Father with signs of dementia

I wasnt suggesting you were being harsh hellymart. You are living the situation day to day.

I was saying that it was harsh of other posters to send him to a home on the basis of your post.

Talking point is brilliant, as others have said, but also contact your local Alzheimers Society for knowledgeable and caring advice.

Thanks for all your advice. I will head over to Talking Point. He has been into a care home for respite 3 times but when he comes out, we're back to square one. He won't be left alone now, by the way, so my mum cannot go anywhere (even the toilet) without him. He bars the way if she ever tries to go out - even just to get out for five minutes for a break (I was there when he did it once - he barred the way so that neither of us could get out of the bedroom). So it may seem 'harsh' to want him to go into a home but I am worried about my 83-year old mother, who is on the verge of a breakdown because of it all.

Granny23, you must be sad to have got to this stage- I know from your posts how well you have cared for your DH for a long time. I hope you find a good home that you are both happy with.

I wasn't suggesting that residential care was wrong but it seems a huge leap from where the op's parents are without a proper diagnosis and medical investigations.

Lots of other things can lead to confusion. Pain, Infection, Constipation. And, hellymart's father has not had a proper diagnosis yet.

The advice re Talking Point and the Alzheimer's Society is brilliant.

I thought it was a bit harsh too Kitty You are not aware of the family's circumstances and Hellymart's Mum is probably a good age as well to cope with this.
You need to get specialist advice Hellymart sounds like you have got the ball rolling on this. Dementia UK also can help. It's difficult for everyone at this stage, I hope you and your Mum get some help and support.

Dementure affects patients in different ways, confusion, a change in temperament, fear of something, wandering off. Often they are unaware of their affect on those caring for them, especially on a 24/7 caring partner. The OPs parents really should be in some kind of sheltered accommodation but that is not likely to happen, unless it is privately funded. A week of respite care in a well chosen home will be a good first step to making the enivitable easier.

An aunt of mine steadfastly refused to go into care, one day she imagined intruders in the house and climbed out of the window, so it was time to insist that she went, she loves it and her general health has improved

forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forums

My mum was diagnosed when she broke her hip and because of her behaviour she had a brain scan. She managed to live some time after that at home with my dad until he told me one day that they weren’t managing and asked me to find them a home. I had a problem with it but it was what they wanted and it worked out very well as they were still together in the home until he died last summer.

Kitty I feel your comment is a bit harsh (probably because I am in the process of getting a place in residential care for my DH)

Heellymart the best place for advice is on the specialist forum Talking Point - I'll be back in a moment with the link.

I wonder if hellymart's father has had a thorough medical age k up.

I think it is a bit harsh to consider putting him in a home before all otger avenues gave been explored.

It must be very frustrating when he sees the professionals and has a ‘good’ day. I’m so glad you are there to support your mother as it is so very hard on the careers, and I’m guessing your mother is ‘getting on’ a bit too?

There are many different types of dementia.

Could he be persuaded to go into a Home just for respite care for a week or two in the first instance? This would give your mum a much-needed break and perhaps this might be the way in to full-time care.

I don't know anyone who actually wanted to go into residential care but that's the best for most.

I do hope the health professionals get him admitted, for your Mum's sake, she can't go on like that at her age.

I would second the advice to contact the Alzheimer's Society. It would be good to get a proper diagnosis so you can access the right help.

The seeming fine is called a Social Facade and some people with Alzheimers are really good at it. My mum was brilliant.

When my FiL started having memory problems he saw the consultant at home, if I remember rightly. But the system tends to vary from place to place, so maybe the senior memory nurse can do the necessary memory tests. These will check whether he does have problems and shouldn't be affected by him 'seeming fine'. Hopefully they'll lead to a proper diagnosis. Push for further investigations if you think that they're necessary. My FiL was given tablets to slow the progress of his dementia and they certainly helped him for a good while. He continued to live alone in his own home with carers visiting as necessary until shortly before he died.
The Alzheimer's Society has useful information and there are lots of ways to make the task of looking after him a little easier, although it will always be a challenge. Do as much research as you can and accept any assistance that is appropriate. Good luck.