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Care & carers

Stubborn husband

(15 Posts)
Sweetpea60 Sat 13-Oct-18 17:52:21

Update from my previous post concerning careing for my husband who has heart failure liver failure , severe odema. Having been hospitalised after his legs giving way he decided to discharge himself as the hospital were not doing any tests that were expected to be done . Doctors advised against leaving but he did anyway . He is now back home he cannot support his weight ,he cannot walk and is spending 24 hours a day on sofa. How can you come out of hospital worse than when you went in. He refuses to go back in which means his health will not improve and im left back at square one .He will not have any other carers come in so im left to do it all. Feel life is well and truly over.

MissAdventure Sat 13-Oct-18 18:02:31

I do feel for your husband, but its incredibly selfish of him to refuse care, knowing it will all fall onto you.
Could you arrange care and stay out of the way when they come in?

MissAdventure Sat 13-Oct-18 18:04:02

Oh, and have you had a carers assessment?
It would be very helpful to get a sympathetic social worker on your side, because they could lay it on the line to him.

Coolgran65 Sat 13-Oct-18 18:25:14

I agree with MissAdventure... Of course it is awful that your dh is suffering from such poor health but it is indeed selfish of him to not take up all offers of treatment and help/care that would otherwise become your responsibility.

Ask for a care assessment, take up all help on his behalf based on the assumption that he is not fully understanding how his attitude is impacting on your welfare. Who looks after the carer? And what happens to him if/when you are unable to continue.

And definitely seek the help of a Social Worker who doesn't need to worry so much about treadingon toes and can speak with your interests also in mind.

silverlining48 Sat 13-Oct-18 18:29:32

Sorry to hear that sweet pea, must be really hard for you. Not sure what’s going on with homecare these days but if you don’t already get help might be worth ringing local adult services duty officer and ask for an assessment. You can’t do all this on your own. Also surgery....
Just spotted I have repeated more or less what MissA has said.
Missing you at Bluewater, our next meeting is 1 st November. 11.30 Waterstones cafe.

silverlining48 Sat 13-Oct-18 18:30:42

Gp surgery that is...

annsixty Sat 13-Oct-18 18:41:15

I can only empathise with you Sweetpea my H sadly has dementia so doesn't really understand but he expects me to totally cope and look after him 24/7.
He will have carers in to shower him 3 times a week but that is it.
He thinks I should look after all his needs and wants .
I have had respite care but that is coming to an end very soon.
Like you I feel my life is over, I have very little left.

Sweetpea60 Sat 13-Oct-18 19:24:21

Unfortunatley he does not want social services involved at all. Is it me or am i running out of options

BlueBelle Sat 13-Oct-18 19:28:12

When my mum was at home with Alzheimer’s before residential she wouldn’t accept any help it was too much for Dad and she saw me as interfering in her married life I arranged carers and she refused their help but they kept coming and gradually she just got used to them
I d give it a go no one person can’t do it all
Good luck

MissAdventure Sat 13-Oct-18 19:29:03

Well, you have options.
The situation isn't all about what your husband wants.
There are two of you dealing with the situation, so the ball is in your court.
He (and you) may well find that there comes a time when what he wants will be totally ignored in favour of what is needed.
Food for thought.

MawBroon Sat 13-Oct-18 19:29:41

Liver failure does affect brain function so it is very likely that is a factor in his unreasonable behaviour.
My sympathies, but no other practical solutions other than to get him back to hospital. What do his liver and heart consultants say?

Chinesecrested Sat 13-Oct-18 20:27:29

Presumably you've discussed it with him, or tried to? You'll have to lay the law down, and tell him it's not up for debate. He's going to wear you out and make you ill, and what will he do if you have to go into hospital?

sodapop Sat 13-Oct-18 20:33:57

I agree with chinesecrested you will make yourself ill then where will he be.
You have to be firm about this for your own well being. Good luck sweetpea

FlexibleFriend Sat 13-Oct-18 21:10:47

You do have options, take charge and organise some help for you both. Where will he be if you make yourself ill and end up in hospital. Your life is only over if you allow him to carry on bullying you in this way.

NfkDumpling Sat 13-Oct-18 22:25:34

If you can’t get a carer or get DH to accept a carer, can you afford a home help to relieve some of the burden on yourself? You can’t do it all. You must look after yourself in order to be able to look after him.

It seems a common condition that when men get seriously ill they expect their wives to become superwomen and do everything for them not realising even superwomen have limits.