Caring for everybody?!

EmilyHarburn So true!

When you are a carer saying no is a very important protection for ones mental health. I was amazed when I was looking after my mother how often friends who visited then thought I would wait on them hand and foot. On one occasion as the person seemed to think I was going to make her tea, I said I was just out to do the shopping and that the kettle boiled she could make herself a tea. and talk to my mother.

inishowen may I recommend you look into a steroid injection for your shoulder?
I too suffered for over 3 months feeling ever more wretched and paying out a fortune on Voltarol heatpads and some dodgy massage which left me bruised and broke!
I had my injection 10 days ago and am very close to feeling if not 100% then at least 85%!

It took me a long time to find out but finally saying NO is very liberating

Some wise words someone once said to me, "If you never say 'no', what is your 'yes' worth?"

inishowen, I feel your pain. I've had to ask my son to reduce my childcare from 2 days to 1 as it hurts to do up the car seat with my painful fingers, swinging him into the car exacerbates my shoulder injury and chasing him nearly kills me with my bad back. My DH grimaces every time I ask him for help with my DGS and I could batter him...except I neither have the energy or strength in my joints to do it. Good job I love my DGS to death.

Learn to say no, sounds harsh, but it’s the only way you’ll preserve yourself.

Easy, 9be little word, s9rry, but no, no possible.

I did an assertiveness training course at work once, they taught us to always say something positive before a negative , so something like” I’m really flattered you thought of me to ask to be on your committee/ look after your dog/ whatever , but I’m afraid I will have to say no this time” .

I can only relate this to my elderly, infirm Mum who I take out to lunch every Friday. I always am given an increasing list of things to do, which I don’t mind to a degree, however ... she knows my timescales for returning home to pick up GS from school, and has a habit of dumping a last minute lengthy chore on me. I was late for him once and was so angry with myself for allowing her manipulation

I could have wrote this paragraph from your post Coconut only changing the mum to dad.... My sister (who is single with no ties whatsoever) rarely gets involved as to use her get out..."she doesn't drive" Grrrrr

I've suffered from a really painful shoulder since the summer. As it isn't visible my family forget about it. I'm asked to babysit and the little one, who I adore, wants me to carry him. Yesterday hubby and I were taking bottles to the bottle bank. he said, "it's your turn". I asked if I should hold the bag of bottles with my bad arm, and throw the bottles with the good arm, or the other way round. He looked as if he didn't know what I was talking about. I have told him time and time again I'm in agony. I can't put my bra on, can't make the bed, can't wash my hair etc., Rant over, I needed to get it off my chest.

Hahaha! Brilliant MawBroon! That made me laugh. ?

I'm so glad I asked! Lots of helpful advice and support and a strong feeling I'm not alone.

“Let me get back to you” is another way of playing for time but for once honesty is not necessarily the best policy (“I’d rather stick needles under my fingernails than join your committee”, “I have a sports allergy so can’t help with the cricket teas” , “be responsible for the school play costumes? I’d rather be watching Strictly” and “Do I look as if I have MUG tattooed on my forehead?”)
No, deep breath, and look at calendar/not free that week/month/century/ other obligations, sigh. You could lie in your teeth and invite whoever to ask another time e.g.next year by which time you can have filled your diary with important engagements such as coffee or lunch or shopping or watching Bergerac!
If it is family and you truly feel bad, I was always taught that a good way to say No is to offer something else for another date.

TillyWhizz You can do it - say 'no' that is! Yesterday, I amazed myself by actually managing it! After spending most of my life bowing to the will - and whims - of others, I've finally had enough!

The situation wasn't a 'caring' one, but still necessitated a definite 'No'!

I was expecting a service engineer to call at mid-day, but the company rang at 9.00am to see if he could come at 9.30am instead. I was on the verge of saying, 'Yes, that's fine', when the penny finally dropped. It was OK to say, 'No, sorry, that's not convenient.' I agreed to his coming at 10.00am, as I was quite happy with that time.

A small step, but one that I'm not used to taking!

Ive only recently learnt to say “no” to my daughter (re; childcare)...I also have an invalid husband to look after ....she was a little taken aback when I explained I needed some time to ‘do my own thing’ as I have a life as well as her! I’m sure she hadn’t given it a moments thought before. We’re ok and sorted with each other now and she had a greater respect for me I feel...as do I for myself! Say “no”

Oh Coconut you have bought it all back to me. TillyWhizz you sound as if you have more than enough to do, be kind to yourself and practice say NO, in a nice way of course.

Don't feel guilty about not agreeing to help. I often quote the airline advice 'make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It's not selfish to put your wellbeing first, it's essential so you can continue your role as a carer without burning out. ❤

I can only relate this to my elderly, infirm Mum who I take out to lunch every Friday. I always am given an increasing list of things to do, which I don’t mind to a degree, however ... she knows my timescales for returning home to pick up GS from school, and has a habit of dumping a last minute lengthy chore on me. I was late for him once and was so angry with myself for allowing her manipulation, that now I just do exactly as Mawbroon suggests ! My sister lives in Spain half the year and rarely gets asked to do anything when she is home, evidently she is busy ! Which I’m clearly not ?

Good luck Tillywhiz, just go for it.

I hope you do follow the polite refusal route. It is definitely necessary to have a clear boundary. Perhaps just say no to everything for at least a week....unless you really want to do it. By then you will have got quite used to it! Another way of saying it is with a preface... I'd love to do that but I'm not available etc.

I was very much like you even if it meant going out of my way but I found it extremely hard to say no so I never did and suffered for it. I was with a friend one day and she said to me if anyone asks for help to take a step back and say to yourself how is this going to benefit me. Will I feel better for doing this ? Or will I be left feeling used and abused. She taught me how to say no it gets easier however it took a long time before I said no without guilty feelings but it truly works. Try it

I am always coaching one of my DDs with a sentence to say whenever asked to do something else. "Ah - that's an interesting idea - I will give it some thought and let you know." Repeat after me..........."

MawBroom Ooh you did make me laugh! So I'm very pleased I've already used the 'I'm very sorry but...' already and I can see another pending.

TillyWhiz you need to practise the following lip movement
Purse your lips as if to whistle or blow a kiss, put your tongue against the roof of your mouth to make a “n” sound and then carefully articulate an “o”
Got it?
“N” - “o”
If you need thinking time, say you will need to check your diary/calendar/ horoscope (just joking) but seriously, “Love to but...totally committed for the foreseeable future”

The HT of my girls’ school gave an annual assembly talk on the saying ‘ if you want something done ask a busy person’. We all have to learn to say ‘no’ and look after ourselves.