Trying not to resent caring for constantly sick husband

Years ago I can remember my GP asking me if I ever had any time to myself, and I said I was the only one who didn't need anything.

He replied that I was the HUB OF THE WHEEL, and the whole bike would collapse if I ceased to function properly.

I bet most women don't think that way, but perhaps we owe it to our daughters (and grand daughters,) to make a start?

Hugs to everyone not having a great day.

Well I’ve been caring for mine for 11 days
He’s only broken his foot and I’m ready for the the divorce courts!
I am so full of admiration for all of you that have so many problems to face.
I had no idea how wearing it can be and mine is still fully functioning apart from moving around (he has broken it very badly and is not the most agile of men).
I’m afraid I would fall very short when compared to so many of you.

Caring is the most difficult of roles. weepywoman you’re taking on so much and sound totally exhausted. Sometimes the career needs care If you have adult children please be brave and be honest with them. Do you have any help? If not please consider if some practical help could reduce some of the burden. So carers, a cleaner, someone to do the ironing. Also, go and see your doctor, be honest. Would some sick leave from work help or make it worse? Either way your doctor needs to know you are disappearing under the pressure. Wishing you well. Come and talk to us any time if it helps.

Sielha and those of you who are also carers. I don’t know how you manage being caters for years. I had been caring for my DD for sixteen months, it would be one of the lowest periods of my life. I ended up with pneumonia which didn’t clear up. I had to carry on while ill myself, I often wondered why I felt I had no energy. I do have a SIL who would usually cook tea when he got home from work. I was lucky I could go home as I live next door, usually around 8pm. They also have a small farm with crops, sheep and lots of pets.

DD had an operation at the end of January which took three months recovery of not being able to do anything but walk a bit each day. The first eight weeks she had chronic nerve pain and was on a large amount of prescribed drugs. I used to wake up in the night worrying that she would die. A lot were Opioid which are very dangerous and actually increase the pain. She still has a worrying health problem but can manage that. Six months later she is able to return to work gradually starting next Monday. It seems unbelievable to us, it’s not been very long since she was bed ridden and in chronic pain. Falling hard, hitting the back of her head and back, every time she fell it was on a tiled floor as her legs would give way without warning. This time last year calling an ambulance for her was a weekly thing. She was also sent by air ambulance a few time to a city hospital. Which then meant travelling to the city to be with her. It was a difficult time for my GC especially GD who was very affected by her mum being bed ridden at home and/or in hospital.

We know how lucky we are that DD is now well. I put her other health issue at the back of my mind and I am very grateful.

I need to offload, I am not coping at all well. Hubby has leukeamia, COPD, A.F. And oesteo arthiritus. Im his carer,the earner, the house keeper, amongst other roles. Ive got to the point where if im alone thinking, im weeping....which is most days when hes on bed rest. All my friends and family have their own problems and often come to me for advice and support, im normally a positjve thinking, upbeat sort of person but lately....IM NOT ME...and I dont like it.any advice??

to all carers - it is such a challenging task.

Another one in the hamster cage.
I can't leave my H as he is a falls risk and does fall regularly.
It is not yet 7pm and he has been talking about his bedtime routine since just after 6pm.
He wants me to take good care of his joggers because he has £2 in the pocket, it might get lost or stolen.
I have to hide his clothes when he has gone to sleep as he will get dressed at any time of night he wakes up.
Life revolves around him, yes, along with some of you trapped is right.

Mad Grandma I’ve just read your post. Things sound really awful for you. I wish you all the best with your chemo, which starts next week. A hug for you.

This is where I wish I had been tougher and more selfish, Sweetpea. If I suggested leaving the house, even to the shop on the corner, my husband would become very agitated and often have full blown panic attacks, needing medical attention.

I gave into it because how could I leave him with someone who would have to deal with that? Now I think I should have found a way. Maybe even hired a nurse privately. Because I did feel very, very trapped.

I wish I had an answer for you.

Im in the same position as the lady caring for her sick husband im 58 he is 68 he had been ill on and of for years . But since 2014 he has had health problems he has ignored now he is at the stage where he needs to be in hospital but he refuses to go in . He has severe odema he can barley walk he also has heart failure possible bowel cancer but had refused all tests. He just doesnt seem to care he has become increasingly needy that i feel suffocated he always wants me to sit with him and hates me being out of the room even to do housework. I just want my life back to do the things i love as in gardening and working out all of which have stopped i feel like a prisoner

Being a carer is bl...y hard work. You need to be able to have a real good rant now and again and GN will provide the forum for that. You also need to have an outside interest that will take you away both physically and emotionally from the job and I should know as I am a carer to a very difficult daughter. Anyway take time to just go out for a while, a trip to the library, a coffee and class learning something, anything to distract you. Lastly you husband, his health issues are they so bad that they demand a great deal of your time? Can he be left along to read, watch tv while you go out. You need to look after yourself.

Everything seems so hit and miss with getting help.
Some people just can't seem to be directed to the right department, and its all so exhausting on top of everything else.
I take my hat off to all of you (and I don't even wear a hat!)

Annsixty - if anybody deserves a drink of an evening you do!! At 81 you should be receiving as much help as you need. Can't believe you have to pay for respite care! I think we are very fortunate in Scotland that we receive help with this. I haven't have had to try and claim anything else yet but my sister-in-law received this and it was a great help to us in looking after her. We do receive Attendance Allowance which I use to make life a lot more comfortable for DH.

SORRY ABOUT THE LONG POST HERE!
Since Nov 2106, I have been caring for my husband (who is now 71). He was in hospital for 12 weeks, finally being diagnosed with bowel cancer, which was removed, leaving him with a stoma bag. At the time, his weight went down to about 50kg. He also has problems swallowing, now having had a stent fitted, which needs to be widened about every 4-6 weeks. Then last July we were told he had liver and stomach cancer - not operable, but manageable, so he has had six cycles of chemo with more to come probably.
Then in January, I was told I had breast cancer - and finally in August had a mastectomy. I am now waiting for my chemo to start on Oct 2nd.
I am just SO FED UP with all these hospital appointments, and phone calls. Straight after a gastroscopy, he could eat as normal, then about 3 weeks in he starts to bubble and can't keep anything down - food or drink! Bubbles all night meaning I can't sleep - it's the mum syndrome when you can't sleep cos you can hear them coughing or sniffling!
My daughter lives nearly 2 hours away; our nearest friends are about 20 miles away, so ALL the day to day stuff falls on me! Some days I just want to scream at him, but it's not his fault I know.
So in all this rambling, I can totally understand how you feel Sielha; I know there are friends who will come with me for a coffee or something but DH does not like too many visitors as he never knows when this bubbling will start.
Jokingly I told my DH the other day that we were married in a register's office - I didn't sign up for the "in sickness and health" bit!!

Much sympathy for you but I can't find the right words and therefore feel useless.

But I'm not surprised you are experiencing resentment - way before the current austerity cuts plunged care and support services into the abyss the terms "care in the community" and "cared for within the family" always meant - let's face it - the responsibility of care fell upon/was dumped upon women.

It always has been and probably always will be - men claim to be "no good at that sort of thing" or pretend to be! It makes me so mad........OK, rant over.

If only men could walk a mile in women's shoes......

Definitely. not excessive ann, in fact less than many people drink. Totally agree with luckygirl. to everyone in a caring role.

ann -I do not think your drinking is excessive at all- ans I am a teetotaller! If it does not sound excessive to me then it definitely is not!!

Do you know what? - I think that whatever gets you through is just fine. Obviously if you were becoming alcoholic, that would be a cause for concern. My "tipple" is a very occasional half a lorezepam - my GP happily gives me it as she knows I only take it every now and again when sleep eludes me after a very stressful day.

I think that what you are doing is practical and sensible - a small relaxing pleasure in a trying day -you are allowed! I personally give you permission! Frankly if I was able to drink alcohol I would definitely join you.

It is good to know you are getting some care input - but we all know that whatever we get, it is never enough. Nothing can take away that sense of the non-stop nature of it all. And the regrets for a lost fun retirement.

We are all here on this caring thread and know what you are going through. I have just registered myself with the local cares' association and will wait and see wheat they might come up with.

Take care - and Cheers!

I know its hard sometimes...

And saggi?your hubby does sound like he needs help from gp- a lot of what you mention are often symptoms of depression or mental health,even autistic spectrum issues,not wanting to go anywhere/do anything/food obsession issues,"nothing working even threats to leave/ calling ambulance" etc(asd isnt just for kids&can be diagnosed later in life)please seek your husband some help instead of just being resentful.

Yes i agree seilha-1 yr old is a liitle young to be worried about the baby being on the ASD spectrum- perhaps your daughter could have a word with her health visitor or gp if shes at all worried but all children meet milestones at different ages so theyl assure her if everything looks fine.

Sorry wrong thread

People think they are far more stealth than they really are.

But snidey judgements show on their faces.

Does being glared at smugly make people better parents? Or does it further deplete their reserves making them even less up to playing peekaboo for the 735th time that day? Do you think?

Sometimes you just need to let off steam! I know how it can get you down though,myself&two youngest children(19&15)all have various medical conditions and its me who administers all medications/makes appts/accompanies to appts etc.Its all my youngest child has ever known,both boys were very premature- but i always put their health&appts first before mine,and sometimes yes it gets a bit wearing.But then i think that it must be worse for them and that im so grateful its not much worse,im lucky to have them here,and it puts things in perspective somehow.

You are all so lovely and I have read all of your stories too. There are a lot of us out there, perhaps more than I realised. Big hugs to all of you xx

I am also a carer - to my 20 year old son who has severe learning difficulties and yes, I am beginning to feel some strain (I'm 60 now). It's ok to have the feelings you mention - you too are human and a person in your own right. Don't feel guilty - rant away!

DH and I have good health, a great social worker and our son attends college four days a week, so our 'respite' are those days he's there enjoying college life.

It was only recently our council got in touch to ask about us as carers, but really couldn't offer any practical help, so I don't really know what the point of that was.

Even when there is help, it's still down to you to carry on. Do get in touch with social services and ask for a visit when you can discuss the difficulties you face. Also, there are some benefits you can claim (e.g. attendance allowance, if you qualify) which could help with some of the expenses.

Keep writing on here too - we're here to help just by reading and will try to support you as much as we can. Take care lovely girl xx