Difficult Mother in Law

Have you tried buying her some wet wipes? My mum ( with Alzeimers) will use them in between showers as I told her they were a moisturiser and good for the skin!

Gone are the days of carers making people do what they don't wish to.
(Mostly a great thing) but it causes no end of problems around trying to persuade people, ensuring you aren't overstepping the mark, and you're respecting a persons values and not foisting your own onto them.

My daughters carers are unable to get her to do anything she doesn't want, however hard they try and at the moment she has a certain amount of capacity and they have to respect that. As for the aCommunity Matron or District Matron, well in the area where my daughter lives they have funds cut to bone and would not even help with drops in the eye when she went semi blind. Not easy

Buy several identical tops and swap them over as appropriate?

We had this problem with my mother. Now we have carers in twice a day and they wash her. She used to smell of urine. Now she is clean and fresh. Surely you have carers for your MiL? If so, ask the agency to ensure you get persuasive ones - after all, they've seen this all before. Mum is living with me now and it's the one thing I've insisted on. Just grab the clothes and wash them.
Otherwise ask her doctor if you can see a Community Matron (the old District Nurses). They are absolutely brilliant and they will find a way to get her dressed. It is NHS so no cost to you.

That’s a really good idea.

Thank you for all your suggestions. I do know that dementia is a difficult disease. My mum had vascular dementia and I looked after her in her own home for years before she eventually went into a care home. She was more amenable to being told what to do although we did have our moments. I think that it's the daughter versus daughter in law thing and I just have to get on with it

Oh dear made a complete hash of that comment, I had phone call funny enough from son who has the care of my daughter for 36 hours while they attend a funeral and she was driving him mad, refuses to change her clothes or wash.

Absolute honesty I found best work my dear father

“Dad, you’re doing bloody well living independently so well despite dementia diagnosis and I want that to continue for as long as possible. A part of living independently is changing clothes regularly. I love that shirt you’re wearing, it’s one of my favourites, but it needs to be laundered and a fresh one put on.”

i have much the same problem with my daughter lives on her own with excellent care. But she will not have the heating on and the temperature inside has been as low as 9 degrees. Does not shower often and sleeps in






Have the same problem with my daughter who lives on her own with excellent care coming 3 or 4 times a day. Wont have the heating on despite the indoor temperature being 3 degrees, goes to bed in what she has been wearing during the day and will not shower. Stubborn as a mule. Care staff can only do so much and I live 54 miles away. Its not easy and really there is no answer. My thoughts are with you and your problem.

I feel for you justanovice as my late MIL was diagnosed with two types of dementia. Also fiercely independent, we had battles to try and get her to wash, change, eat or take medication. Her eldest son and his wife got the worst of it. She accused them of being paranoid about germs, "clean clothes aren't necessary, I'm clean!, my health is more important!" Not seeing the connection.
Other DIL would offer to take her out for shopping or coffee, "But only if you change your clothes," which sometimes worked.
It only needs a young great-grandchild to say, "You smell, gan-gan!" It's difficult, dementia changes or exaggerates their personalities.
Professional carers seem to have the knack, "I/friends etc will be happy if you change your clothes," I sympathise - it doesn't seem to make any difference if you are polite or rude to them - they think that they are right and you are wrong, how dare you, etc. No easy answers.

When my MIL had dementia she would do nothing and was very hostile if it was me that asked. However if one of my daughters went in and chivvied her into changing her clothes she would be meek as a lamb with them and cooperate. So are there any GC who might be able to help? Worth a try.

To be exact, she IS being difficult, and it's because she has dementia. Not every negative word is an accusation or condemnation, sometimes it just is what it is.

I used to work with people with these issues and one of the ways that I found useful was to hold a peice of clothing out to them and say, I'm so sorry I forgot you asked me to find this for you. Take the blame on yourself and ask them to forgive you because you forgot, make light of it and tell them they need to remind you ......good luck it's not easy

My mum had mixed dementia and I recognise this scenario. As already suggested, having two items the same can help, as can taking it in the evening and washing and drying it overnight. I am not sure how much longer she will be safe to live alone (mum certainly wasn't) and I understand the battle it can be to get them to accept help. Stepping back won't necessarily help as she does not live in reality anymore and she may not even realise you haven't been there, also, it may be dangerous to leave her. Dementia is a truly awful disease for the sufferer and their family.

My mother used to wear the same pinafore for weeks on end too. There was nothing we could do about it. Her wardrobe was full of clean clothes and Tena pads - she wouldn't touch any of them. You have my sympathies - good luck.

My aunt reached this stage - it was really pitiful as she would bathe and change only when one particular sister visited her and she was happy for them both to choose some fresh clothes. She would then look like her old self - a clean, smart woman with a sense of style. Another friend was upset about her Mil who would not shower - she became hysterical at any suggestion of water, and life did get a bit grim in the house with her odour and filthy clothing. Both these ladies went in to residential care and the personal hygiene matters seemed to be kept well under control - is it worth asking for some advice from the GP, or nurse practitioners?

I think that you are right, it is a thankless task to try to force people to accept help. You do what you think is right at the moment, no one could expect or do more. A lot of us have been in a similar situation and send our best wishes X

Thank you for all your suggestions. I think that I am going to step back for a while. Helping by stealth doesn't seem to be working. If I don't do so much she may accept that she needs some support.

I have an auntie who is exactly the same and very, very fierce.
I tried repeatedly to get her to accept a cleaner without success. .

Only when she fell and was forced to go into hospital did she accept help on discharge. Once she could walk, she refused to let the cleaner into the house. She's not confused, nor is there any dementia - she just wants control. And who can blame her?
So I know what you mean justanovice you don't feel able to impose your will on a sick old lady.
Do you think she needs to be re-assessed for extra care? Would she accept it if it was decided she needed it?

If her memory is so bad, the suggestions above all sound workable. I only posted because it struck such a chord with me.
I stayed with my auntie for several weeks and I doubt she changed, or bathed properly, in all that time [grin} Yes, I did offer to help! No, she would not hear of it!!

Spill something on her skirt while she is wearing it so it has to be changed!

My mum has Alzeimers, and like your MIL, lives alone so we have to be very sneaky with our support. We're pretty sure she is not showering ( toiletries on side of shower have not moved place for several weeks) but as she is not smelly, we have not thought of a way to persuade her to shower.

she's NOT being difficult...she's ILL .

Maybe that's the nub of the matter justanovice - you can't force her to accept it.
You could try letting go a bit. You are doing your best to take care of her but when all's said and done you can take a horse to water but not make it drink.
What ever age we are each of us has very different ideas for how we should be early dementia or not and I question any label...
Aspergers?
Dementia?
ADHD?
You could end up running yourself ragged and for what?

I fully appreciate that she needs support but I can't force her to accept it. It took years to persuade her to have a cleaner.

It would be a braver woman than me who suggested that she needed help bathing. She is convinced that she is fully in control. Anything that might suggest otherwise is quickly forgotten.