Of a certain age and in a heartbreaking situation

Very elderly people become entirely self focussed, unable to see how much others are doing for them. The more you do the more mum wants. The solution is for you to decide how often you visit. Parents don't remember that their little girl has also grown older. Avoid saying no to requests to do jobs, side step them instead. Maybe you will have time later..... If mum won't accept a local carer that's her choice, but she cannot expect you to fill in instead! I found counselling helpful dealing with a disabled son and mum after a car accident when I could hardly walk. It was life changing!

Just a note of thanks to everyone who replied here and also contacted me directly, your advice and insight (seeing the wood for the trees) has been more than beneficial. At the moment I’m back in Ireland with mom, it’s better at the moment but I’ve realised I’m not in the best place in my mind and that between us we are depressing each other! I spent two weeks at ‘home’ and made up my mind not to sell, I’m going back, I’ll spend the summers at ‘home’ and I know I will love being there and will return to spend 3 months or so in the winter with mom, it’s when she needs me most, as you all know the summer months give energy and a skip in the step, mom fares better then xxx

you say you're not sure you can do that to your mother.

you seem to be looking at only one side of the coin, but there are more to consider.

can you "do this to yourself?". can you write off the rest of your life? and dedicate it to someone who's selfishly demanding too much from you?

can you "do this to your grandson", who lost his father at such a vulnerable age, and in such an awful way? he, of all the people involved in this unhappy tale needs your help, support, kind word at odd moments.

can you "do this to your dil", who is also struggling with very sad times.

i am not suggesting that you owe your life to everyone but yourself. merely that there's more here than a mother who left when it suited her, and now finds herself let down by those closer to hand.

and please don't forget,that if that awful thing you fear is going to happen to your mother, then sod's lore says it'll happen while you're out shopping anyway, so not on hand to prevent the unpreventable.

stay home, learn your new life, share with those you care for. that way you'll find the strength to visit your mother now and again; with a willing heart and a spring in your step.
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I agree with everyone else and I have one other suggestion: tell her if she wants to be close to you, then she needs to move back near you. You have a business and a life where you are, since she she chose to move there, she should move back.

Otherwise, if you jump everytime they call you, you are reinforcing her (and your brothers') behavior - as long as you continue to go, your mother and your brother will expect it of you and see it as your duty. If you are not there they will have to step up and do "the right thing". Of course, also finding a caregiver near her should help ease your mind.

I know I may sound harsh and selfish, but you must take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone. I hope you have a long full life now and after she is gone.

I would have a heart to heart with your mom. Maybe she thinks you enjoy her company.

If you want to care for her:

I'd sell your mom's house, sell yours and buy a duplex.

Or sell her home and buy her an apartment close to your home and use the rest of the money to arrange care for her.

Then you could house her next door or close by.

If you don't want to care for her, arrange care to go to her house, write up a schedule for your brothers and visit every couple of months.

Surely there's a social worker who could help.

I hope you find a way.

My thoughts are with you.

I feel for your plight. But don’t move away..stay near your friends who have been supportive of you. I assume your mother moved to be near her sons...your brothers..but that was her choice, not yours. Your need to look after yourself or you will be of no use to anyone.

I wish you well ?

We don't have children so that they can look after us in old age, do we?. We decide to have them, so they owe us nothing.

Too many women assume that it's their role to look after elderly parents. Of course, that suits society and saves on the caring budget too. We're all tending to live longer - so are often geriatric (65+) ourselves when the caring role is expected of us. It's just ridiculous!

I want to add that I do not think it is a good idea to move mum back to England.
She doesn't want to be here but the main reason is that you do not want to keep being a carer and that is right.

You have a lot of support and helpful advice here on the forum.
I would suggest getting some talking therapy through your GP to help you with your grief and guilty feelings.

You should not feel guilty though, your mum made her own choice and you have 2 brothers in Ireland.
But it will help to talk this out rather than have it all rattling around in your head.

You can be fine to stay where you are with people who love and care about you.

You can still visit mum when you want to but please do not start caring for her as your lazy brothers will never step up if they think you are looking after her!
I wish you well.

and I hope you can update us on the forum

You have only one life. I am so sorry about losing your son.
Look, you have to look after yourself .
My mother is 87. My two sisters are demented with her demands. She has carers , privately set up by my sister , who come in every morning . However when I phone her once a week , from a few hundred miles away, she mentions all the appointments, things needing done , new jacket she wanted, new lamp, blah blah . So I know my sisters are run ragged
When I mention this , she says ...Oh but they don t mind....Sorry but they do and I hear it from their partners
Your mother will always be your mother but she may outlive you if you don t make yourself clear.
Set up carers . My mother at first refused , saying only wanted her own girls ( ha !) As I have a long memory, I seem to remember my mother making demands since I was born . I can laugh now but ....... really ...your mother is being selfish. There are local voluntary people who taxi people to appointments? Go visit her every few months for a few days , as a welcome visitor , a friendly face, take her out for lunch and take a few treat . Its what I do as I have my own family and friends and life problems here where I live
If something happens to your mum ...well you are not to blame
You must look after your soul . You will still be a loving daughter .....but not a drudge
. She may welcome your visits and be grateful to you ? And if she is mean to you ...be glad you have a life of your own with support around you .
Take care

condolences for the loss of your son. that must have been terrible for you. I cant imagine.
try joining carersuk. forum. there are many people in similar situations to yourself.
you have no legal requirement to care for your mother. people seem to get very self centred when they get to such an advanced age. you will have to be strong. get her care organised together with your brothers, through a care agency or the like, then become one of three care organisers (with your brothers) not hands on . your mum wont like it but she will get over it, you cannot continue to live like you are.
stay where you want to live and are happy. you deserve that.

Please don't sell your home, even if you do end up moving to Ireland to care for your Mum, which by the way I don't think you should do, plus realistically your mother of very lucky, has 10 years maximum left, so what would happen.if you sell up and move to Ireland, it was your Mother's choice to move so why should you be forced to change your life especially when you have a brother that could quite easily help out more, have you had any proper counselling after your Son's death, this happened to my nephew as well so I can understand a bit about how you must be feeling though an aunt's feelings of loss can never be the same as a Mother's but I have seen a lot of what my sister has been through so my heart goes out to you, it's only since finally receiving real proper counselling this last year that has helped my sister and it may help you, also to realise that you do not have to be at your Mother's beck and call over in Ireland, hope you make the right decision for you, after all you are not the only child

Thank you @Bluegrass for your kind words about my posts.

All my thoughts & comments are born from decades of caring for several close & much loved relatives from an early age - I am a ‘seasoned’ carer.

Clearly from this thread, & many others on Gnet, many of us have shared journeys as carers & experiences some of the highs, lows, joys, frustrations with bureaucracy, loss of autonomy & exhaustion.

I am sure that your family would do more if you were not there to take the strain. You have had an unimaginable difficult time and it's time to make space for the life that you want. I would go to see your mother in the summer and at Christmas, having let everyone know your plans. Don't be guilt tripped into doing something you don't want to do, just because it makes everyone's life easier. Make some plans and stick to them.

Brothers, male. OP female. They need to sort themselves out. It is so selfish not to plan for extreme old age. May I suggest you get any paperwork eg POA in place.

Dealite you sound like a kind and loving person who is being taken advantage of.

It is time to look after yourself and grieve properly for your son and get your life back.

No more being manipulated by your mother and brothers...you have already gone above and beyond....now you must resist their emotional blackmail and move on.

There is a lot of good sense here in these replies....be strong and resolute......no more being their doormat....Oh yes....and a great big hug!

She needs to move near you if she wants your help.

If she stays there she’ll need to rely on her other children but it’s her choice.

I’m concerned my mother refuses to move and wants her independence but she knows she’ll need to move if she needs my help as she is now 200 miles away.

Being selfish as you age seems quite common and I think people try to justify it but it’s still pretty mean behaviour.

Ring the Irish Social Services for her area and make a referral. Tell them you can’t do the caring.

Be firm (I know it’s not easy) with your mother.

Tell your brothers after you have made the referral.

Despite, everyone else has offered wise advice. Please do not be bullied by your mother or your brothers. I have an adult autistic son who has had terrible depression and suicidal thoughts at points in his life yet my second husband demanded I leave him and his siblings behind and move to the other side of the world 'to make him happy' my youngest was still under 20. As they weren't his children he thought he was most important but he never showed his true colours prior to marriage. Then my parents started the constant 'what about us' the emotional blackmail, my dad would rant at me about what my 'duty' was to them - because I was the daughter! They even started to demand I abandon my children (just as husband 2 had done - I told him to leave if going overseas would make him happy, and he did) parents wanted me to live in with them, give up my job which I loved, not go out with friends etc and be 24/7 carer, housekeeper, mug, butt of my mother's bitching. No room for my children. They insisted I owed it to them! My dad kept phoning me at work to nag. I already did their shopping and visited after work, then walk home (no car). Our family GP, a lovely man, actually told me he felt sorry for me and said I'd not to give in. I knew I'd end up breaking down if I did. Nothing I did was ever enough, they were ashamed of me for having two failed marriages etc. It's not exactly like your situation but I have an understanding of where you are, the guilt, the pressure. And I can now say, with hindsight, do not go there, treasure your life, your friends where you are. She has made her choices & you should not suffer for them, she is not alone either. You are very vunerable right now, use some of the travelling money to pay for counselling instead. It certainly saved my sanity. And yes you may feel guilty from time to time, it's sometimes bred into us, but it's how you handle it and please, always, be kind to yourself.

I am carer for my Mum who gets Carer's Allowance. I lived in Warwickshire for 35 years before moving South. Lived with M&D until I bought my little Park Home last year. I have to give care for 35 hours a week, to get my Allowance. Due to broken arm at shoulder level, I do most of her housework, drive her to her appointments and shopping. When I lived there 24/7, I worked out at 38p an hour.
Please don't sell up, she might be gone tomorrow as my Mum says. Get your brothers involved. You are there, they don't need to be ?

Time for the brothers to step up, they never will if you go and live with her.

Or maybe you could look at your mother moving back to your area?

Granny Square, what a marvellous response, you've covered everything. Dealite, I don't wish to generalise, but some elderly parents know that they are in control, so to speak. You must visit only when you wish to and don't be taken advantage of, your brother's can oversee things and deal with a lot for your mum. You have had a lot of trauma over the years and you must stay near those friends who love and care for you. Good luck and I wish you well.

When somebody close to you dies, your family can try to 'reclaim' you (as if you are a child). It happened to me.

Perhaps your mother feels responsible for you now that you have lost your son. She may believe that you need her now. It's time to have a talk about how long you are prepared to stay. Do not give up your home.

Dealight
You have had some very excellent qualified advice on here.
I would read the answers and copy and paste them as
they will help you as you decide how to go on, in the future.

I have every sympathy with you but only you can get this sorted.Its not selfish to look after yourself no one else will.
Good luck

My mother lives in Canada and really needed one of us to go and look after her but, like you it would have meant my sister and I giving up our lives. I wasn't well enough so it would have meant my sister who has a son and job here.
Luckily, she didn't expect us to do that but there is always going to be that feeling that one should.
Your mother could come back to England. She is choosing not to. You have a job here, a home here, a grandson here.
She expects you to do it because you will. As others have said, help with finding out what care is available. Tell her that she should ask her sons to do more and that you will do what you can but you are not able to visit as often as it is making you ill. Your unhappiness sounds like you might be sliding into depression and you have to take that seriously and put yourself first. Your mother did when she chose to go to Ireland and you are not abandoning her. We all need to lean on others at some time but there is no obligation for anyone to let you especially for any length of time even if they are close relatives.
You know that you will regret it if you do go.

As long as you keep tearing yourself in two, no-one is going to help. You need to contact the local social services then go home.