her way or no way. I once suggested POA only to be thrown out of the house and used as a verbal punchbag for the next month. I have been looking after her for 7 years now and to be very honest she drove me to the brink of a nervous breakdown. She is vitriolic, mean, unkind and never says anything kind about anyone at all. I am an only child so I have no one else to help. My husband, who is 90, is wonderful and helps a lot (such an irony at his age really). However, last July she drove me to the brink - she decided I wasn't her daughter and had been swapped at birth - not a UTI but her natural self, and following a period of 6 weeks where I did not see her at all (although my poor husband had to visit 3 days a week) I just gave up. I went back to calling in on her because the guilt was overwhelming but I now just let her do things her way and make no effort to change anything (after years of being moaned at, accused of stealing her things etc.) Her house is grubby, I make sure she has food and her fridge is clean but if she decides that she doesn't want her carer to cook her food, so be it, she has full mental faculties and its her decision. Its the same with her medication, she takes what she wants and leaves the rest. After discussions with her doctor it was decided that she can't be forced to take her meds so again, it was her decision. I can't say I am happy about the situation, especially as she does her best to tell everybody what a bad, uncaring daughter I am, but I realise now there is no other way unless I want to go under myself completely. Six months on, I now view things more objectively, I have done my very best, she doesn't want to go into care although she really shouldn't be at home by herself as she is frail, has extremely bad mobility and falls often but I have resigned myself to the fact something will inevitably happen at some time which will be life limiting - I can only hope that she passes whilst she is asleep as I would hate for her to suffer in any way. I have great empathy for anyone in this situation as sometimes there is simply nothing you can do.

andycameron What a short and completely unnecessary post!!

Just to say another thank you to everyone except Andycameron for support and sharing your experiences too.No real progress getting help for mum,but I've settled on a routine for now.I call in 2 /3 times a week and bring back her bedding after changing it, and drop her shopping in.I do a thorough clean and check her fridge as and when I can spare more time.If I've a really busy week it doesn't get done,but on the whole it's much better.If I can't or don't feel like going I just ring for a chat.My brothers have got much better at communicating so we don't all turn up on the same day.I still feel frustrated that she won't let us get proper regular help,but unless things change or deteriorate significantly won't beat myself up.She did tell me I looked tired the other day and I shouldn't have to be helping her!But I just cheerfully replied yes but you won't let anyone else do it mum -so what choice is there ?Then left and put it out of my mind until the next visit.And there's a few days coming up where we are all out of town on trips but she has a panic button and care phone now.I will sign off now before I become overbearing !

If there are different strands of the family they might have different views on her welfare. I persuaded a maiden aunt to go into a home as she was a real danger to herself and a constant worry to her frail siblings. She hated it and another member of the family has often said he wished we had just left her to get on with it and risk the consequences. Who was right ?

Well andy thank your lucky stars that you aren't facing such problems and don't need the support offered here!
omg such an unpleasant comment!

omg such long and overbearing posts.....

I know Muffin.I'm not going to.Aside from anything I want my time with mum towards the end to not be fraught with resentment.I think I explained earlier that we did have some help last year but mum found a reason to find fault and told her not to come again.This last period where she has been unwell there's been a bit of a shift in her attitude.So for the very immediate future I will go in most,but not all days.I have told her categorically I can't always come. Thankfully my DH is very kind and sometimes goes instead of me to help with practical things.And when my DDs visit they do their bit,so I am luckier the some.If her condition deteriorates further I will contact Social Services.

The next time she gets herself into a hole, call social work for their advice/opinion etc.

You can’t be expected to be her handmaiden in your own autumn years.

Could you introduce some help very very gradually I know Mum was adamant she didn’t need help but when dad said he had found her flannel dry three days in a row we enlisted some help without asking She was very hostile at first ( but workers with dementia or the elderly are used to how to work with that) but she did mellow and accepted the help to some degree
Good luck bless her It’s the problem with living beyond our allotted time

Quick update for those kind enough to offer support.Mum it turns out has severe anaemia.Has had some tests but no underlying cause has come to light yet. Over the last couple of months she was becoming increasingly frail and once again I had to clear her fridge of loads of uneaten and spoiled food. And did a thorough cleaning of her house. For once no arguments ,she was actually appreciative,and she even said this isn't your responsibility I will organise some help.Adamant she would do it herself but of course it didn't happen despite having the number for DHs aunts help.Wouldn't let us contact anyone.After some time on iron tablets she has now declared that she doesn't want anyone other than me,and that she wants to give me her attendance allowance to do it.I've told her I wont take her money,it's there to get proper help.Has told my SIL she doesn't need help because I'm going to go everyday.Er no.I work,I do childcare for DGD two very early mornings a week,plus at least one evening/afternoon. DH and I have just had our first week away in a year and I was on my knees by the time it came around.
So at the moment I'm changing her bed,doing some cleaning as and when I can and pop her bits and bobs of shopping,making no apologies for checking her fridge regularly. Can't face such it getting in that state again !I'm really not fussed about things being too pristine,as long as it's safe and hygienic. But the other day when I had just dropped of some food including some yogourts ,which she loves,my brother rang to see if she needed anything and she had him trailing across town-he's had a few health problems of his own it turns out but being a man didn't communicate that !-and shopping for her including more yogourts. She still had all the ones I got.She is a monkey really!