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Care & carers

What if mum needs help

(5 Posts)
Betty65 Sat 28-Mar-20 19:15:30

My 87 year old mum is poorly. She has a bad heart, intermittent breathing problems and osteoporosis arthritis in her back so she is pain most of the time even with pain killers. Amongst all that she is showing the start of age related dementia, the latest is where she hides dirty washing and incontinence pads in drawers but is not aware she has done it. She refuses carers and refused to go into residential care. It’s just me. With everything going on I am getting concerned what will happen if she gets much worse. We had the ambulance out last week because of breathing problems but they wouldn’t take her to hospital obviously. Living with us is not possible. Does anyone have any suggestions how to get through this.

Katyj Sat 28-Mar-20 20:10:05

Hi,Betty I’m in a very similar predicament, although my mum doesn’t have breathing difficulties. I’m worried sick that if she caught the virus, she wouldn’t be able to cope and end up in hospital. I think she would probably press her panic button, and they would send an ambulance when they could, but would you go to her, the thought of having to go to hospital with her is very scary, I don’t even know if we would be allowed, which would be heartbreaking. Fingers crossed.

Whitewavemark2 Sat 28-Mar-20 20:47:15

betty the only way is to get in touch with the social services and set up a meeting with yourself and mum. They were so helpful in our mums last 18 months of life. She didn’t have dementia but other issues.

They will reside almost certainly in your county council.

Betty65 Sat 28-Mar-20 20:56:01

Thank you, we had carers for a while and social services were involved. That was when she refused all care, they believe she is capable of making her own decisions and that she is independent. Mu mum is good at bluffing

ValerieF Sun 29-Mar-20 16:48:51

Hi Betty. My deepest empathy with you. I think if your mum has been deemed as having full capacity then there is not a lot you can actually do. On the basis we ALL have the right to decide what we want. You cannot force people to do anything but you can choose what you do yourself.

I would make everyone and I mean everyone, Her GP, community nurses and social services aware of your concerns. Then explain to your mum that you have to step back and look after yourself and your own family in these exceptional times. Maybe once she realises you can't be her back up for the time being she will relent and let others take over?

I don't mean don't ensure she has food etc but sometimes you have to step back and be cruel to be kind. You can buy food and leave it on the doorstep but don't go in. It will may be the action she needs to realise she does need outside help?

Hard for you I know and I can only wish you the best