Feeling guilty

Thank you Emily. I have ordered a phone of the list, just waiting for it to be delivered. Thank you for reiterating my mums demands are unreasonable, it does make me feel better, I just have to keep believing it. She hasn’t any interest in the tv unfortunately, the only thing she enjoys is her family and friends, which at the moment is impossible. Hopefully the new phone will help.

You cannot meet your mum's damnds and they are unreasonable as you have other responsibilites in life. I suggest you decide how often you are going to visit at what time and which days. then when she rings up you will tell her the next time and day. She will complain, you will say what can we do until I visit and come up with a plan. You will also need to set up some simple pass times. ie. watching TV, if she can't manage the control tape it up so that it only needs 2 buttons and make her a list of the times of her favourite progammes etc. I would also work out her normal routine so that if she rings up you can prompt her for her next activity i.e. how nice to her from you, isnt it time to make tea before you watch.. etc.

Hope you can come up with a routine set of responses that allows you not to feel guilty.

This is about phones
www.actiononhearingloss.org.uk/live-well/our-community/our-blog/our-top-10-phones-for-hearing-loss/

We had an issue with my FIL who was in a care home and could not get to grips with a mobile phone no matter how we tried. We discovered a small machine which works with a ‘real’ phone. The machine takes a SIM card (pay as you go) and the telephone plugs into the machine (as you would normally plug it into the wall socket). Even through the Dementia he still knew how to pick up a telephone. We used a ‘big button ‘ phone so that he could see to call us and programmed in to the memory his sons numbers. It’s tough, especially in such worrying times. chin up.

We had exactly your situation with our DM but she was in sheltered accommodation. BP monitor from chemist, £15. If you fetch her pension take the money out of it or give her the monitor as a birthday gift. Unfortunately you will have to get used to being firm because she will increasingly need help to make decisions, although, yes, it's up to her if she decides to work with you. Can't stress enough though, through experience, her memory and worries will get rapidly worse if she can't communicate properly with people. As soon as you can, book her a hearing test as ear syringing may help or a hearing aid. You'll have to make it clear that it's necessary because everyone has to shout at her and no-one wants to do that - stress it isn't for her it's for everyone else! If you can be strong it really will benefit both of you long term. It's a long and frustrating road and you need to look after yourself as well - a carers' group for you or carers/volunteer visitors for DM perhaps - so get all the help you can as soon as possible. Very best of wishes.

Hi, it’s not sheltered housing my mistake it’s a housing association flat, there isn’t a warden all she has is a alarm pendant. Her heart condition, is a heart murmur, and a blocked artery, which results in erratic blood pressure and angina. The gp has been in touch today and is going to prescribed higher dose of one of her bp tablets, this will be the 6th time it’s been changed in the last year. I have ordered her a new phone still waiting for it to arrive, hopefully wont be too long I will look into Action for hearing . Thank you .

You say your DM lives in sheltered housing. What care provision is provided? Surely there has to be some kind of person responsible for checking on residents within the complex. What would happen if you weren't around eg isolating who would see to your DMs needs. If you are concerned about her health other than her feeling you should be at her beck and call why not phone the GP tell him about the concerns and see what he says. Do hope your DM settles. You shouldn't feel guilty as you have yourself to consider too.

This may sound odd but as this lockdown will continue for some time you could send her a card/letter.photos every day by normal snail mail. You can say so much more in writing that she can't hear on the phone and she would have something to look forward to each day and could re-read the cards over and over?

When people mention having a 'heart condition' exactly what does that mean? It must cover a multitude of things but are any of them serious?
Why not say what the condition is?

Many of us have 'been there and got the tee-shirt', so you are not alone!

I used to type and print out simple numbered instructions for any devices, i.e. 'Washing Machine':. 1. Open door, 2. Put in washing, 3. Close door, 4. Put powder in pull out drawer, 5. Turn knob to '3', 6. Wait until machine stops etc, etc

I laminated each instruction sheet so they were durable.

I did this for the television, telephone, washing machine, TV remote control and even, in the end, kettle. It is sad to witness the decline of a very intelligent being, is it not?

With regard to the telephone and doorbell, I was able to access items made for the hard of hearing, so, the doorbell would flash if rung and the telephone was especially loud.

I am afraid that this was all more than twenty years ago so I can't be positive but I think the local authority provided these things

Please also consider contacting 'Action on Hearing Loss' {I think) who have good ideas and practical information for those hard of hearing.

Finally, the BP machine... I agree with others that you will have to buy one and when you use it with her, encourage her to be able to manage on her own. You could make up a chart, so she can fill in her own readings. That may encourage her.

Others have suggested you write to your mother and that's a good suggestion. I would type and print it out then give it to her along with some newspaper cuttings regarding C-19 to explain the situation.

I hope things improve for you both.

My Mum moved my lovely gran in with us because she kept saying she hadn’t spoken to anyone all day. She was living with my Aunt, Uncle and my cousin. Not long after moving her in with us Mum overheard her telling someone she hadn’t seen anyone for weeks. It was a flat with reasonable sized living room, 1 double bedroom, 1 x 3/4 size and a small bedroom with my mum, dad, three brothers and me all living there. As my mum said “chance would be a fine thing!”

Sadly you have to steel yourself and perhaps just keep repeating “I am doing my best, Mum”. Really feel for you and those coping with similar problems. It’s stressful enough without added angst! ???

so difficult.My mum was having hearing problems but wouldn't do anything about having it checked, fortunately, she has regular nurse visits and before cv they said they wanted to syringe her ears, well she had 2 goes before lockdown, still due one but it is already so much better. on the phone the other day she could hear all the quiet extraneous noises. Now a difficult time to have someone check but if it becomes at all possible, might a nurse or someone suggest it,if she's like my mum if a doc or nurse suggests it she'll have it done.
You can't visit, but looks like she have the answer she needs

Just looked on Amazon and they have a selection of ‘elderly friendly’ phones

I know you said she has a phone but, has hearing problems. There are useful phones around for people with hearing and/or sight problems. They have large buttons and the volume can be controlled. My father had one which he found invaluable although, I have to say, he had no memory problems. We programmed in useful telephone numbers which are accessed by extra buttons and can be clearly labelled with names.

Something like this might help a bit, as you say, she misses a lot of the conversation because of her hearing problems.

I think the letter explaining the current situation is a brilliant idea. Could you do this and pin it somewhere to remind her?

Do try and take some time for yourself, although I know it is difficult, because this stress must be having an effect on your own health.

Good luck. There is some useful advice on here.

Well done you!

My mum is very self sufficient and in her own home but 390 miles away! She is usually kind and generous but can get very cranky at times and also has a problem with her phone which cuts me off when I ring so I’m using my mobile to ring her mobile.

You might be able to borrow a monitor you can check on your local Facebook page?

It seems pretty important to impress on her that she should not ask neighbors to come in to her unless it’s a real emergency. Could the man she called in talk to her and explain?

Wishing you luck !

Katyj
Do you realize you cannot make your mother do anything she doesnt want to do?

Thank you again. I’m beginning to realise, talking to you lovely ladies,is that the tides have turned,I’ve got to be the strong one now, Mum has always been the strong matriarch of the family, now it’s my turn. I have to do what I can, enough to keep her safe and well, as well as look after myself and family, I’m going to try and grow a very thick skin, I’m going to need it.

I think I would advise the surgery of the latest BP readings. If she is already on medication for that it could then be increased and then monitored again. It is such a worry for you Katyg but rest assured that you are doing your best and do not feel guilty, take heart that you are a good daughter.

I think that I would be inclined to buy a monitor and say she can borrow it! But then you would have the problem of actually taking the measurements throughout the day.
Mainly I think that you need to speak to her doctor and explain the situation. I'm sure that in certain circumstances like this, you would be allowed to take her to the surgery to be seen face to face.
Don't feel guilty - you are doing your very best and your mum does not understand the situation and what is happening in the outside world. Maybe have a word with the warden where she lives (there must be, if it's classed as sheltered accom.) . I also wonder if either the Alzheimers society or Age Concern would come up with ideas about the communication problem ?

Age UK can be very helpful. Also telephone advice for carers and a listening ear.

Just reading through this thread, and having elderly relatives bemused by modern technology myself, it just occurred to me that some might be helped with a vintage replica phone rather than modern cordless / mobiles? They are online for around £35 and upwards, and fully compliant with current phone sockets. People with short term memory loss may find that their long term memory might manage the rotary dialling better? Just a thought.

Don't feel guilty you have to think about yourself as well I used to live in sheltered housing and all the help your mum might need will be there for her she is probably feeling a bit lonely because everything has had to change remember your mum has more help on hand then you do

don`t really know what to say here, not just the elderly going through this,, not just the elderly with memory problems,,
oh dear,, I suppose I am "elderly" and my family don`t visit me..
I live alone, well not true, I have my cat,, and worry about dying and my cat not having food,, I am sure it would take my family, best part of a day, to realise that I hadn`t communicated with them... even then...

so I think Katyg, I think what I am saying is.. please do NOT feel guilty, you are one amazing person, so you happen to be a daughter,, and yes, most daughters, appear to do more than most, sons....

Katyg you are doing what is right, you have to isolate yourself from your mum, you are protecting her,,,

I am surprised the surgery not making other arrangements if patients can`t video/phone,, seems hit and miss, like most everything else in this country

you are a good daughter Katyg.

Katyj - what a difficult situation. Realistically, your mum is not going to change her mind - she can't, because she is no longer able to understand and take into account the full range of facts and consequences. You can though! One way to gauge what to do is to think "What is reasonable under these circumstances?" Then do whatever that is AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY! Here's the difficult bit: you are an adult and you don't need her validation for your action - you have to validate your own behaviour. It's hard, but you can do it! Good luck and stay strong!

Thank you so much for putting thing’s in perspective, sometimes I can’t see the wood for the trees. I had a phone call at 10 pm last night,from one of mums neighbours,he’d had a call from her to say she was worried about her bp and did he have a monitor ! He went over and took 3 readings which were all high averaging 185/95 he was then worried and called me, he is shielding his wife at the moment who has asthma so shouldn’t have been there at all.Of course I thanked him, said I would be there today. I am so cross with mum, she really doesn’t understand at all or doesn’t care, not sure which. The sheltered housing doesn’t have a warden, only an alarm system, she does have very good neighbours that check on her, but obviously mostly keeping their distance at the moment.Every time I visit which is 3 or 4 times a week I’m told it’s not enough and I should be there every day . I do need to take a step back, it’s causing me a lot of stress,and after all there is only me, I have a husband , young grandchildren and work part time. I need time out too. Thanks again.

I'd write her a letter to explain why you are visiting less often. Say that it's to keep her safe and well - because you love her and want to look after her.

Ignore her protests as it's understandable that she has trouble adapting to change. Don't take it to heart. Contact the sheltered housing warden and ask that she's regularly checked on.