Brother who cares for Mum is behaving like a martyr

OP was very unclear and the picture which emerges is rather different from that originally outlined.
She told us her mother had “severe dementia” which is not the same as being able to live alone on her own home. She also alluded to “multiple health issues” painting a much more serious picture.
She said her brother was “drinking a lot” - that is not the same as being an alcoholic.
It is all a bit pointless to ask for help or advice and give out incomplete or contradictory facts.

Jomarie
I've been flicking through the forums.. Hence I came to the party late but I'm delighted that we're on the same page.. I can't stand dilly dallying either and like to give my opinion but only because I care about people. I am socially minded with a strong sense of doing the right thing for others.. I think the professionals call it "person centred" it's fluff but I try to put myself in a vulnerable person's shoes when decision making. Maybe you can sense that I've had a bit of experience.. Not too much, but enough to know how things pan out if you bury your head during highly emotional matters. hugs**

Joyfulnanna what brilliant common sense you have given to this dilemma. It only took four months for someone to "see the light" and "say it as it is".
So fed up with (not of) dilly dallying and fearful of upsetting other posters - so refreshing to have a straightforward sensible response (albeit four months later)

If he's an alcoholic, he's not a fit person to look after your mother, it's a safeguarding issue which you need to report. I'm so sorry you are having a tough time too. You can't look after your mum but you can protect her from harm. She needs to go into a care home. Why do people who've got no experience or qualifications in care of dementia patients like your brother, think they can meet the needs of someone with dementia. Your poor mum doesn't deserve this..please take steps to remove her to safety, away from this self destructive man who's got his own problems. We can only care for people properly when we're fit and well, properly educated on the needs of others. It doesn't tend to come naturally to men, I know that's a generalisation, but in your case I think it's likely. Good luck

Some friends of ours are coping with dementia. The DH, who has dementia had an infection and was admitted to hospital just before New Year. His DW was worried that it would be difficult for him. She has seen that, in his case, he is perfectly happy being fed and cared for there. This has helped her to accept that it is time for him to move to residential care.
As he was in hospital she was able to join us for NYE without stress or worry..her DH was with us at the last NYE party where he was happy rearranging cutlery and shredding paper serviettes but needed guiding not to eat from everyone else's plates or wander out of the front door. He is/was a lovely person and we all want him to be well cared for but his DW also needs her health not to be compromised by caring for a very ill person.

To be fair Arcadia you did say in your original post that your elderly Mum has severe dementia and multiple health issues.
For those of us with experience of dementia at all levels, “severe” would normally involve (at least a degree of ) incontinence, certainly not sleeping through the night and the near impossibility of being alone for more than the shortest periods, perhaps an hour or so, let alone living alone so you can’t blame us for misunderstanding the situation.

Same here paddyann. My sister visits every 3 months bearing gifts and my mother thinks she is wonderful. On the other hand another sister who used to do the same came last year for two weeks to give us a break but says she will NEVER do it again. Too demanding!

Pecs I know that well ,my late mother used to tell people she never saw me,I was there at least twice EVERY day .Yet the people who came every month or less were wonderful and so caring.With these posts we cant really know whats happening we only have one side of the story.Theres always two sides and we would need both before we have a true picture .

It is frustrating to be the regular carer/visitor for an elderly relative and then to be given advice by the less frequent visitor! I am not saying that is what is happening here.

Just that my DH was the local & regular visitor for his mum, my lovely MiL When my BsiL or SiL visited they always had a list of things they thought DH should do/ should have done! And then MiL talked non-stop about how wonderful the rare visitors were! I felt so sorry for DH. She did love and appreciate him but never actually voiced it! When she died my in-laws took over the funeral arrangements (though we did get to host the wake at our house) It was the most awful ceremony for a lovely lady.

Thanks for being so understanding Lazigirl

Thanks for being so understanding Lazigirl

Thanks for being so understanding Lazigirl

I can sympathise in many ways with what you say arcadia. I am often struck by the fact that posters often can't be bothered to read through a post, repeat information that others have already given and follow on from what others have posted without checking the OPs information. I think you have clarified your original post which was helpful. There is generally a lot of goodwill from posters who genuinely want to help, but feel sensitive because they carry a huge burden of caring themselves.

I've said in a further post that my brother does not live with my Mum. She is not incontinent, and sleeps through the night. He goes round for a couple of hours 5 times a week, but even that is draining I know. He is not there 24 hours a day, but I am when I stay with her. My OH is not well enough to travel far, and hates travelling in any case, so I can't stay very long. So please don't assume my brother has the problem of 24 hour care and incontinence - he doesn't. I don't know why people are assuming this. People are assuming my mother has really severe dementia: it is bad, but not perhaps as bad as people are assuming.
My brother has to shop and do a little washing and a little cleaning, and I do appreciate what he does. There are carers to help too. There are other issues which I have explained previously too, and I'm not going to go into them again. My relationship with my brother is good, and I intend to keep it so, but as previously stated I do have worries.

My heartfelt sympathy goes out to many of the posters who have shared their situation here. There are so many older people caring for even older parents, whilst trying to juggle other family duties. It is a monumental task and saves the country millions, but goes on quietly behind closed doors. I have PoA for my mother who has dementia and other health problems. I keep accounts meticulously for her, and watch her bank account to see that she has enough to pay bills etc. She pays towards her carers, and this is subsidised by the council, and I have to submit regular accounts to them for assessment. I think it is possibly a legal requirement that funds that you manage for someone else should be accounted for. It's an onerous task and bad enough managing my own affairs!

I totally concur with Niobe and the others - I am a carer to my father who has mixed dementia and IT IS A FULL TIME JOB - in fact I wish there were more hours in the day (as I also have 3 children and my eldest son requires 24/7care). I have had to set on two carers to tend to my Dad - despite my visiting and caring for him 4 or 5 times a week, doing all his shopping, looking after his healthcare (he has other ailments), ensuring his finances are in order, his cleaning, walking and caring for his dog (who is fantastic company for him and we don't want to take off him!)! In an ideal world I would put my Dad in a fabulous home with round the clock care closer to me, where I could visit briefly daily, but know that he was safe, secure and well looked after, and/or have siblings to share the role. If I were you I would offer to give your brother some time off - I'll bet that after just a few days you will realise just what a commitment, time consuming job and mental undertaking it is to care for someone in this way. If people were a little more understanding and less judgemental the world would be a far nicer place. It's true what 'they say' about walking in my shoes before you comment.

Can you arrange an GP appointment for your mum when you are next visiting to check that she is not mal nourished and at least in general good health?
It may be that you need to use more of your mum's money to hire a cleaner who will wash /iron. At least that way you know your mum's money is going on her needs. You say she has meals on wheels already but can you do an online shop to be delivered when you are visiting so you know there are 'basics' in the cupboard for her. If you reduce the need for your bro to spend it might be easier to keep track if there seems to be money going astray.

I don't know about poa so can't offer any advice, sorry.

However, I would definitely keep an eye on the situation and keep in touch with your brother and whoever is providing the care for your mother - if the situation deteriorates then full-time care could be the best option.

I know how worrying it is, we cared for one parent and, as paddyann said earlier, our parent was quite mortified at having me or DH to provide anything in the way of personal care as, although she had had strokes, she was still very with it.
Another parent was some distance away and it was a constant worry; although carers were going in it was not really very satisfactory.

Can you prove he's misusing her funds? Can you prove he's lying about what he does or the amount of washing etc? Maybe you should spend a few weeks with your mother and see for yourself ...take your OH with you if necessary .I cared for my mother for 12 and a bit years ,it was the most difficult thing I've done.Emotionally as well as physically so I know exactly where your brother is coming from.

Perhaps it's a mistake to give poa to just one person.
My mother gave it to both me and my sister, and we kept contact about expenditure.

My brother does not live with my Mum, as stated, but it is hard for him. The frustrating thing has been that he exaggerates or misleads me in relation to the practical things he does for my mother and I drive 300 miles to get things done, that he has forgotton or not bothered about. Mum gets meals on wheels once a day and there is often next to nothing in her fridge or cupboards for breakfast or tea. He also exaggerates the amount of washing he needs to do. Mum is not incontinent. Before he started to help a bit more I was doing all the cleaning and gardening with a 300 mile journey and frequent stays. I stay a few days with my mother but can't stay longer as my husband has had a stroke, so don't need to be told I should stay longer.Things are settling down now, with the regular carers, and the last thing I want to do is fall out with my brother (hence the posts to vent my frustrations) I also wondered how anyone else dealt with the misuse of poa.

FarNorth. you are so right. It’s that people who are in retirement and should take it easy are often the carers (often having their own health issues). It is different to care for someone in a purposefully build and equipped home. My mother complained years ago that at age seventy she had to help/lift her mother around the house giving her back ache.

This is a typical story, played out in millions of homes around the world. Typically the carer is a daughter and the other siblings turn up for “visits” only to critisise conditions or suggest things that could be better and patient/parents often turning visiting children into heroes because they were “soooo kind to visit” expecting the carer to run around to supply visitors with meals, coffee or tea.
Brother should get all the sympathy and help he needs and not scorn for acting like a martyr - because he is one.

^ Especially when those people are often elderly themselves and really not fit to be doing what they are.

Blubber, I hope you have all the incontinence products available - both for your OH to wear and to use in the bed. If not, ask your GP or a nurse at the practice.
Even with those, tho, there can still be a lot of leakage that means laundering of clothes and sheets.

As a care worker, people sometimes said they admired me for doing that job. I always told them it was no problem to do it as a job with set hours.
The people who should be admired are those who look after someone with dementia 24/7 in their homes.