Difficult Mother in Law

You need to be patient and caring when she's so stubborn. You could try asking her if she will allow you to wash her clothes. X

This problem really speaks to me. It wasn't until years after my mother-in-law died I realised that it was all about her having some sort of control over her life. I really regretted how much we'd all tried to get her to do this that or the other. Keeping clean is sweet smelling relatively unimportant, really. It's not nice to be dirty and smelly, but not dangerous. Just leave her to it and let her enjoy the freedom to do as she wants for as long as possible, is my advice xxx

Your mil sounds manageable. Words could not even describe how difficult my husband 's mother was for over 30 years. She passed in 2017. Damage is still felt to this day. Shattered still. Take care everyone. Dawn.

My FiL (with dementia) wouldn't change his clothes, and would only have a bath very occasionally if dh was there to,persuade him - though it still wasn't easy - and dh was away a lot for work, weeks at a time sometimes.

FiL was apt to fly into really frightening rages over the tiniest thing, so I had to tiptoe around him on eggshells. With the clothes, the only way I found was to have a clean set ready, watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, zoom in and swap. He never noticed.

With my mother (also dementia) I did occasionally 'accidentally' spill something down her, otherwise she'd be wearing the same manky jumper for weeks. I never cracked the bath/shower issue, couldn't face the dramas, but my sister, who lived much further away and so visited much less often was able to be a lot tougher. 'Come on, you NEED a shower, you smell!' (She did.)
There would be tears and dramas, but they were soon forgotten (one of the very few blessings of dementia, if there is such a thing ) and I'm sure she must have felt better afterwards.
Once she finally moved into a care home, both the clothes and the bath/shower issue were somehow managed much better. She was always clean, with clean hair, ditto all the residents, and they all had dementia.

Maybe it's easier for to accept 'persuasion' from non family, or else from staff in rather nurse-like uniforms that lend them some sort of authority.

justanovice thank you for posting, this is a very helpful thread. Glad you got a small victory along the way, every one helps.

Now go out and buy 2 more of those shirts so you can swap them when she's asleep!

justanovice Yes! Birthday shirt! Good thinking!

Mum is approaching 100- Lived alone up until last September past- Also didn't shower, change clothes but insisted she did- Also didn't smell- After accepting to take Vitamin D, her clothes get changed although not regularly but more often than before- Weather and water, time of day, holidays, foods consumed, all play into her decision making, if clothes will be changed- Or not-

Thank you everyone. You have given me a lot to think about. If anyone's interested we have got her to change the shirt by giving her a new one for her birthday.

Had the same with my husband who had dementia. He had a lot of other issues as well after a stroke so in the end he did have carers. He would scream and shout at them and me for putting him in other clothes, changing his pad, taking his medication and having the nebuliser mask on. I used to get told off so many times by the district nurse because he wasn’t drinking enough, could tell by his catheter bag but as I said I can’t just pour it down his throat. Afraid after 10 years he had to go into a nursing home as needed 24 hour care and it may be something you will have to think about. If you do the adult social care team were very helpful and that made it easier.
Very best of luck to you

My mum was very much the same at 93 altho she didn’t have dementia. It was just too hard work for her. I spent the days with her but she was alone at night and when I arrived next day I found she had been sleeping in her clothes most nights I had to help her have a good wash tho a few times a week. So i managed to get her to put clean things on then. Maybe once a week. So that wasn’t so bad. Maybe helping her wash would give you the opportunity to change them.

Do you have a care home near you? Would you be able to ask the manager for some tips on how to manage the hygiene/clothing issue. This must be an issue with many if the residents. Obviously would need to be an establishment that deals with dementia/alzheimers.

I've had to be quite brutally honest with my Mum about her smelling whilst everybody else just kept away because they couldn't stand it. It meant I was the big bad wolf and one day she shouted at me that I would not allow her any dignity. I pointed out that I was trying to help her keep her dignity and she has been a little better. However, the one thing I cannot stop her doing is putting damp pads on the carpets. I bought her a small bin to have by her bed but she will not use it. It was only when I was talking to her partner, he explained that if they are not too wet, she won't throw them away as they are too expensive but will save them for the next day. Honestly, I despair.

If you buy her clothes can I suggest you buy multiples of the same item then when you take them for washing she won’t be any the wiser

If she is your mother-in-law, perhaps a gentle and sympathetic word from your husband to his mother would help? My own mother has similar issues and what I do is, get my sister to take her out for the afternoon and blitz her house. It's the only way we can ensure she is living in a non-hazardous, hygienic environment and because she was always so houseproud, it's hard to see her house becoming neglected because a) she's too proud to ask for help and b) she doesn't think there is a problem. When she gets home, she usually calls me to say 'oh, I see you've been at it again', which I laugh at and say to her 'it's not a problem, Mum'.

Thank you all for your replies. It helps quite a lot to know that there are other people in the same situation.

I too recognise this as something difficult tackle as my nan was convinced she washed and changed every day, but she didn't. Sometimes would go a lot of days without doing either (or cleaning her teeth) ...she didn't seem to notice if she started to smell a bit either! Tried all the things mentioned but just ended up with drawers full of new clean tops, trousers, undies etc. Nan had dementia and while she was able to talk could sometimes be fairly lucid, but this made no difference to personal hygiene matters. Nan had always been fairly smart, pretty, together and it was heartbreaking watching it all slide without her seeming to care. She did have pneumonia for a few weeks while still at home and it knocked her for six - she did not seem aware of anything much so I bit the bullet and just gave her strip washes, even managed to get her in the bath and shower a few times to wash her and dress her in nice clean clothes (OK, nightclothes sometimes), gave her teeth a quick going over etc...when she recovered she was oblivious to this and as I knew she would be embarrassed if she knew I never mentioned it to her. It seems rotten doing some of these things knowing the person will not recall them but as long as your intentions are good I think it is alright to do so. Good luck, it sounds as though your mother-in-law will be requiring more help at some stage.

I manage a care service and my staff have all sorts of ways of dealing with this problem. Sometimes the tack of "you have so many lovely things in your wardrobe, shall we try this on today, you will look so nice in it" works. Sometime it is "your daughter is coming today, shall we make you look really special for her" Changing worn items at bed time ready for the next day is good. Generally being confident and assuming you will achieve what you are setting out to do makes cooperation easier to secure.

Quizqueen I really tried everything including all you have said. I have refused to stay anymore unless the heating is on in the cold months. I tell her when I am coming down, ask where she would like to go and tell her to have a shower when care come in and make sure she has clean clothes on. Works sometimes, other times no. A Dr would not say you are dirty and smelly, change your clothes before I examine you and anyway she would just say ok don't bother.

Hi, I found Altzheimers UK invaluable for advice when my Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. They have an excellent online forum called Talking Point which covers everything dementia related from people with experience of caring for a relative. Good luck.

Could her doctor do a home visit and tell she is dirty/smelly and needs to change her clothes before he examines her. Do you ever take her out in your car- somewhere she really wants to go- if so, then tell her she needs to shower and change her clothes otherwise she won't be allowed in your car. Yes, she is ill and can't help her behaviour so all the more reason for some straight talking.

My daughter uses wet wipes, but they are not really a substitute for a shower and hair wash. Has plenty of clothes buys plenty but in the winter they are all damp and its a night mare. She a top of the range washer dryer uses that but as she has no heating on there is nowhere to air and finish the finer drying. Trying asking or telling her to put them back in the dryer for another dryer but her answer is they have been in once and thats enough. I must admit the carers are really good, in fact excellent, they keep the house spotless for her and change the bedding weekly. Even has a carer 3 hours a week to help with paperwork, admin problems, going on email etc. Cant fault them

Just back from visiting my sister in her care home and although the staff are very overstretched, they had got her showered, hair washed and nicely dressed, as they knew I was coming. They don’t always succeed! There are days when she just refuses to co-operate.
On the other hand her nails, both hand and feet, were really long, like claws. It is such a problem, caring for people with dementia and other mental health issues. My sympathies to all who undertake this challenging job.

Imm6 you are khcky with the carers. My friends Mum has carers going in and they just say that its up to her whether she wants to wash and change or not.

She doesn't wash, change her clothes or bedding.

I was told a story recently about 2 sisters who went into a care home at the same time. The one who had been active all her life and always taken care of herself was OK, but the one who blossomed was the one who had lived by herself and never bothered about clothes or looks. She was taken shopping bought clothes and arrived at every social occasion done up to the nines. This may seem a poiintless comment but has your MIL any reason to dress up? Maybe she needs to go somewhere special to get her out of her everyday outfits.