Dementia that is only seen by me

It's really hard for you, hope all the good luck will be with you, amen <a href="https://fastcare.vn/thu-thuat-khac-phuc-iphone-xs-bi-nong-may/">?</a></p>

Yes I had this with my brother and it wasn't until he was wandering around outside in his underpants that it was taken seriously.
Please ask about a care home or arrange respite care. Talk to your GP. Do not feel guilty.

Sometimes it seems we are the only ones who see our parents daily behaviour. We were told a deterioration in memory is usual in late 70s and not too worry as it was normal .... I'm screamed at daily and mum even tried to open the door of a moving car. Keep doing what you have to do and please take care of yourself x

I have 2 siblings.The one who has had the least to do with mum practically day to day up until recently has been able to do no wrong. As mum gets more confused and awkward about ageing generally and accepting help -she is in her late 90s! -me and the sibling who have seen her the most bear the brunt of her frustration and she resents any interventions as interference. Our patience wears thin, especially when we are told we are bossy simply because we are concerned for her safety .Our other sibling has rarely has the awkwardness because they have gone less often and have taken on face value that she's coping.Thankfully they are beginning to see the reality.I too am beginning to wonder if mum has rather enjoyed having us running around sorting everything so she has been able to stay in her own home,whilst telling anyone who will listen how well she manages on her own for her age .I don't mind admitting I currently resent her and feel my relationship with her has been damaged. I'm sure once she is no longer here those feelings will lawn.It's not easy is it ?

Alexa

Izabella, to be fair I think GreenGran78 was referring to active medically assisted dying, or euthanasia when animals get it.

I understand the religious and some other Conservative interests in the House of Lords is what stops assisted dying bills from being passed.

Yes Alexa you are quite right. I have early Alzheimers so get a little muddled at times. apologies.

MarieEliza, most doctors agree with dignity in dying with medical asssistance if the dying process is too painful or undignified. Perhaps your relatives have religious scruples.

The only reasonable excuse not to support doctor- assisted dying is that doctors already do it for patients.

Our Health and Welfare powers of attorney state very clearly a) that we do not want our daughters to care for us - please find us a nice care home (they do exist) and

b) if we should develop dementia, or any other condition where we are unable both to care for ourselves, and speak (with full mental capacity) for ourselves, then we emphatically do not want any life-prolonging or life-saving treatment, whether medical or surgical (exception for fractures such as a broken hip).
In other words, please don’t try to keep us going when Nature might be trying to let us go.

I don’t agree with assisted dying. Daughter and son in law both doctors and can see the dangers of it. Also after hearing stories from Switzerland about euthanasia sometimes on young depressed people it is frightening

Izabella, to be fair I think GreenGran78 was referring to active medically assisted dying, or euthanasia when animals get it.

I understand the religious and some other Conservative interests in the House of Lords is what stops assisted dying bills from being passed.

Mealybug, get help. I know it seems easier to just carry on than to make changes but I think you have to do it.

When I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin, he said that I had to choose between him and my mother. Harsh words but we had done our best. We found a residential home that would take her despite her dementia and sold her house to pay the fees.

quite right Alexa and this is written into my advance directive.

You don't have to be on life support for your living will to protest you. The living will is a legal document and no doctor is allowed to treat you as long as you are of sound mind.

If you become demented and you are terminally ill with some other condition the doctor would not be permitted to interfere with your dying process and you will have stipulated ordinary palliative care.

alexa I think you’ll find that the living Will is in case you end up on life support with no chance of actually getting better,
I think Greengran meant when you are diagnosed with Dementia and before you have to go into a home and don’t recognise anyone.

GreenGran78:

"If only we could sign a paper asking to be ‘put to sleep’ if we develop this awful condition."

But we can and many do . It's called a living will, or 'advance directive'.

@jennyluck, one thing that’s often recommended is writing to the GP beforehand, with a clear account of what’s going on, and explaining that your dh is no longer able to give a true picture. Unfortunately there are quite a few GPs who are still pretty clueless about dementia, or at least about what it actually means in day-to-day practice.

Another thing that’s often recommended at appointments with GPs or social workers, is to arrange to sit slightly behind the person with dementia, so that when (e.g.) they say that yes, they are still managing to cook/clean/shower just fine, thanks, you can make a clear but silent sign that this is not the case.

Your situation is very similar to mine. After year of being put down, I realised my mother is narcissistic. She would pretend not to remember things, playing one family member of against the other. Told everyone she didn’t want to go into a care home. Everyone thought she was loverly.
To protect my self I had to back off completely and apart from the occasional phone call, didn’t have any contact with her. Yes she has got some dementia but was good at hiding when it suited.
Other people have begun to realise what she is really like, we have had to make her see that if she isn’t capable of looking after herself she will need to either get careers in or go into a care home.
In the past following a couple of falls I have gone and looked after her. She had a fall a few weeks ago and I said I couldn’t do it, so she is now in care home temporarily.
To get a diagnosis of dementia is hard and first place for referral would be memory clinic. However it sounds to me that she may be playing games. I feel for you, look after yourself.

If only we could sign a paper asking to be ‘put to sleep’ if we develop this awful condition. I think it is the one thing that most older people dread.
We won’t let our pets suffer, but reading in these messages what hell on Earth is caused by these horrible illnesses makes me so sad for all those involved.
I have very mixed feelings about euthanasia, but I know that I would rather die quickly than be a burden to myself and others.

My dearest friend has just been diagnosed with mixed dementia, apparently a mix of vascular dementia and Alzheimer's.It's so hard to see her in lockdown,her husband has just been diagnosed with M.S. as well.It's so hard to hear her ask her husband if he knows her children and does he know her friends(that's me and other half).It came so quickly and the lockdown hasn't helped because she thinks she's livingin someone else's house.The problem is we can't help them at the moment because she can't make head or tale of social distancing.My love and deepest sympathies with all of you out there dealing with this horrendous disease.

It’s amazing that even with dementia people are still able to choose who to hurt and who to please. I’ve been there too, Betty, and I know it’s so hard.

Oh I remember all that's being written so well. I loved my mum more than anyone in the world and wanted to look out for her and help in any way. At the end she became unrecognisable from the wise gentle loving mum I knew. My sister did nothing to help apart from a visit twice a year and the odd phone call. By the end I was exhausted and deeply hurt by the things she said and did. The end came with sepsis I was heartbroken to lose her and all my sister was interested in was the insurance money she wanted to claim. I still miss her daily.

Had the same with my mother, charming and well respected to all outside but suspicious and nasty towards me. It all got progressively worse, she accused me of stealing from her, cutting up her clothes, damaging her furniture. We ended up with social services and police involved eventually when she started to pretend to be frightened of me in front of others and in the end accused me of beating her. Our local doctors diagnosed her as a psychopath when she started accusing them of being in cahoots with me. This was many years ago before dementia started to hit the headlines. Eventually she was diagnosed with alzheimers and we found a good care home for her.
By this time I admit I had begun to hate her for the hell she made my life over four years. Later of course we realised it wasn't her but a bit late to make peace after she didn't know who we were.
She lived in the care home for a further 20 years before dying at the age of 89. So a long haul for you if you don't act now, please contact the relevant services for help before your life and your relationship is harmed.
Good luck to you x

I’ve told my dds the same, hollysteers. I never want them to have to look after me, dementia or not.
Dh and I have both put words to that effect in our Health and Welfare Powers of Attorney, so that whatever we might say later, they’ll have in black and white what we wanted when we had all marbles intact.

I agree 100% with the ‘love lies’ advice. It took me a while to learn that you say whatever will keep the person happy, or at least reasonably contented.
My mother went through a long phase of angrily insisting that her sister had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house, and said awful things about my poor aunt.
Once it dawned on me that even a signed and sealed statement from the Lord Chancellor wasn’t going to convince her, I started saying e.g. ‘Dear me, that’s terrible - I had no idea. I’ll get on to a solicitor first thing tomorrow.’
Rinse and repeat, over and over. Always pacified her for the moment.

How sad for both the sufferer and the carer. My husband had dementia and other illnesses and I have to say I was not impressed by the Memory clinic or the lack of care. I had a caravan an hours drive away in the country and my daughter would come over for a few nights’ break. Family should help, it’s too much alone.
I also used to have a day coach trip regularly and left a meal, returning early evening. What a blessing! The carer must have respite. Even an afternoon browsing round charity shops.
I have told my children to dump me anywhere, I would hate to put them through that.

Betty65 I see that I am not alone in recognising everything you describe. Try to get an assessment, but don't be surprised if she fools them. That happened in the case I know where she was totally rational and on the ball until right at the end of the session (when they obviously thought she was just fine and we were all lying) she leant forward and whispered not to let the family living in the attic hear them.
The last time I visited her she pointed out someone riding past on a bicycle and claimed it was hers and the girl rider had stolen it (all her clothes were always being stolen, according to her, plus her knives and forks). I made a joke out of it and replied that, as her bike riding days were well in the past, it was nice to think that someone was getting good use out of it ... and it calmed her down so I could get her off the subject. She'd never had a bike or ridden one in her life, btw.
I found the best way was to let it all wash over me and try to get her talking and reminiscing about the past. That seemed to make her happy.
I do wish you well and hope that you can eventually get some help ... maybe relaying the things she does/says to her GP and then quoting what others have told you here about the "hostess" syndrome might finally get you the support you need.

PS you play reassurance like broken record.